Page 169 of The Monster and the Masochist

I showed her with my body and my lips and my tongue.

I showed her that if there was anything that could possibly make me want to cling to the pathetic excuse I had for a life, it was her.

It would always be her.

And even if she never felt the same way, I would always cherish every second she allowed me to spend wrapped up in her arms.

Because she was the only person I’d ever met that made life feel worth living, and for the first time I felt like maybe…

Maybe it would be okay to stay.

Iwas in love with Theodora Fairview.

There was no point in denying it anymore.

I fucking loved her.

So much so, I’d literally almost told her during the kinkiest sexcapades I’d ever had the privilege of participating in.

She knew I’d been about to say it too, and the look on her face when I’d pivoted at the last second had nearly shattered my damn heart…. But…

I’d only ever told one person I’d loved them before… and that person, unfortunately, had been my mother. I’d been four. And instead of telling me she loved me back, she told me I was a stain on the world and locked me in a literal cage in the basement for the first time.

After that pleasant experience, I’d sworn I’d never love anyone again.

But… I’d been wrong.

I’d realized it abruptly as Theo had crawled over me and looked at me with so much trust in those big, sorrowful eyes of hers. At that moment, I knew I would happily spend the rest of my life doing everything in my power to deserve that trust… I would give up anything to make sure this woman was never abused again.

Even my own happiness.

And you just didn’t do shit like that for people if you didn’t love them.

So yes.

I loved Theo.

I was in love with Theo.

But I sure as shit wasn’t going to say I love you to someone for the first time in my adult life when I was two seconds away from getting railed with a strap-on.

No.

Theo deserved… I don’t know what she deserved, but she deserved better than that.

She deserved flowers or… a great romantic gesture or… I don’t know.

Theo deserved the whole fucking world, and I was going to be the one to give it to her.

But I needed to do it right.

‘Maybe I’ll tell her at a nice dinner or something?’ I mused to my monster as I packed up my laptop for the day. I was leaving early for a Monday, but I couldn’t find one single fuck to give. Not when I had the most perfect, adorable, sweet, amazing woman waiting for me at home.

‘Surely you can do better than that. That’s almost as pathetic as Nolan’s cliche bouquet of roses.’

‘How is taking her to dinner pathetic?!’

‘You’re a vegan. Are you going to admit your undying love over a chickpea soup to a woman who still sneaks cheeseburgers in the shadowy corners of the underworld? Sounds like a wonderful night for our sweet street fighter.’