Page 146 of The Jealous Girl

‘But does he still make you feel like that?’

I shook my head. ‘No.’ I took a deep breath, my shoulders rising and falling.

‘When we were living at the stables, I felt like I was balancing on the edge between hope and doubt. Every high came with a low. Every promise with a retraction. Everything was so uncertain. I never quite knew which version of him I would get at any moment.’

‘Why would you want that again?’

‘Because it wasn’t always like that. He wasn’t always like that.’

‘And that was enough?’

‘It was everything.’

At least it had been.

50

NOW

Late August

Saturday

We walked through the pier entrance in silence, past the busy diving centre, where wetsuits had been draped in the sun to dry.

‘Do you want a coffee?’ Ben asked as we approached the café.

I glanced at the tables outside, filled with tourists catching the last rays of the afternoon sun.

‘If you like,’ I said with a shrug.

Ben frowned. ‘I didn’t ask what I liked. I asked if you wanted one.’

I shrugged again. ‘But whatever you want is fine with me.’

Ben stopped walking. ‘You know this isn’t a trick question? There is no right or wrong answer.’

I stared at him. ‘Of course there is. There always is.’

‘You mean, with Ryan?’

I hesitated. ‘I used to annoy him too when I didn’t make a decision fast enough.’

Ben shook his head. ‘I’m not annoyed. I’m just asking what you’d like.’

I opened my mouth but closed it again. ‘It’s not that simple, is it?’ I said finally. ‘There are always other things to think about. Other people’s preferences and moods. Whether they’ve already had something similar recently.’

‘That sounds exhausting,’ Ben said quietly.

I frowned as I studied him. ‘Don’t you think about all that?’

He shook his head. ‘I’m pretty sure no one thinks about any of that. Except you.’

I blinked. ‘But what if I want something the other person doesn’t want or like?’

‘Then they say so, and you can discuss it.’

‘Ryan didn’t really discuss things. He just got kind of quiet.’