Page 112 of Sheltering You

“Well, right. But if you’re hidden, as long as he can’t find you…”

“Then what does it matter?” She shifted and pulled her knee up on the seat to better face Derrick. “I do not understand. If a divorce wouldn’t protect me, then what would be the point?”

“You would be free of him. Don’t you want that?”

“How would I be free? I think…I think this freedom you talk about is different from the freedom I seek. I am already free.”

“You’re hiding. You’re pregnant, and you’re about to raise a kid by yourself.”

“But that would not change if I⁠—”

“I’m talking about the freedom to decide your own future, Jazz.” He glanced her way, then reached for her like he’d done so many times. His palm was warm over the back of her hands, and she reveled in his gentle grip. “If you divorce Khalid, you can get married, for real, to a man of your choosing. You can…” Derrick’s Adam’s apple dipped as he swallowed. His voice was lower when he continued. “We could be together. I could be your husband. I could be your baby’s father. You don’t have to be alone.”

“Oh.” Her cheeks warmed. Her whole body flushed with his words, with what he was saying.

Derrick wanted to be with her. He wanted to marry her.

This good, good man wanted her.

If only things could be different. But they could not, and they would not. And they were not.

No matter how she wished it.

“I guess you’re not there yet.” He must’ve misinterpreted her silence. “I think, if you let yourself consider it, let yourself see me as more than a friend, you’ll see that this is a good option.” He lifted her hand to his mouth, then pressed a kiss to the backs of her fingers.

The slight touch sent pleasure shivering across her skin.

She pulled away and crossed her arms.

He exhaled. “If you’d just give me a chance. That’s all I’m saying. I’m all-in here. I would… There’s nothing I want more than to be with you. But even if… Even if you don’t want me, wouldn’t you like to be free of Khalid? Wouldn’t you like the freedom to make that choice?”

His simple kiss to her hand—had he even realized he’d done it—had thrown her off-kilter, as if the whole world were tipping to one side, and she couldn’t keep her balance.

She needed to think. She took a few breaths, trying to work out what to say. What she must say. “In America, you see freedom as the ability to do anything.”

“I’m not talking about America, sweetheart. I’m talking about you and me.”

She continued as if he hadn’t spoken. “Here, you are free if you can go where you want and do what you want. You are free if you have money to buy what looks pretty in the store. People wear whatever clothes they choose, even if they are immodest or even ridiculous. They can eat and drink anything, whether it is healthy or will make them fat or will make them drunk. There are few rules, and even the rules that do exist—some rules that have existed since the beginning of time—your society wants to tear down. And they call this freedom, no?”

“That’s not what I’m talking about.” Derrick’s words came out hard. “You were forced to marry a man you didn’t choose, a man who has another wife, a man who imprisoned you and who’ll no doubt hurt you—maybe more than hurt you—if he catches up with you. That breaks some old-as-time rules, doesn’t it? I’m pretty sure Adam and Eve chose each other. How could you possibly want to stay married to him? I mean, fine, in America maybe we take the whole freedom thing too far, but come on.” She didn’t miss the anger in his eyes. “How can you not want to separate yourself from him?”

“You ask the wrong question. The true question is, will I be free if I do what you suggest. I say I am already free because true freedom isn’t the ability to do what I want. True freedom comes from doing what God says. True freedom is in walking with Him, is it not?”

Derrick didn’t say anything, but his jaw tightened. She had a feeling he was setting himself against her words.

She wished she could do that. Part of her wished she believed as he did. How much easier it would be if she thought ending her marriage were as simple as signing a legal document. That she could hire a lawyer to draw up papers, and then she could do as she wished.

But she didn’t believe that.

“I think…” She paused to try to put her thoughts into words. “I think that America is blessed to have so many who believe in Jesus. And God has blessed this country. There are good churches here. There are amazing people here—people like you and your family. I have never known such generosity as I do in America. So I do not wish to criticize, but I think in some ways, American Christians have forgotten the holiness of God. You see your laws and think that, as long as you call something acceptable, it is acceptable. But to divorce Khalid because of these things you mentioned—that is an American way of thinking. It is…how do I say? Not to think of eternity but only to think of this life, as if this life is all that matters.”

“Temporal.” Derrick’s single word was flat, emotionless.

“Yes, like temporary. That’s all this is, temporary. There is so much happiness in America, and this is good and nice—if it is real. But it is also bad because it gives the idea that happiness here, on earth, is the point. But this is not what the Bible teaches. Jesus said we would have suffering⁠—”

“But why do you want to if you don’t have to?”

“I am married.” Now it was her voice getting too loud.