Page 90 of Autumn Queens & Shadows

“Perfect. And it was painful. It isn’t anymore. I like having her in my head.”

The kitchen door suddenly flew open, and Snow came into sight barefooted and wearing only a tiny white nightgown that hugged her big belly, looking confused between the two of us. Her expression widened on the pot of custard still on the stove. “I knew I smelled something. You ate without me?” she accused more than asked, waddling to the stove and lifting a hand to Malik. “Hand me a damn bowl. If I have to get on something to reach up there, it will be your head serving as a step stool.”

He kissed her temple and reached for a bowl. “Love you, too, sister-in-law.”

“Yeah, yeah,” my sister murmured, filling herself a massive bowl of custard. She was entirely too distracted by her bowl and almost tripped over everything on the way to the table, had Malik not quite literally lifted her to a seat. “I have feet,” she sneered, batting his hand away.

“Didn’t they come with instructions?”

Just then, Kilian marched inside the massive space that now felt too crowded, half naked and carrying a dishevelled Rain in his arms. “Any to spare for my little princess? She is a little hungry, too.”

“When is this family ever not hungry?” I murmured under my breath, reaching to fill her another bowl of custard, and Malik chuckled at my words.

Kilian sat beside Snow, wrapping her long hair in one of his hands to hold it away from her face so she could eat undisturbed, while his other hand spoon fed his sleepy, but very hungry daughter that clung to his neck for dear life.

To say I wasn’t just a little envious, would be the worst lie I ever told. This was why I rarely stayed with them. Watching them like this always made me just a little…sad. I never was given what Sam and Rain had. It was ridiculous to even think about being jealous of my little niece and nephew, but little me wasn’t the slightest ashamed to admit it. I had not wanted the moon or the stars, but when I had asked to be loved and taken care of, it had always felt as if I’d asked for just that, the moon and the stars—I’d asked too much, I’d asked for the impossible. But besides love and care, Snow and Kil had also given Sam and Rain the moon and the stars, even more if they asked for it, and that hurt. It really did. Like someone had taken a pickaxe to my rib cage to dig out my heart.

“I’m envious, too,” Malik quietly said like the bearer of my deepest darkest secrets that he was. “It’s okay to be.”

“It’s gone,” I said, bitter tones dressing my voice and angry tears making their way down my cheeks. My childhood was gone. Robbed. “And I can never have it back. I don’t even remember when I stopped being a kid, when I stopped reaching for any of my parents. Snow and Eren did their best, but they were just kids, too.”

He raised a careful hand to my face and wiped all my tears back before tucking me to his chest, his arms swallowing the entirety of my frame. The safest cage I’d ever been in. “Remember what you told me?”

“I’ve told you too many things.”

“I remember them all,” he murmured, pressing his lips to my head. “I remember you telling me that it is alright to mourn what was taken from us. That is the healthy thing to do.”

“I say a lot of nonsense.”

“You’re the smartest person I know.”

“You need to get around to meeting more people.”

His lips pulled into a smile where they were resting against my temple. “I think I like my person. Despite us not being friends and all anymore.”

“What are you two whispering about?” my sister asked, throwing us a quick look over her shoulder before spinning to me entirely, her cheeks full. She swallowed and looked between Malik and I, almost helplessly. “Is something wrong?”

Kilian dropped his spoon and turned to us, as did sleepy Rain who wore a thick moustache of custard.

Didn’t know who snorted first, Malik or me. After the fit of laughter died a little between us, Malik grabbed my hand and pulled me to the exit, gesturing to Kilian’s mouth and then Rain. “All three of you need to head back to sleep. You’re feeding your daughter through her nostrils.”

Snow did not look convinced. It broke my heart to see my sister look so defeated. Especially when I knew she never looked like that for anyone else. She was the strongest person I knew. When I gave her a smile, she gave me a sad one back.

He faded us to Isjord, just outside my room. “I want my friend privileges back,” he announced just like that, turning to leave. Not even a question or request.

“Where are you going?”

“To check on your soldiers.”

“Elias does that.”

“I can’t come inside that room with you right now, Rora,” he said, disappearing down the corridor. “I will ask for other privileges if I do.”

Chapter twenty-two

Burgundy Snapdragons

Thora