Page 240 of Winter Gods & Serpents

Two hot tears streamed down my numb face, she could not be dead, no. I refused to believe that. My body trembled as I drowned my face in my hands, this could not be happening. God and heavens, do not let this be true, do not take the woman I love away from me, do not take her.

I felt Driada embrace me as I rocked myself in disbelief, she was gone. “Please, son,” she cried out.

She couldn’t be gone, no, no, she was not gone. It was all a lie, a cruel evil lie. “It is not true, she is not dead. I want to see her, this is all a lie,” I shouted, trembling. I stood to march out of the corridors, to look for her. They could not lie to me like this, they could not take her away from me like this. My knees gave up and I fell to the floor again, Mal’s words faded to nothing on the background as I stood once again. I will kill and burn all that lied to me, that dared to deceive me like this. The last time I had seen Snow, I had hurt her, she had found out my lies, the same lies who had turned her to a creature of ice, she could not leave me. I still had the eternity to beg for her forgiveness, she would have to see me beg for my mistakes. I was going to give that to her. She had to be here, alive, she could not leave, not like this.

“Brother,” Mal called, gripping my arm. “She is gone.”

My chest sunk and sunk at his words and my head shook in disbelief. I felt my eyes well up and melt. “She is not, I will find her, I can find her,” I protested, my voice breaking at the thought of my very words.

“Please, listen to me, please” Driada pleaded, as I crumbled in my being.

Tightening my fists, I hit the stone wall over and over and over, uncontrollably till blood gushed out, coating the wall and the ground crimson. My heart bled and crushed a thousand pieces, and my soul began tearing. I felt my magic leak out, sear of power than scourged souls, corridor clouded black, and then Driada screamed.

Mal’s hand rested on the back of my head and then the world went blank into darkness, opening back to the emptiness of reality. I felt hollow, empty.

The moment I scrambled on my feet, my fist met his jaw. “How dare you?” I said, as another one flew painting his face red in my blood. “How dare you take it away?”

Driada stepped between us, she didn’t need to, I had given up to the nothingness.

“I had to, I cannot let you drown yourself to breaking point. I need you, your people need you, you are still king.” I let go of him before collapsing to the ground. He spat blood on the ground. “Isjordians are marching towards our lands,” he revealed. “She had been marked by our people. They are taking this as treason.”

Marked. Dead. Those words dragged claws through my heart. It could not be. “Let them, we might as well deserve it,” I said, my voice empty as I slouched to the floor. My body had stopped shaking but my heart would never anymore, tears streamed down my face still despite the hollow vessel that I felt now.

“Kil, please. We all have lost her, not just you,” he said, grabbing my shoulders. “But you are king, this is your duty, your kingdom to protect, we rot out the evil within later, now we fight for our lands and our blessings.”

He was wrong, no one in this kingdom deserved my protection, my heart was aching, and all my strength had been taken from the pain I had felt before Mal took it away, but the sooner the Isjordians were gone the sooner I could burn this city out of the fanatics that had killed half of my soul, that had let half of me dead.

When you learn of forced grief, tell me then what would you do.

You were right, my love. Terribly right.

* * *

Havoc and pure chaos circled and sounded all over Adriata as troops and weapons drew in lines toward the Highwall where Isjord had already begun breeching through. I had come to the temple where I’d last seen her, where I had hurt her again, were I’d wed her.

My head fogged, heart beating at a pace of wanting to stop and give up. Flashes after flashes of her laugh, voice and scent lingered all over, as if I run a hand through the air I could feel her once again. Fingers grazed my lips where she lingered so tenderly before clutching my chest where she’d claimed its warmth. I’d died a half death. It beat not to live, only to keep me alive.

What mad god was feasting on this chaos, what mad heavens stood watch over her death? What mad gods planned this madly entangled twists of fate? How did I let her die?

My knees gave away and I fell on the ground. Pain, anger, love lingering, spinning and twisting around me till my eyes drowned once again. It would be less painful if I could tear my heart out than have it beat inside me one more minute without her here. My palms beat my chest continuously as if they could subdue the pain. Promise—I had made a promise to hurt those that had hurt her. I felt the need for retaliation, I felt what she had felt, I felt how she had brewed in this gnawing feeling for years and I broke, again.

“Laugh. Laugh, please. Laugh and tell me you’re okay, that this is all a nightmare. Laugh and jump to scare me, tell me all this was a game of yours. You’re cruel, my love, be cruel, please. Be cruel, not heartless.” I hit my aching chest with a fist. “You are not there anymore, how does it still beat.”

I might have screamed or roared or cried, but whatever sound left my chest did not soothe my ache. Hot metal seared my insides.

I stared at the ring on my finger. I stared at another pain I’d given her. I stared at how I lost her. “In the next life, my heart, and all of the next ones I will find you and I will beg for forgiveness, as long as I get to see you again.”

Barely hoisting my body to stand, I straightened bidding goodbye to her presence. My eye caught over the dark ground at her bouquet from that day still standing there, wrapped in white. She walked to me holding it, my bride, my wife. The white memory of her sight fogged my eyes with tears, my breath with restraint.

I ran my finger over the delicate small flowers. Lilies—lily of the valley, the whole bouquet made of them. I stared at them for a long while. I stared at the strange flowers for longer than I should have. The smell of them strong, perfumy and…familiar. Lifting to scent them, my hand loosened unconsciously dropping them to the ground. The drop an echo of disbelief and confusion. I took a step back and then another as I remembered. Lilies, her perfume, the sweet light scent of flowers over her, she had always smelled of them. Her humming sounded around me, and my eyes grew wide in realization.

Little lambs with sunken hearts, harvested the white flower with their smarts. Forbidden the taste of such delights, mother had warned countless times. Nimble as spirits and quick to almost no limits. The sap of the poisonous beauty, a hundred deaths had as its duty. For that night the dark death bringer blight, celebrated akin every other night. Unaware of the sweet sap that lingered their blight, they feasted on the poisoned night. Death they swallowed with every bite, while little white lambs laid fading as light.

She had hummed that song, ‘Children of the forest’ every night. Poison—a tale of blood payment, the ultimate tale of revenge. According to the tale, the children had survived the attack of western enemies, hid on the forests, and poisoned their beloved’s killers with lily of the valley.

The flower that had grown in Sitara, Sidra and Lyra after each attack, they really were warnings.

Her words, she had never hidden them, and I’d known and not understood, my answers had been right in front of me all the time.