Page 122 of Sheltering You

It had been Bryan’s bitterness.

The Cessna picked up speed, racing down the runway, then lifted gently off the ground. Derrick watched the earth fall away.

Derrick had tried, back then. God knew he’d tried to fix it. To help. But Bryan had blamed Grant, and as soon as Grant was old enough, he enlisted in the Army, getting as far away from the family as he could. No matter what Derrick did, the brothers had divided—Bryan against Grant, everybody else against Bryan. Derrick had taken Bryan’s side not because he was right but because he was alone.

All he’d wanted then, all he’d ever wanted, was for everyone to be at peace. He’d spent his entire life trying to bring harmony to their family.

Finally, all the brothers were friends again. Everybody was happy.

Except Derrick. All that stupid peacemaking had gotten him nothing. Nothing but betrayed.

He reclined the seat until it was practically flat. He hadn’t slept all night, and the night before hadn’t exactly been restful. His stupid wound was aching. His eyes were scratchy with fatigue.

He tried to get comfortable. But this wasn’t where he was supposed to be on his plane. He should be in the cockpit, flying. Or at least in the right-hand seat, acting as Bryan’s copilot.

Lord, help me rest. I just need to rest.

But God was silent. Of course. Because why would God give Derrick anything? All he’d done was try to follow Him all his life. Try to keep their family together. Try to be everything to everyone. Why should he deserve rest or peace or…anything?

He punched the leather seat beneath him as if it were to blame for all his troubles.

It’s all about everybody else.

Exactly.

His whole life, he’d tried to make everybody but himself happy. That was his problem.

A Bible verse he’d learned when he was a kid popped into his brain. He couldn’t remember the whole thing. Something about pleasing men or pleasing God.

Derrick had spent his life trying to please God. There was that whole passage in James about being a peacemaker. Those who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness. That one he remembered. It was one of his life verses.

So why didn’t he feel like God was pleased?

His goal had always been to make peace, to please God.

Obviously.

Right?

He started counting backward from five hundred, his surefire way to fall asleep. There was nothing more boring than numbers.

But he hadn’t gotten past four-ninety when more of that other verse came to him.

For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God…? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.

Ugh.

Derrick definitely didn’t want to think about this.

But now that he was, he had to admit the truth. Maybe he’d spent his life as a peacemaker because he wanted the people around him to like him. To appreciate him. To want to be with him. He wanted peace for himself, not for God. He wanted peace because anything other than peace made him feel…anxious.

And there was a manly admission. He could imagine what his tough-as-nails brothers would say if he ever admitted that.

But the truth was, his peacemaking was and always had been about Derrick.

Not God.

Meaning…he hadn’t been behaving as a servant of Christ.