Page 11 of The Rhythm of their Souls

I can feel his damning ocean eyes burn through me, scanning every inch of my body like a starving lion. I can sense myself wanting more of him. This could go wrong, for so many reasons.

All I know is that I can’t pull away from this overwhelming sensation, not just yet.

Chapter 8

I still vividly remember the days when I lay sprawled out on the bed, blankly staring at the popcorn ceiling while my boyfriend Noah rushed to the shower to wash off. It’s something he’s always done right after we had sex.

I know how crazy it sounds, believe me. But I had stopped asking him why. It used to make me feel gross. It’s like he was trying to wash any evidence of me off of him. I grew accustomed to it. Honestly, I wouldn’t know much of what was normal in a relationship. My parents failed me in that section, too. Aside from making out with a few guys here and there, Noah was my only relationship and pretty much my first everything.

Okay, I take that back. I met up and had a one-time fling with a guy at the drag strip. I ended up giving him head in the bed of his truck. I know how sloppy that sounds. It was my first time doing anything like that, and for once, I wanted to do something spontaneous.

Danielle may or may not have given me the confidence boost I needed. She was hooking up with his older brother in the car beside us. We agreed that if we ever did anything raunchy, we’d do it together because that’s what best friends do, right? It’s a memory I’d only want to have with her. And it’s our little secret.

Noah seemed different from what I expected out of a guy. He wasn’t much of a touchy-feely type. Only during our sexual escapades would he caress me in a way. Don’t get me wrong, our sex life was far from tedious. Not speaking on the size of his dick. But I had learned so much since being with him. And foreplay seems to come naturally to me.

But it never felt so much like love, more like a good fuck. I eventually assumed that all boys were different, and maybe this was all I deserved since my life was full of inconveniences. I should have been thankful that he chose me and was in a relationship with me.

Why would anyone want to deal with my mental struggles and a dysfunctional mother? He chose me and was a part of my crazy life. So, I accepted that maybe that was the best I’d get.

Noah and I met at a football game during our senior year of high school. I was seventeen, him eighteen. Our teams were playing the field, the last of the season. I’ll be honest. I know absolutely nothing about football. I know they chase each other with a ball, but it’s never grabbed my interest.

Danielle and I had made a last-minute decision to go. We had nothing better to do that evening. Long story short, Noah was standing with a group of guys. I caught him staring at me while I was shoving a funnel cake down my throat. I wouldn’t call it romantic by any means. I had powdered sugar all around my mouth. I attempted to smile with a full mouth, and a piece of soggy funnel cake smacked onto the pavement. It horrified me, but he busted out laughing. So, I smiled back at him, red-faced and all. And that’s pretty much where our rocky ass journey began.

Danielle immediately had her suspicions, and so did I. However, he easily fooled me in the beginning. He was kind to me, bought me flowers, took me out for dinner, and held my hand everywhere. I was definitely “love-struck” by his commitment.

I thought, for once in my life, I was finally receiving something good for my damaged soul. The thing is, he knew I was still sacred, untouched. And I think that fueled his fire. He pampered me for months, waiting for the perfect opportunity to shoot his shot. He made me believe I was the only girl in the world for him. And my dumbass believed his fake agenda.

Things changed drastically after he took my virginity. No more touching aside from intercourse. I could never touch him until he gave me specific commands. I was his own personal sex toy. This quickly spiraled into another problem in my life that I couldn’t control. Control is something I’ve never had. I couldn’t control my mother’s actions. I couldn’t control the absence and loneliness I felt since I was a young child. I can’t control the thoughts and suffering that taunt me daily.

Now, the one thing that was once my sanctuary and security has been cruelly taken away from me. And it wasn’t out of love. I was probably just another young, innocent girl on his list for bragging rights. He knew I was vulnerable and desperate for attention. And I allowed it. I fell for his stupid, greedy trap.

Everything about us was toxic. If we weren’t fucking; we were fighting. There was a lot of yelling and throwing things. There were close times when I could see it in his eyes. Moments where I knew he wanted to physically hurt me. And I was prepared for it. One thing I can say about my mom is that she did not back down from a fight. And as many as I’ve witnessed with her, best believe I was ready to box any mother-fucker that tried to put their hands on me in a violent way. And to be quite frank, I think Noah knew that too.

He learned quickly the night I caught him fucking my friend Chloe in the driver’s seat of his precious Mustang. I snatched her conniving naked ass right off his mediocre dick and dragged her through the parking lot.

And that was the last time I saw Noah. He is the reason I have little to no faith in boys. Good fucking riddance.

Chapter 9

And just like that, it’s my last day off. Then it’s back to reality tomorrow. I slept heavenly last night. I don’t recall having any nightmares, which is a plus. I’m pretty sure I fell asleep with a grin, which is so unlike me. Last night I had laid in bed, replaying my and Theo’s chats. I met him out of nowhere and barely even conversed with him. Now, Danielle and I are going to the beach with him and his friend we’ve never met. This is so different from my usual decisions.

For some strange reason, I feel all giddy inside. This scares me to my core. I hardly know anything about Theo. Yes, he seems genuine and mature. But what if it’s all for show? Danielle is right, I can’t compare him to Noah; it’s not fair to him. But what if it’s a similar scenario?

I can’t handle another letdown. And oddly enough, I am already feeling something unexplainable. It’s as if I can feel my existence gravitating towards him. It sounds absurd, but that’s the best way I can describe it. And even though I only heard his voice for a moment at the party, I still feel his rich, comforting tone curl around me.

I love his sarcasm and how he plays around. It meshes well with my personality, and that’s saying a lot. I can only imagine the fun we could have together in person. The problem is I know myself, and sometimes I push people away. If things seem too good to be true, it scares the ever-living shit out of me. And I’d rather run before potentially getting hurt.

I know how toxic and unhealthy it sounds. I am quite aware of that. But do you blame me? Life hasn’t been easy on me. I’ve forgiven others many times throughout my life. And what have I gained from it? Disappointments.

I refuse to stress myself over something that hasn’t even happened. What harm will it do just to test the waters a little? I will stick it out and see how this beach trip goes. If there are any red flags, I’ll call it quits. Plus, it’s too early to assume the worst when Theo hasn’t given me one reason to think otherwise. Noah is in the past, and I want to keep it that way.

It’s been a year, and I can’t continue to let him linger in my thoughts. He ruined me before, and I’m only letting him win by allowing the damage to spread like wildfire. With that being said, here’s to letting go and moving on.

Nora hasn’t reached out since Friday. I hope she is doing okay. I like to keep in touch as much as possible but also try to give her space. We both like our alone time. There’s just something off about her. I want to be there for her as much as I can. Since I’m returning to work tomorrow, I must run by the grocery store. We are low on food at the apartment, and I want to get a few items for the beach trip. Jake’s parents’ house isn’t too far out of the way. I make the rash decision to drive by and check in on her.

Once I arrive at their house, I see my sister’s car parked in the driveway. It’s covered in pollen and doesn’t look like it’s been driven in days. I knock on the front door a few times.

Jake’s mom opens the door shortly after. She’s aged since the last time I saw her, which was just a few months ago. She is heartbroken, and it makes my heart hurt for her. She gives me a weak smile. “Oh, Olive, it’s so nice to see you, honey.”