Page 106 of Winter With You

‘What for?’

For being the best sister ever.

‘Oh,’ Gabriella said. ‘I don’t know about that.’

Well, I’m telling you, you are. And it actually doesn’t matter what you think because it’s a truth.

A truth. Exactly what she’d talked about with Luca tonight.

You’re thinking it sounds like what you talked about with Luca tonight, aren’t you, Ella-Bella?

‘Ah, so you’re a mind reader, now?’

I’ve always known what you’re thinking. It’s a sister thing.

‘Is that right?’

You should have told him the truth about me tonight when you were ice skating. What happened on the balcony that night. What you haven’t told anyone. What you don’t want to because it still makes you sad.

Gabriella shook her head. She knew she had to confront it and she knew she had to face it now, but that didn’t mean it was easy by any means. Time had passed, yes, but the pain hadn’t faded away.

Ella-Bella, there was nothing you could do for me. And there was nothing I wanted you to do for me.

‘I know that but, when you slipped I⁠—’

When I stepped off, Ella-Bella. I didn’t slip, you know that. I was a very talented dancer and my balance was one of my best attributes. Madame Needham always said that.

‘I know, but⁠—’

I’d tried to slip. Many times. You know, just dance along the marble, lean back slightly too far or try a spin that went awry, but those times I would hear Phoebe or you or Dad knocking something over and I’d think ‘not yet’, ‘not quite yet’. Just keep trying for everyone, keep pretending, just fight because your family wants you to. Your daughter thinks she needs you.

Gabriella felt the knot in her throat growing, the ache in her chest heavier as the atmosphere of the winter night deepened.

But that night I was so tired, Ella-Bella. So exhausted of fighting for other people when I just needed it all to stop. Not for me, but for the good of everyone else. And I still believe it was for good, Ella-Bella.

‘I can’t agree with you. Because I miss you. So much. And Phoebe misses you desperately.’

But I know you are better for Phoebe. I realised that then. You are better than I ever could have been. That is another truth.

‘No,’ Gabriella said, shaking her head.

I liked the questions Phoebe asked you tonight. I like that she remembers all my favourite things – my music, my books. I don’t like that she knows I wasn’t a good mummy to her, but I am glad she doesn’t pretend that I was anything more than I was. And that’s why you’re right to do what you’re doing with the book, Ella-Bella.

She nodded.

Maybe I couldn’t be saved, but I believe some people, they definitely can be and many of them want to be. But not with silly little green teas or organic grapefruits or lots of push-ups and yoga classes. With kindness and understanding, with patience and time. With hope. With love.

Gabriella was crying now, her sister’s voice so vivid in her ears.

Ella-Bella, when I stepped off and you caught hold of the bracelet⁠—’

‘No. Don’t talk about it.’

And then the bracelet broke.

‘Stop, Lulu.’

And you grabbed my hand.