Page 9 of The Rhythm of their Souls

My heart was telling me no, but my brain was telling me to do it. I had already tried an upper, and that didn’t mix well with my overthinking mind. Maybe a downer would be different for me. This could be my opportunity to finally understand why people are destroying their lives and families over a stupid, meaningless drug.

The girls brought me to some sketchy condo with guys who looked to be at least ten years older. That place was screaming with red flags, but I would not be a pussy and back out. I’ve seen some pretty horrid shit, so I could handle it.

I remember the dude’s sitting around a weathered coffee table. The place reeked of cigarette and weed smoke. There was this dark, tar-like substance on a tray. Old stained bottle caps lay on and around the table. It looked like they were mixing it with water and transferring it into syringes. I watched all three girls individually take a syringe with the substance and remove the needle. They then proceeded to shoot the substance into their nose. It wouldn’t be too hard for me, right?

It was my turn next, shit. Every human was watching me in that place. You would have thought I was preparing to perform for them. This made my anxiety skyrocket. One thing about me. I dislike all eyes on me; I don’t give a shit where I am.

A dude with acne scars all over his face hands me a syringe. He explained to me what to do like I didn’t just watch the girls simply shoot liquid into their noses. I take the syringe in my shaky hands. On the inside, I am an earthquake ready to destroy all in my path.

But on the outside, my face gives away nothing. I stick the syringe to my nostril, and before talking myself out of it, I inhale the substance through my nose quickly.

Instantly, I feel a heavy rush surge through every vein in my body. With each second that passed, the voices in my head were muted one by one. All at the same time, I feel nothing but so much. The pain that consumed me daily, the racing thoughts, the rage, the sadness, is all gone. I feel so numb, yet so alive. It is as if the liquid comes in with no remorse. It knocks my mental door down and kicks out every negative thought from my brain.

Now I sort of understand why depressed people turn to this. I haven’t felt this calm in a long time. Nothing matters. I don’t give a single fuck about anything except for this overwhelming numbness.

It wasn’t until my head spun that my vision went completely black. I realized the mistake I had made. This is where my memory fights to recollect exactly what happens from this point on. There are tiny kernels I hold onto. Flashes of people surround me, examining me under a microscope like I am some new lab-discovered species. I remember feeling like I was floating on a cloud headed into a dark abyss. Whatever this is, it’s happening at rapid fire.

There is a burning sensation in the pit of my stomach. It feels as if lava is traveling through my insides. The last thing I remember is hovering over a toilet, puking my entire insides out. I had never in my life puked so much. By the time I make it back home, my insides feel like they had been in combat war for years. Danielle is the only one that I tell, and I make it clear it’s never to be discussed. Fuck that, never again.

As a child, I think my “addiction” began. I constantly chased love and acceptance. I wanted to feel love and be the cool kid at school. Which was hard to receive since Bennett made sure everyone knew where I lived. So, as I grew older, the constant letdowns outweighed the high I could never fully suffice. So, I said fuck love and fuck fitting in. I found a new craving: distractions. It’s the only thing that temporarily blocks out my racing thoughts.

Reading is my companion. I’m not much for sitting still, but if I have a book in my hand, I can escape this dreadful reality. Books are so kind to me. They allow me into their worlds with arms wide open. They evaporate all my mental pain and replace it with adventure and wonder. Books are the only thing that truly understands my fight against myself.

The problem is that I can only visit their fictional reality briefly. Once I put the book down, all my thoughts and worries grab their pitchforks and force their way back into my mind. The impact of their absence feels as heavy as a solid block of stone every single time. So when I am able, I take what I can get—my small fixings.

Once I am dressed, I prepare myself for this conversation with Danielle. I still can’t believe I stayed up late bantering with a stranger from another town. And more so, I can’t grasp why my best friend is scheming. She knows I loathe that shit. Maybe Theo was messing with me. I hardly know him, but he’s the type to play around like that and leave me wondering all night. Either way, I am going to figure this out because I am driving myself crazy just thinking about it.

When I walk into the living room, Danielle is sitting on the couch concentrating on her hot cup of coffee, like she’s Moses preparing to part it like the Red Sea. “Good morning, love,” she says softly.

I throw myself onto our loveseat directly across from her. Lottie greets her before jumping onto my lap. I stare at Danielle so hard you’d expect lasers to shoot from my eyes. I blow out a lazy sigh. “Anything you’d like to talk about, roomie?”

She squints her eyes at me. “Well, Olive, since you seem to have trouble speaking to hot guys, I took matters into my own hands.”

I’m seconds from chucking a decorative pillow at her head. “And what matters do you speak of, Danielle?”

She wrinkles her nose at me. “Oh, come on. Don’t act like you didn’t hear from a certain someone last night. Don’t be sour, but one of Theo’s single friends has grandparents who own a beach house in Cherry Grove. They’re going down Thursday and staying until Monday. Theo invited us, and I may have told him we’d ride down Friday evening after you get off work. And I’m off all weekend, so it just worked out.” She shrugs.

It takes all of me not to dive across the living room and throat-punch her. “So you didn’t think you should ask me first? What the fuck?” I snap, gritting my teeth.

Danielle sips her coffee and rolls her eyes. “Nope, because I know you too well. You would’ve said no before even hearing the plan. Just shut up and accept that someone has the hots for you. You can’t run from guys forever, Olive. You’ll be miserable if you do. Stop comparing every male to Noah.”

Damn, she is right, though. I’m always sabotaging things. Noah fucked my head up. I look for the bad in everything because I’ve often been let down. And damn, I’m tired of disappointments.

I’d rather be alone than deal with another dude like my ex. He reeled me in, just to turn around and leave me on the ground, gasping for air like a dying fish. It was by far the most toxic relationship. And I lived in it restfully, maybe because it reminded me of my already haywire life. It took a so-called friend fucking him in the back seat of his Mustang for me to realize the fool I was for sticking around. It was an endgame for me then. I let Chloe know she could have my cold leftovers.

I’m mentally exhausted from my unpleasant night terrors. So, I choose not to fight Danielle on this one. She wouldn’t let me hear the end of it if I backed out. I’ll let her have her way this once. Plus, maybe a small piece of me wants to figure Theo out. Something about him draws me in. And I can’t help but want to know more.

My silent thoughts are enough for Danielle to know she’s won this argument. I see a small, annoying grin form on her lips. She’s lucky that Lottie’s perched on my lap. Or I’d knock her smug ass off the couch.

Danielle smiles at me. “Girl, I have a feeling next weekend will be one we never forget.”

I stay quiet and drift into my thoughts. Something inside me tells me that she is right. I can feel it down to my aching bones. Theo is going to be hard to shake. It scares me but sends a pleasant rush through my body, easing my heavy chest. A new high to chase.

Today, I’m going to take it easy and get some things done around the apartment. I might even kick back and start on a new book. It feels nice not having to work and taking advantage of being able to do whatever the hell I want after last night’s ventures and waking up from a mini heartache. I’d say this is an opportunity worth using.

I decide to ride down to the local coffee shop with Lottie. She adores car rides with me. She doesn’t mind getting a “pup cup” now and again, either. I’m feeling fancy, so I get myself a large iced coconut caramel latte. I’m feeling good now, with no bad thoughts or racing heart. The air smells of early summer, with a hint of honeysuckle. I picture myself on the beach, listening to the crashing waves. I need more days like these.

Once we return to the apartment, Lottie licks her tiny pup cup clean. She looks up at me with a white foam mustache. She’s so damn cute. It’s now getting close to lunchtime. My tummy is protesting. I could devour an entire meal right now.