Page 212 of The Monster and the Masochist

Softening, I gave Cal a small smile and nodded.

“That’s fair. I understand. It won’t happen again.”

Cal stared at me for another long moment, then it was like someone flipped a switch, and he was grinning again.

“Cool. Glad we have that sorted.” He smirked.

Suddenly, he was in front of me and had me in a chokehold.

“What the fuck–”

He noogied the shit out of my head, and I flailed in his arms, surprised at the sudden burst of affection.

“How you feeling now, you little fucking psycho? Get it out of your system? The whole house heard you screaming Cass’s name while she made you come, you know that, right?”

“Get off me!” I complained, squirming out of his chokehold.

“Cass, Cass! Don’t stop! Please, Cass, let me come!” he mocked, letting me go. He laughed openly at my flushed cheeks.

“Nothing like some loud ass orgasms to keep all the crazy at bay.” He winked at me, and I scowled at him, though my lips were twitching.

“You’re welcome, by the way.” He grinned.

“For what?”

“For hooking you up with my sister. Say: Thank you, Callum.”

I snorted, rolling my eyes. “Thank you, Callum. You fucking nutcase.”

“Takes one to know one, apparently,” he snarked, shooting me an amused wink.

“Yeah, well… It’s complicated,” I grumbled, and he cocked his head to the side, frowning.

“What is?”

“Everything. I… uhm. I clearly have some fucking issues, man. Last night was a perfect example. I’m… confused. I’ve been trying to kind of… self-destruct my whole life, and I’m tired of it… I don’t… I don’t know if it’s a good idea for me to even fight anymore,” I admitted. “At least not until I work through some of this shit and get myself back on track.”

Remembering how I’d argued with Jerry when he’d told me I was suicidal… I now felt like maybe he’d been right. I knew if I pushed Cal hard enough, he would eventually snap, and he might actually kill me. Cal had worse triggers than I did. The fact that I’d been trying to use his own issues with mental health against him to get him to end my life was… so many levels of fucked up.

If I thought I’d hit rock bottom before… I’d been wrong. This was rock bottom.

My whole life suddenly felt like one giant lie. Did I even actually like fighting? Or did I just do it because I needed the pain?

Did I only do it because I was hoping that if I did it long enough… it would eventually kill me?

I shuddered and shook my head, unsure what I was supposed to do with all these dark thoughts.

Maybe I had been suicidal before… but I didn’t think I was anymore. Not now that I had something to live for. Cass made me feel like maybe, if I worked hard on myself, I could eventually heal from what had happened to me. She’d healed from what her mother had done to her…

For the first time, a future didn’t just feel possible… It felt like something I might actually want. But… that meant the ring I’d spent so much of my life fighting in might not make sense for me anymore, and I didn’t really know what to do without it.

Cal was watching me, looking thoughtful.

“You know, before I met Ryan, I thought violence was the only thing I was good for. Your brother helped show me that there’s more to life than blood and pain,” he said, his tone soft. “I still need to hurt people sometimes, but Ryan is the person I go to now when I need to let my demon out. He… He helps me keep the bad thoughts under control. Maybe… Maybe Cass can be that person for you? Maybe you don’t need that ring anymore. Maybe you just need someone you can count on to fight alongside you when the monsters come knocking.”

My flesh rolled with chills, and I unconsciously rubbed my thumb over the silver Q-Tip that was now a permanent fixture around my neck.

I swallowed.