Page 22 of Chalk It Up

“Oh goodness, August, I’m so glad you answered! I need your help!” She’s panicking and I don’t have a clue what it could be about but my instincts have me slamming my mug down and running to my keys already. “It’s Evie.” My stomach bottoms out and my vision narrows. Evie is on her date with Emmett and I swear if he did anything to hurt her, I will find any reason to fire him.

“Thea, where is she? What’s wrong?” I try to tamper down my own nerves while I rush around grabbing a coat and my shoes.

“She’s at Exposure with Emmett. She called me. She’s having a panic attack and needs someone,” Thea explains but I shake my head even more confused by the lot of details she gave me.

“Evangeline has panic attacks? Regularly? Why would she be having a panic attack at a gallery? Did Emmett hurt her?” I shoot off the questions faster than Thea can answer them. My dogs are fine in the house alone, so I lock up and bolt for my SUV while waiting for Thea to explain all of these seemingly unrelated details.

“None of this is really my place to share but yes, she does get frequent panic and anxiety attacks. If you want to know why, that’s Evie’s story to tell you if she chooses to do so.” I’m realizing there is a lot to Evangeline I don’t know.

“I don’t mind going to her, but I know I’m definitely not her first choice in back-up and I don’t want to make things worse.” I explain even though I’m already well on my way to Exposure. “Why aren’t you going to help her?”

“I’m pup-sitting Maple for her and she got into a bunch of cheesesticks and let’s just say, it’s not looking too pretty over here, and I don’t think I could bring this mess into my car.” Scrubbing that mental image out of my mind I slam the accelerator harder in a desperate attempt to save Evangeline seconds of being in this attack alone, while also praying our local police are occupied with other business and don’t feel like pulling me over tonight.

“Got it. I’m almost to Exposure.” I hit end because the last thing I need is a speeding and cell phone ticket on my record. Thankfully there’s street parking right in front of Exposure and I parallel park right behind Emmett’s car. Running inside, I hear a fuss in one of the back galleries and assume that must be where Evangeline is. I see a mass of people huddled around someone on the ground and I shove my way through all of them knowing I’m going to find Evangeline in the center.

Emmett has her cradled to his chest and then mine constricts for so many reasons. I hate seeing him hold her, but I’m thankful someone I know and trust is here. I genuinely hate her being on a date with someone who isn’t me, but again, Emmett is an obvious choice. Mostly, I hate seeing her barely coming to and having to assume she must have blacked out. I put my first two feelings aside because this absolutely isn’t about me, and crouch down to get closer to her.

“Evie, baby.” I whisper. She is so delicate right now. Not weak, but hurting. I don’t know what causes her to have panic attacks but if it has anything to do with why she’s so flinchy, I want to hunt down whoever hurt her, and make him regret even knowing her name.

I move Emmett out of the way to hold Evangeline to my chest and his face is nothing but confused. I’m sure he’s wondering why I’m here and how I knew. Ultimately he’s probably wondering why I care, but he can learn all of that later. My focus is entirely on Evangeline. It’s always entirely on Evangeline.

I brush some stray hair off her sweaty forehead, and steady my breathing. I don’t personally have experience in this area, but Adeline gets anxious about her dyslexia so I have some grounding techniques on hand. I make sure my breathing is steady, deep, even, and strong enough for Evangeline to find comfort in.

“Evie, baby, can you hear me?” I cradle her so gently and spin small circles on the back of her hand. Something in an attempt for her to feel some modicum of connection and consistency to ground her. When she looks up at me, I feel more helpless than she is. I can’t help her breathe because I’m certain I no longer am. Her eyes are the most ethereal blue with hints of gold. They look like the sunrise over the lake and I’m convinced she’s the most beautiful thing in all of creation.

I don’t know how we got here so quickly, but it feels natural. Holding her feels like an extension of myself, and I’m confident that once we break apart I’ll be irrevocably severed. I hate what brought us to this point, but I wish we could stay in this bubble.

“August?” My name coming from her lips, even in confusion, is the most beautiful sound I’ve ever heard. I want to hear it repeatedly for the rest of my life. Evangeline moves to straighten herself a little while staring at me like she can’t quite understand why I’m here. “August, what are you doing here? How did you know where I was? Where’s Thea?” The rest of the crowd has slowly dispersed leaving me, Evangeline, and Emmett. While I appreciate that Emmett was here, even though his date is what caused this, I would really love for him to get lost.

“Thea called me and said you needed help.” She’s sitting up on her own now, but my hands are still on her biceps. I can’t lose this connection, not yet anyway. I know once it breaks, there’s a very slim chance I’ll ever be able to touch her, and comfort her, ever again. She blinks and shakes her head back and forth effectively coming to.

“Why? What? I’m so confused.” That’s understandable when you’re expecting your best friend to be here to help you, but you get your student’s ornery father instead. And truthfully, I’m confused too and have just as many questions, none of which I’m going to have answered in the middle of the gallery that started the problem to begin with. I help Evangeline up off the ground, leaving one hand on her arm under the guise of keeping her steady. I want to help, but I’m absolutely a little selfish, too.

“Let’s get you in my car and I can explain it all on the way to your house.” Looking back and forth between me and Emmett, she seems as though she’s internally debating what to do. More than anything I want Evangeline comfortable. If that means she would rather get a ride home with Emmett, then I’ll respect that. I’ll hate it and probably follow them to make sure she gets inside safely, but I’ll still respect her wishes. Emmett’s known me for years, so he’s attempting to piece together my actions because they’re nothing he’s seen before. Not even with Larissa. He must realize how important this situation is to me because he jumps in to save us from making a decision.

“August drove all the way out here, I think it might be best if he takes you home. But you have my number, Evie, please let me know if you need anything.” I can tell Emmett feels badly for what happened. “I’m so sorry. I had no idea anything like this would happen. I would’ve made sure I knew how to help, and been more prepared.” He’s moving in for a hug so I reluctantly drop my hand off Evangeline’s arm and give space for them to say their goodbyes.

“Thank you, Emmett. I’m so sorry about all of this. I really had a great time with you.” She’s polite, but it doesn’t escape my notice that she didn’t mention anything about trying again on another date. I leave that scrap of hope inside the gallery as we make our way to my car.

chapter 16

Evie

Evie, baby. There’s no way I heard August right. He absolutely, undeniably did not call me “baby.” Not once has he ever called me that. He’s called me princess, but that was just playful, sarcastic even. This was careful and reverent. Entirely different. But even in my anxious haze and in the firm comfort of his arms, I know my stomach did a violent swoop. Because try as I might, I can’t deny that I love the sound of that nickname floating from August’s gruff, concerned voice.

But at this moment, every tense part of my body has relaxed while my forehead finds cooling solace on the passenger window of August’s SUV. There are a plethora of things I should be feeling right now. I’m grateful, and also confused, that the most profound of my feelings is peace.

I’m certain once I get back into my cottage I’ll be plagued with anger, embarrassment, and bone-deep regret. I’m so angry with myself over my complete lack of self-control. I can’t even go into a gallery without being stampeded by my own anxieties and emotions. I’m angry at Dustin for giving me this trauma to begin with.

Easily one of the worst things about abusers is how unaffected they are. I live the rest of my life anxious and a burden to those around me, while he wakes up unbothered and unscathed every day. It’s the worst injustice. Falling in love with a narcissist is scarier than any masked man in your darkest horror film. You know the man in the movie is a monster, but in real life, that plot twist doesn’t come to light until they’ve got you in so deep.

I’m so embarrassed and the rational part of me knows I don’t have to be. But Emmett was a perfect gentleman and out of nowhere his date went boneless on him. If he’s half as decent as he seems, he’s probably blaming himself for bringing me there and that heats me up inside. He doesn’t deserve that. He didn’t deserve to have to physically and metaphorically carry me.

And all the people around us who saw. They will probably never forget the dramatic girl in the gallery. The incontinence of my emotions is debilitating and how painfully unfair it is that it’s not even my fault.

My resolution slats into place when I realize no one should have to deal with someone as unpredictable and shattered as me. They tell you to find someone to carry your baggage with you, but this isn’t baggage, this is irreparable brokenness and no one deserves less than a whole, happy person. And I am happy, don’t get me wrong. But I’m anything but whole.

The ribbon on the whole package of my misfortune is August seeing it all. I wouldn’t put it past him to pull his daughter from my class or terminate our tutoring sessions because he can’t trust me to have control over myself. It doesn’t matter that I’ve never once had an issue in my classroom. My class is where I’m free to be creative and have some sense of control. But it only takes one moment to break that trust, and I’m confident tonight is that moment for August. I can’t say that I blame him, I’m certain if I had my own daughter I would feel just the same.