Page 30 of On Your Knees

I don’t remember all of it. That’s part of what haunts me. Patrick has never told me exactly what I did that night at the club, when I was twenty-one. I know I lost it with the guy I was … with. I know Patrick stepped in. I know I spent three days in his shitty apartment in Brooklyn. Then I spent three years with him in charge.

When I met Patrick, my control was breaking like an old, rotting dam. He rebuilt it with pressure releases. He taught me to use it. He knew I couldn’t ever be a sub, so he taught me to be a Dom. First over myself, then over others.

I don’t know why he helped me. He gave me so much and took nothing. He saved my life.

Later, I saved his.

Patrick is an alcoholic.

The signs were always there. I kind of knew even in the beginning, but he had it under control, mostly, and I wasn’t in a place, then, to be anything for him.

But after we went our separate ways, he spiraled. I think Patrick was holding his shit together to help me, and when I didn’t need his help anymore, he didn’t have a motivation to save himself.

When I found him again, four years ago, he was in a really bad place. He didn’t want my help. He didn’t want to go to rehab. He said some really shitty things.

He’s sober now, but I suspect that the past still reaches out and touches him with cold fingers too.

So being around each other is good for both of us, but also bad. We’ve seen the worst of each other. We can’t shock each other.

So Patrick isn’t shocked about Levi. Patrick is the one who kept the car running that night of the charity dinner because he knew I would go back. He didn’t try to stop me then, and he’s not here to stop me now. But he’s not happy either.

“Where is this gonna go?” he finally asks. “In the end.”

My heart gives a heavy thump. I confess, “I don’t know.”

Patrick stares at his water like he wants it to turn into wine. His first year was really hard. I forced him into rehab twice.

He’s been sober now for three years. He’s been my driver for two. He didn’t want to be. He was so fucking scared of relapsing, of hurting me, but that’s why I made him do it. I knew he would never hurt me. I trust him.

That’s why I just told him the truth.

And that’s why he tells me the truth too. He speaks quietly but with a heavy tone. “I think he’s gonna hurt you.”

“I think so too.”

Patrick’s eyes lift to mine. His are just as dark. He is dark. But his darkness doesn’t fit right with mine. It never has.

“He’s triggering your masochism and sadism at the same time. That’s dangerous, Ethan, for you and for him.”

I don’t say anything, and Patrick doesn’t expect me to. We both know I’m a masochist, but it’s not something we talk about. I don’t like that he even said it. It makes me feel dirty and angry.

Patrick sighs. “Sorry. I’m tired. I’m worried.”

“You’re not my Dom, Patrick.”

“No, but I am your friend.”

It’s true. Patrick is my friend. He’s my only friend, the only one I’ve ever had. But there’s a limit to what I can be with him. I feel the restriction in myself as we stand here together. I feel the restriction in him too.

It’s different with Levi.

I don’t understand exactly how or why. I don’t want to. I don’t care. It doesn’t matter.

Even the consequences don’t matter. This is happening, and I don’t want Patrick involved in it.

I want him to leave so I can think about everything I want to do with Levi tomorrow, everything I want him to experience. I might even sleep a little, to get ready. Tomorrow is going to be a long day for both of us.

Patrick sighs again and pushes off from the counter where he’s been leaning. He might not fit with me, but he does know me well. He knows I’m done talking.