Page 85 of 10 Things I Hate About Zombies

‘I have to go,’ said Nick, dragging on the boots he’d left by the front door. ‘If you see Zoey, let me know. And keep your distance.’

‘Wow, locking her in her room and being jealous over a roommate? I knew you were too good to be true.’

‘It’s for your own safety,’ said Nick.

Peta adjusted her turban. ‘Not helping your case.’

It was hopeless. He’d explain later. He hurried outside, feeling the cool morning air playing on his skin – the day hadn’t warmed up yet. Alice followed after him, her toenails clacking on the wooden porch.

‘Are we good again, girl?’

Alice nudged him with her nose, the universal dog-language sign for Let’s go.

They jumped in the truck, cruising slowly around the streets and checking Zoey’s favourite haunts: the smoothie shop (closed), the library (quiet), the Lone Fir Cemetery (also quiet).

As he returned, a commotion along Belmont caught his eye. No, not a commotion. A march. No, not even a march.

Of course, he thought, inwardly groaning at how this quaint little city never ceased with throwing silliness his way whenever it was least convenient.

The signs had been up for months.

It was Portland Zombie Shuffle Day. And spotting Zoey among the shambling hordes was going to be like finding a zombie in, well, a horde of zombies.

Nick was on his way back to Zoey’s sharehouse when he noticed that the side gate for The Smoothie Maven was unlocked. Alice yipped happily through the side window: she’d spotted a familiar tie-dyed form. Reba and Gracie were both there – and Terriffany as well.

‘Nick!’ shouted Reba as he rolled down the window. She waved so effusively that she almost upended the patio table. ‘Where’s your girl? Sleeping off a big night in, eh?’

‘Reba,’ admonished Gracie, although half-heartedly. Nick got the impression that Gracie spent a lot of time reining in Reba.

‘It’s fine,’ said Terriffany, glancing up from her iPad. ‘Reba’s said about fifty inappropriate things in the past half hour. She’s lucky we don’t have a proper HR department. Just this on-demand human-resources app thing some of my classmates created. It’s still a prototype, but the business case is strong.’

Nick wasn’t quite sure how to respond to this. ‘So Zoey’s not here?’

‘Not unless she’s hiding under the table,’ said Reba, making a show of checking. ‘Come on over, love.’

Nick jumped out of the truck, joining the unlikely trio on the patio. Alice was already at Reba’s feet enjoying some belly rubs.

‘Zoey’s not feeling well,’ admitted Nick. ‘She was meant to meet my sisters last night and …’

He trailed off. How was he meant to explain the situation? The bite. The terrible dinner-party conversation. The raw meat!

At least Samson and Charles had a new B&B story to add to their Monsterio anecdote.

‘Meeting the family’s always hard,’ said Reba understandingly as she sipped something that looked more milkshake than smoothie. ‘I mean, for other people, not me. Everyone loves me. Mmm, the mushed-up doughnuts really make this drink. So, is this about the bite?’

Nick glanced down at his hand. How did they know about the bite?

‘June bit Zoey yesterday,’ explained Gracie.

Well now. A different bite altogether.

‘June?’ Nick boggled: the thought of June biting anything was utterly alien. Why, firm tofu was too meat-coded for her tastes!

Gracie sipped her tea, then went on. ‘We tried to get her to go to urgent care, but she wasn’t having it. She didn’t want to stand you up. She was really excited about meeting your sisters.’

Fucking hell. Poor Zoey. Nick knew how much that level of commitment scared her, and yet she’d done her very best to make good on his invitation. Imagine meeting your boyfriend’s family while you were in the throes of zombification.

‘So.’ Reba leaned back so that she could regard Nick extra shrewdly. ‘Are we willing to accept that Reba’s Razor was right? Zombies. It’s zombies.’