Page 64 of Last Christmas in London

Simon’s gaze flicked up to mine, sharp with recognition.

‘People always talk about grief like it’s this big dramatic thing,’ I said. ‘But mostly, it’s the little things that catch you off guard, isn’t it? A smell, a song, a stupid movie you watched together once.’

‘Yeah,’ he murmured.

For a second, we just sat there, both of us orbiting the same kind of loss.

It felt strange to have someone understand such a large part of me, without even the need to truly explain it. It lifted a weight off my shoulders I hadn’t even realised I was carrying. I wasn’t used to that ease. It shifted something in me, the way I saw him, the way the space between us felt less like distance and more like a tether.

After a moment, I allowed myself to smile. ‘It was Denise, Megan’s mum, who was the one that took me ice skating the first time,’ I continued, chasing away the heaviness. ‘With Megan, of course. Megan was convinced she’d be a figure-skating prodigy, and I was more interested in being a hockey player.’

‘Violent, you mean?’ Simon teased.

I shook my head passionately. ‘I was obsessed with The Mighty Ducks, actually. But one disastrous attempt at skating with a stick led to some bruised knees and a very bruised ego, so I let the dream go pretty quickly.’

Simon laughed and, as he leaned back in his chair, his shirt rode up slightly. My gaze dropped, catching a glimpse of a trail of hair under his belly button – and the faint outline of an ab. A real, defined ab.

A shiver ran up my spine, and for the first time in a long time, I felt… well, something stirring. Like a tornado in my midriff.

‘So was personal assistant the next grand ambition or were there others in between?’

I rubbed the back of my neck and lifted my gaze to his face, trying to remember how to form words. ‘I had plenty of dreams,’ I admitted. ‘Vet, Oscar-winning actress. I wanted to own a launderette at one point. There was even a phase where I was convinced I’d be a time traveller.’

‘Did Doctor Who inspire that dream?’

‘Nope. Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure.’

That got a proper laugh out of him. ‘Clearly TV and film were a pivotal part of your childhood.’

‘Oh, massively.’

‘And now you’re off to be a producer,’ he pointed out, a flicker of emotion – disappointment? – lurking beneath his words. ‘Success incoming.’

I swallowed. Could he hear the same hesitation in my voice that I heard in his?

‘They’ve sent me some work to do, actually.’

‘The new job?’ he confirmed, and I nodded. ‘Over Christmas?’

I nodded again. ‘I haven’t opened the email – emails – yet. I’ve got too much on with Pim and her show. Plus Megan and Josh, and all that.’

Simon tilted his head slightly. ‘What’s going on with them?’

While I’d been refusing to talk about what had happened with everyone, from Pim to Denise, for some reason with Simon I felt I could share anything, and it would be safe to do so. In this moment, sitting in this Christmas-themed café bedecked with garlands of holly and tinsel, with aromas of cinnamon, orange, and hot chocolate, and as countless lights softened our expressions, I thought I could hand him my soul and he would take care of it.

So, I told him everything.

From Megan and Alex’s split, Josh’s situation with a married man, Pim’s show, her new assistant, and the weight of my guilt over leaving her. And the strangest part? The job I’d spent years dreaming about, the one that should have felt like a golden ticket, which just… didn’t.

‘It’s one of the best studios I’ve ever worked at, and I’m ridiculously underqualified for the role, but they offered it to me anyway. I should be thrilled, right? I just can’t seem to focus enough on it to care about it.’

Simon considered me for a moment. ‘Fear perhaps?’

His hot chocolate was now completely gone, while mine was practically untouched, the cream had folded into the delicious molten chocolate while I had been explaining everything.

‘It’s not easy changing jobs, especially after a long period of time in another. And eight years in the same job without a promotion or pay rise is a long time.’

I laughed bitterly, thinking about the scripts in my inbox and the dread. ‘I never thought I was a procrastinator before. Or that I was afraid of change.’