Page 54 of Shadowing You

Now she was getting her color back. Ever since she’d come out of the bedroom in his T-shirt that morning, hair damp from the shower, he’d been fighting the image. And fighting himself for fighting it. She was his wife. He was her husband. It was okay.

Or maybe it wasn’t.

He had no idea how he was supposed to behave. He knew what he wanted, but what did Mei Lin want? Did she still want him? Even if she did, she was so thin, so tired.

And then there was the secret he still hadn’t confessed. How would his wife feel when he told her he’d been seeing someone? He needed to have that conversation before he took her to bed, right?

Where was the handbook? He needed instructions. He needed…

“Ethan?”

“Hmm.” He didn’t turn.

“Did you find something?”

“Not yet. Sorry.” He glanced over his shoulder.

She was perched on the edge of the couch, one leg tucked under her, watching him with that quiet, patient look she got when she was thinking too much. He used to love that look. It was always the beginning of some deep conversation.

He dreaded it now.

He took a few steps toward her, phone out. “You decide. It just occurred to me that I don’t speak Mandarin.”

“That just occurred to you, did it?” When she reached for his phone, their fingers brushed. He pulled his hand back fast.

Her smile faded.

“Thanks.” He perched on the arm of the sofa nearby, pretending nothing had happened.

“Any requests?” she asked, scrolling.

“I’ll eat anything that isn’t moving.”

The corner of her mouth lifted. “That narrows it down.”

He laughed, but even he heard how forced it sounded.

He should tell her about Holly. He should tell her now, and then maybe he wouldn’t have to sleep in the extra bedroom. Maybe she’d forgive him and want him beside her.

Or maybe she’d curse him. He wouldn’t blame her, not that he’d done anything wrong. Holly had come along after years of grieving. His mother, his friends, even a counselor had told him he needed to move on.

Holly was an OB/GYN who practiced in the hospital where he worked. She was a few years older than Ethan. Smart, easy to be around, kind. She’d asked him out. He’d made excuses the first couple of times, but the third, he’d said yes. They’d been dating for almost a year.

Holly was more invested in their relationship than he was, but he’d hoped he could get there too. He’d hoped he would fall in love again and have a family. It was all he’d wanted his whole life—a family of his own.

He’d always known he would never feel for Holly what he felt for Mei Lin. He’d been stringing her along, making all those people who’d told him to move on believe he’d taken their advice. Meanwhile, he’d used Holly as a salve to his loneliness.

In his defense, he hadn’t known he was doing that. And now he was going to have to break her heart.

She’d been honest about her feelings for him, even tried to broach the where is this going conversation. He’d put her off, telling her he wasn’t ready. She’d accepted that. She’d been patient with him, and so kind.

He didn’t have her number in his burner, but he could call her at the hospital. He could picture her in her white coat, standing near the nurse’s station in the maternity ward to talk on the phone.

And then what? Was he really going to have the my dead wife is alive and I’m in China with her conversation while she was at work?

Maybe it would be kinder. Maybe leaving her to wonder why he hadn’t called was worse.

But he wouldn’t call because…