Page 39 of Chalk It Up

“Yeah, I’m right handed.” I’m viscerally aware that August is still pressed in behind me.

“Great, so move the axe to your right hand, set it close to the bottom leaving about an inch of space.” I do as instructed and the axe feels pretty weighty in just one hand. “Now move the axe to your center.” Except he has his hand on top of mine and guides it for me and I shift, not in discomfort but something wholly else. He moves his hand from on top of mine and sets my left hand together with his directly on above of my right effectively caging me in. His cologne has an effect on me that I didn’t realize was possible. It smells woodsy and deep like amber mixed with pine and I want to sleep in that smell.

“Alright, now you’re going to want to pull back and directly over the top of your head to get a proper rotation on the axe. Once you feel comfortable, toss it as hard as you can.” He’s got both of his hands on top of both of my hands over my head and the sensations are overwhelmingly magnetic. Too soon, he steps back and to the side to give me space to throw without accidentally removing his head. I immediately miss his warm body pressed into mine. I adjust my stance a little until it feels like I have a lot of power in my legs, pull back more on the axe, thrust my arms forward, and let the axe fly. I watch in the split second it takes to fly down the alley and hit the bullseye.

I can’t believe I just did it. I jump up and down in celebration turning to August who’s beaming at me and throw myself onto him. He catches me effortlessly with my legs around his waist and my arms in death grip around his neck.

“Great job, Evie! That was incredible. That’s my girl!” His praise stitches up every torn fabric I’m made of until I can’t see a single seam of hurt anymore.

August

Spinning around and laughing with Evie is probably the most carefree I’ve felt since before I met Larissa. Everything with Larissa happened so quickly and Adeline was unplanned. I feel like between my parents death and Adeline’s birth, adulthood fell on me like an anvil right on my head. And it’s not that I don’t have carefree, enjoyable moments with Addie but those always carry an undertone of responsibility. Is she safe? Will she be okay? Can she do it? Does she need me? Will this impact her negatively? I don’t have that parental obligation with Evie and for a moment I bask in the freedom of it all. Until I’m knocked sideways with guilt during any moment of happiness outside of my daughter. I know it’s good and healthy and necessary for me to take care of myself so Addie can have her dad be in his best form for her, but the guilt of doing something for myself never subsides. Even if a by-product of doing something for myself ends up benefitting Adeline.

We have almost no sunshine in these mountains during this time of the year, but I’m certain that Evie carries enough joy to illuminate the entire range with her laugh alone after hitting that bullseye. And “my girl.” The endearment rolled off my tongue too naturally for me to stop it. But Evie is my girl. I’d put myself between any monster she faces if it means she only knows joy. I know that’s unrealistic and hard times will come, but I’ll take the blow of all of the hard times for her. I slow down enough to set her back on her feet without her toppling over.

“Do you want to go again?” She’s beaming up at me and I never want to leave this moment. Evie is unbelievably entrancing.

“I really do! Just one more time.” She runs enthusiastically to grab another axe.

“Baby, take all the turns you want. I’ll happily just watch you.” And I do for the next few turns until she decides that her arms need a break. I’ve been axe throwing plenty of times. It feels like a safe release of tension and it’s a nice activity to do by myself. So I naturally step into a comfortable position and launch the axe with one arm, fixing it directly into the bullseye.

I notice I also hit my secondary target when I turn around to see that I’ve impressed Evie. I’m not usually one to showboat, I don’t generally care if someone is impressed by me or not. I have enough confidence in myself and disinterest in other’s opinions that I don’t typically need external affirmations, but I find myself desperate to impress this woman.

“August that was incredible.” She throws her arms around my neck and I wrap mine around her waist and all the commotion and chatter in the establishment evaporates to a dull hum while I fixate on the sound of Evie’s heart.

The only thing that distracts me from Evie is this nagging feeling at the back of my neck like someone is watching us or we’re doing something we’re not supposed to. Which is a valid feeling since we still haven’t told anyone about us outside of Thea.

Evie pulls away enough to grab my face in her tiny hands and smack a kiss to my cheek. We continue back and forth taking actual turns until it’s almost time for us to head to our reservation. I throw a generous tip on the table since they never left our drinks empty, and let us stay in our alley a little longer than our reserved time slot.

“Have you always wanted to be a teacher?” I ask Evie while we hold hands walking out of the first stop on our date. It feels indescribable to be able to hold her hand and just be with her in public. It feels like Pine Lake is a continent away rather than just a few miles. We probably should’ve gone further out of town, but I come here often and never see anyone from town.

“Yes and no.” She teeters her head side to side almost in indecision. Like she’s having to decide what career path she wants to take all over again. “When I was a kid I always loved to travel and when I got older I absolutely loved driving. Just the freedom that came with being on the road and being alone in a car. It was liberating. Because of that feeling, I used to want to be a truck driver.” That genuinely shocks me. I can’t see Evie driving a huge semi, but I also know that if she wants something for herself badly enough, she’s going to make it happen.

“I also never wanted a family, so it’s not like there was anything that would hold me back for driving months at a time.” This actually stops me dead in my tracks before I can think better of it. She’s never wanted a family. And here I am, pulling her into my circle where she’d immediately become a mother, and not even to her own child but someone else’s. I can’t believe I never even thought to ask if that’s something she would want.

“What’s wrong?” Evie is clearly taken aback by my sudden stop.

“I guess that’s something we should’ve talked about.” I turn her to face me, both hands cradled in mine. “We covered so much of our pasts that I didn’t stop to think about what kind of future you pictured for yourself. I don’t want to guilt you into a life you never wanted to begin with, and as much as it guts me, Adeline is wholly non-negotiable. If she’s not someone you want in your future as equally as you want me, then this isn’t something we can continue.”

Evie stares at me for what is probably the longest seconds of my entire life. Her eyes bouncing back and forth between mine, unable to settle.

I listened while the police told me our parents died on the scene.

I watched Larissa’s taillights disappear when she decided we weren’t enough for her.

But I’m not entirely sure I’d survive watching Evie extricate herself from our lives as well. That might be the single abandonment, on top of all of the others, that does me in.

“August, of course I want all of that.” Her words release the chokehold our short silence had me in. “I’m sorry, I never brought it up because I thought it was a give-in that I want to be part of Adeline’s life. I guess if anyone should know how important communication is and to never make assumptions, it’s someone who’s divorced.” She’s not wrong there. Divorce really brings you up to speed on things you should’ve been looking for and talked about to begin with.

I anchor Evie in the strongest hug possible and the hug is probably my lifeline more than it is hers. I wrap my arms so tightly around her in an attempt to relay every relieved emotion I feel where words are failing me and whisper as desperate, “thank you” into the top of her head where it cradles perfectly in my neck.

chapter 27

August

Last night I learned that one of my favorite things about Evie is that she’s not afraid to eat. Honestly, I probably already knew that. She’s not a slob, but she eats exactly what she wants without apology. The restaurant we went to was a new Korean/French fusion restaurant. It’s the kind of place where your meal is an experience, cooked in front of you, and you have to eat everything a certain way. We had the best time laughing at each other, attempting to eat our food properly, and the conversation never died.

The time I spend with Evangeline is so effortless I can’t believe I haven’t been with her my entire life. Even with eight years that separate us, we have tons in common, and are different enough that we have so much to learn from the other.