Page 224 of Winter Gods & Serpents

“Snow, I have been wanting to tell you something, for some time now—a long time,” I started, and her smile slowly faded, worry shading her gold. I was not ready, but I had to tell her.

“Whatever that is, it can wait, everyone is ready to leave this frozen nightmare,” Nia interrupted as the others started coming in.

Snow tipped over and kissed my chin again. I loved the feel of her lips on my skin, I wanted to press my own over their rosiness till they bruised. “So do I, but I suppose later it is then,” she said, angling her head towards Nia.

What was that she wanted to tell me, was it about what she had kept from me the other day? Had she changed her mind?

Before parting to head for Isjord capitol, Elias and Snow stopped to say their farewells. He would not return from his duties before she left for Adriata, this was the last time they would see before she married the king and Elias was not taking this very well. He had not let her go from his embrace for minutes.

I moved to rip his arms apart from her, but Nia stopped me. Like a jealous child my feet dug in the ground to keep myself still from launching forward.

“They are friends and allies, nothing more.”

“I never got to thank you,” I said turning to her. “Thank you, Nia.”

“You have nothing to thank me for. I just wanted you to know that that is the way with Snow, she will never take that first step to apology or confessing or letting go. She is not stubborn, it is just who she is and how she was taught. With her, you have to take those steps. I also want you to know that for the first time she has already prepared herself to lose someone, lose you. Question is, have you?”

“I don’t think I will ever prepare myself for that.”

“You have to, Kilian Henrik Castemont, you have to.”

My head snapped to her and she nodded before heading toward the horses.

* * *

Snow had only randomly left her room the past few days, only to visit the gardens and the dining chambers to feed. Still two days left from our journey to Adriata she was growing anxious as I was.

Except Nia and Penelope, she had not spoken more than just greeting words to the rest of us, she had stopped attending her father’s meetings, which were now frequented again by Nia. She was plainly avoiding our meeting, it bothered and unsettled me, she was growing distant from me before we left for Adriata. This heavy air between us was my torture.

I reached the kitchens, Ken stood surrounded in preparation and before I could wave him down for attention he took note of me.

“Is she not with you today?” he asked, surveying around.

I shook my head. “She is not coming out of her bedroom. I have come to take something to her.”

He perked and threw a look at the pot boiling behind him. “It will be ready in a second, it is her favourite. Chestnut mushroom stew.”

“Gods, she will choke herself getting that down.”

The old man laughed and took of his specks, folding them to his breast pocket. “I suppose she picked that as a habit.”

“What do you mean?”

He let out a heavy sigh. “The king used to make her work down here with us, everyday but Sundays. She took care of the living stock, killing, skinning, and chopping the meat for us. Servants only have a couple of minutes of feeding time so she ate as quick as she could, more than what everyone had. She left early for training so she missed breakfast and she would not eat dinner because it made her sick. That meal and those few minutes was all she had. It stuck with her, unfortunately.”

I felt my features tremble and waver as my eyes drew shut at the image he had just described. She rarely ate breakfast, never ate dinner. She didn’t eat meat, fish terrified her. All of that—all that those were done to her. What had they done to the other half of my soul? What had they done to that little girl, that tortured girl who could still smile today?

I knocked on her door and entered the room, heavy hearted and drowned in an ache of heart. She laid back in her bed staring at the white ceiling completely lost before taking my note and turned blinking rapidly towards me as I laid the tray of food before her.

“You cannot do this forever, you will have to see me at some point,” I said taking a seat on her bed.

“I was not avoiding you as much as I was rotting in my own head.” She got on her knees and lift the spoon to her mouth, the moment she tasted the food she sighed in pleasure. Cautiously, she glanced toward me as she slowly took bite after bite, and my heart sank.

“Eat how you like, my heart.” The words barely left without breaking. “I love watching you eat, however you do it.”

She blinked surprised for a moment and then asked, “Tell me about it, about you, about your city.” She did know very little about me compared to how much I knew about her.

“Mal is right about everything he has told you about me and how I was raised. My father was a kind and gentle man, but he had also lived through war. He was a soldier and he made one out of me as well.” However I looked was never even nearly close to how I felt, my exterior and words never betrayed me. I had willed them in place to survive strong situations my training had prepared me for, but I had adapted too much into it, that my whole persona had dressed in it.