Page 28 of On Your Knees

I stop eating. I go still.

Ethan has also stopped eating. “Levi, why don’t you have a job?”

I swallow hard. “I did. I worked at a café.”

There’s a long silence before Ethan surmises, “Something happened.”

I squeeze my eyes shut, blocking out the memory of broken dishes, splattered food, and shocked faces. I block out the knowledge that it wasn’t the first time or the first lost job.

“Yeah,” I admit quietly.

Ethan’s large, warm hand strokes the back of my head. “It’s okay. Eat.”

But it’s not okay, and I have to tell him the truth. “You shouldn’t want me here. There’s… something wrong with me.”

Ethan’s hand remains on the back of my head. He doesn’t argue with me, but I know he doesn’t understand. He couldn’t possibly, and I need to tell him. I need to prepare him.

“I have… episodes. Not often, but… they happen.”

His fingers thread through my hair. “Is that why you lost your job?”

I swallow around a lump in my throat. “Yeah.”

Ethan plays with my hair. He seems to think for a moment, then his voice is low and rough when he says, “I can handle you.”

“You don’t understand. I… fuck.” I squeeze my eyes shut. My stomach is twisting up.

“You can tell me if you want to, but you don’t have to. Trust me, Levi, I can handle you. What I’m less sure of is whether you can handle me. But… I think you can.”

His words bring my eyes to him. He’s so beautiful with his handsome face and perfect body. But what I really see is the dark, dangerous look in his eyes.

He told me that I’m not safe with him. Actually, he said that the dark part of me was safe with him but that the rest of me was not.

His fingers drag free of my hair, tugging as they go and he says, “Now eat your dinner or I’ll spank the shit out of you.”

I stare at him, startled and disbelieving. He can’t be serious.

He raises an eyebrow as though asking whether I want to test him. I feel a huge smile break out on my face. I don’t really know what it means, but I know that something just lit up inside me.

Ethan’s lips tug to one side then he points emphatically at the food. He says wryly, “Let’s save that for another day.”

Another day.

There will be more.

I’m staying here.

Part of my brain wants to ask, For how long? because I know that things never last. I know that home is an idea for other people. But it’s too scary a question, so I silence it. I’m not going to think about that right now.

I pick up my fork and obey. Ethan makes a sound of satisfaction and goes back to eating his own food, and it’s, God, nice. It’s really, really nice. But I can’t help wondering… what would it be like to disobey and let him punish me?

TEN

Ethan

I’m in Levi’s room watching him sleep in the soft glow of a nightlight. I’ve set my chair near the bed so I can see his face to draw it. He’s beautiful in sleep. I feel calm watching him. I almost feel like I could sleep too.

But I don’t want to miss this.