Page 198 of Winter Gods & Serpents

“Nia,” I said, taking a deep breath. “I am not…in love with him.”

She frowned and then stood completely. “But—”

“I am not.” A chant more to convince myself than her. “I am not afraid, just…happy.” I realised I was happy. How could I be happy? I feared happy. I feared because every time I felt the emotion I lost it to pain, to my father, to the night king. I lost it to the world where someone like me deserved only hate and fear.

She frowned. “Love is happiness, love is not fear.”

“No…no, it’s not fear, its worst.”

“Ma, do you love father?” I had asked absently as my ten-year-old self had rested a hand on my unfeeling chest, noting it did nothing for the man who had sired me.

“Yes,” she had said almost regretfully. “I do.”

“How does it feel? How would I know I love someone?”

She’d thought about it for a moment and then gathered me on her lap. “It feels like fear, but it is not fear. It makes your heart beat fast enough you cannot separate each pulse. You feel dizzy, lightheaded and your limbs turn weak, yet it holds you strong in anticipation and palpitation, half wanting to run from it and the other half to face and run in its embrace. Often we mistake and blame it for fear, because fear is easier. You get over fear, but that emotion is not fleeting it's branding, often hurtful, too often overwhelming that we forget the hurt and at other times just simply delightful and airy and fulfilling. But never just one thing, waves and rocks, bricks and glass. It is a war, my snowflake, the hardest one someone can fight. You win, it can leave you feeling like you have lost it and if you lose it, you rarely feel like ever winning again.”

Part IV

Lucid Dream

Chapter 36

Promises and Lies

Snowlin

We left early morning for Tenebrose. I sent a letter thanking Albius for his welcoming and all he had done for us. We had journeyed quietly through Sable Abyss despite the overflowing snow that coated the lands, almost swallowing the trees as well. Nia had stolen glances between myself and Kilian till she had giggled herself to tears. A few death threats, and slaps from my behalf later she had stopped and continuously clicked her tongue at both of us. Not bearing it anymore, I glanced at Kilian and the bastard dared to throw me a wink. I knew him to be many shades of stern and stuck up, but this was a new one from him, shameless.

My mood started slowly shifting for the worst when we reached Tenebrose city gates, I noticed the air turn to a thick static that I had not felt before this heavy. Something was wrong, the guards looked grim and did not pay mind to us as we crossed through to the castle. Zgahna. A sense beyond sense, somewhere between magic and human awareness. A prickle of skin and a lurch of worms in your stomach, an omen something was not right, that something had happened. The hair on my neck rose in awareness as my heart drummed against the bone.

“Snow, no!” Cai shouted a moment too late.

I rode ahead furiously, each pace closer to the castle sent shudder after shudder chasing the feeling down. Dismounting Memphis, I ran towards the castle, towards my father. My feet touched the ground so rapidly almost lifting me afloat into air. I felt the ground warning me under my feet, a whisper of the earth carrying malice. Bypassing the guards, I pushed the door open to face the snickering serpent.

“What have you done, you monster, tell me,” I shouted loud enough to echo over the thunder raging outside. I knew it the moment his face twitched to a grin that whatever he had done, I would be the one to suffer its repercussions. I will finally kill him, going to dig my dagger so deep in his skull I would have reached his throat.

Two guards approached me from behind ready for any movement I might make.

“Not yet, my rose, I have not done anything just yet,” he said letting out a rumble of laughter, the disgusting noise I hated so deeply. “I see you have not relaxed at all despite your journey to Arynth,” he continued, standing to approach me. “But it appears the warmth of the south has melted that ice shard mouth, you are unusually quiet.”

“Don’t mess with me, father, I think I have proven enough to you that I am not only words. If you even think of any madness, strap yourself for a joy ride.” He could not hurt me, he cannot hurt me. He could not hurt me, he hasn't hurt me.

“You never learn, do you?” he asked, waving a hand to his guards.

Time stilled for a fraction of a moment, it was then I realized he could hurt me, and he had. I could barely make out his face, bruised and bloodied, all four limbs chained as the Bruma Commander pushed him forward onto the room. His right foot limped, blood dragged behind him and dripped from wrists and ankles. At each drop a thump of my heartbeat sunk and rolled, and cried, and then faltered. Sam. Panic took over and radiated burning my insides, pushing up a cry on my throat and a tremble over my limbs. Not him, heavens not him, not Sam.

“The shining general came galloping down the corridors for my head, that is just before I found out what he had done in Casmere with his spy. When my father bought this human soil, I did warn him about Solaryan nature and the undying oaths to their god. As I had thought, he’d gone crawling back with information to the Sun court.”

Renick laughed, eyes gleaming with pride. “He tried, we sunk the ship not a mile before it left bay. Then I caught this worm.” He spat at Sam and my blood simmered.

Father sighed and stood making paces around his dais. “Opposing me is one thing, betraying me quite the other. I’d waited for your return, otherwise his head would have greeted you at the entrance. I want you to see what happens to those that betray me, you along with all the others in my court.” He signalled the sentries behind me and the room filled with familiar and unfamiliar faces of lords, captains, and generals.

My eyes never left his sunken one’s, I met no fear in there—the fear was only mine.

Renick nudged his with his foot. “Any last words, general?”

Sam straightened despite the tremble of his limbs and stared right into me, fearless and headstrong. “You were right, Snowlin Edlynne Skygard, and you will take him down in my honour,” he swallowed, and a tear slid down his cheek as he repeated in Calgnan, “You will take him down and rise from his cold ashes, build this kingdom and free the realm of his plague.” It was then I stopped breathing. “You will wage no destruction, honour my request. Give peace with no fear.”