Page 62 of On Your Knees

Fuck. It was the church. My thoughts skip away from that, except for one thing: Levi was there. He came to the church.

Other pieces drift through my mind—Ruby, the article, Patrick trying to get me out of bed—but the pieces don’t really lock together. Then there’s Levi, but he’s not a piece like those things. He’s a consistent presence through it all, but he’s at the edge—because that’s where I pushed him to.

And I think…

I think he fell over that edge.

I don’t know exactly what happens in my mind. I don’t see everything come together, but suddenly I know. I fucking know.

Levi didn’t go home.

* * *

It takes way too long for me to get there. The park is closed, so I can’t even drive partway into it like last time. I have to jump the fence, then I have to find the right path in the dark. I wasn’t that focused the other day when we were here, but I force my mind to find the details. I picture Levi leading me to his secret spot, sharing with me the place where he goes to not think.

The place he goes when he wants to not exist.

Everything looks different at night, but I find the right paved path. I’m not sure, though, that I can find Levi’s secret trail, so I start shouting his name.

“Levi!”

There’s no reply. I call again and again.

“Goddamn it!”

I find what I think is the spot and plunge into the undergrowth, but ten feet in, I can tell it’s not right. I backtrack to the pavement. I close my eyes and think. I go a little farther until I find the right bend in the paved path.

This time, I’m sure. The darkness has changed the look of things, but I remember the sign identifying some plant or tree, and ferns are partially smashed. I don’t call Levi’s name now because I’m too afraid that he won’t answer me.

I’m afraid because I know. I fucking know what’s coming. I’ve done this before, and the way this moment is layering with the other one has my heart beating so hard that I’m dizzy and sick.

I catch myself against a tree. I need just one fucking second, then I can go on. But that one second, as I squeeze my eyes shut, fills with the very images that I’m trying to avoid.

The door that I opened.

The arm hanging limp over the side of the bathtub.

The blood clinging to the fingertips and the pool of it on the linoleum floor.

I manage to close that door again before the memory can go further.

I manage to go on.

I find Levi’s tree, the oak tree with the huge, exposed roots. I find him curled up between them.

But when I shout, or maybe scream, Levi, thank God, bolts upright.

He scrambles to his feet. For a second, I think he’s stuffing something into his pocket, but my mind skips past it.

“Ethan—”

He cuts off as I grab him off his feet. I’m shaking and disoriented and I don’t feel like I’m at all controlling my body as I bury my face against his neck. Levi wraps his arms and legs around me, holding on just as tightly.

Jesus, I thought—

I really fucking thought—

I squeeze my eyes shut and silence myself because I cannot let that thought fully form.