Page 70 of On Your Knees

When Ethan comes back with a carton of cream and starts making my coffee, Patrick says to him, “Levi is worried about our relationship. You need to put him at ease.”

Ethan objects, clearly irritated, “I did.”

Patrick argues, “No, you didn’t.”

“It’s fine,” I cut in, my face flaming. “I’m not worried about it.”

Patrick keeps chopping. “It’s okay to be worried.”

“You’re the one who doesn’t like me,” I snap, startling myself. “I mean—damn it, never mind. I’ll just go—”

Ethan grabs my sleeve. “You’re not going anywhere. And what do you mean he doesn’t like you? Patrick, what did you do?”

“He didn’t do anything,” I splutter as Patrick opens his mouth. “I can just tell. But it doesn’t matter!” I tug against Ethan’s grip on my sleeve, desperate to escape this embarrassing situation. “Just let me go, please—”

Ethan starts to say something, but Patrick cuts in sharply, “Hold on a fucking second, both of you.”

It happens again, like earlier. Ethan yields to Patrick. He doesn’t let go of my sleeve, but his grip softens, asking me to stay instead of demanding.

Patrick scrubs at his jaw. “Okay. Fuck. We’ll start there. God, he’s perceptive, Ethan.”

“I fucking realize that, Patrick.”

Patrick scolds, “It’s something you can’t ignore. He’s gonna pick up on shit, and it’s not fair to him to pretend like it doesn’t exist.”

“Fuck you, Patrick, I’m fucking trying.”

Patrick’s expression softens. “I know you are, Ethan. But you have never been in a relationship, and I knew from day one that was what this was gonna be. And I knew neither of you were the least bit prepared for it, and that’s why I’ve been cold to you, Levi, because I’ve been worried, and I’m sorry, okay? It’s not at all that I don’t like you.”

My throat tightens. I rock back and find that Ethan has moved around behind me. I bump into him and rest there. He lets go of my sleeve and hooks his arm around me instead.

Patrick takes a deep breath. “Levi, do you understand?”

I’m not entirely sure that I do, but I nod.

Patrick says, “Ethan, you have to understand that this is new and scary for Levi. And, Levi, you have to understand that this is new and scary for Ethan too. It’s less obvious with him, but he’s totally fucking overwhelmed and has no idea what to do. And you both have some serious fucking baggage. You’re gonna have to carry it together.”

Silence falls in the wake of Patrick’s words. I feel the truth of them, but I don’t know exactly how to settle them in my brain. I think the same thing is happening to Ethan. His hand flexes on my stomach, but he doesn’t say anything.

Patrick exhales heavily. “Why don’t you two go sit outside. Get some fresh air.”

Ethan tugs at me, following Patrick’s directions, taking my hand and making me follow those directions too. We go out through the double doors onto the flagstone patio.

There are two Adirondak chairs, but Ethan and I sit in one together, face to face with me straddling him. I settle against his chest, and his arms hook around me. My feet rest on the flagstones.

It takes a while, but Patrick’s words finally settle, and they bring a clarity to my feelings that surprises me, like my feelings suddenly make sense, like they’re valid.

It takes a little longer before I’m ready to talk about it, but I finally ask, “So you’ve never been in a… relationship?”

“No.”

“Is that what this is?”

Ethan’s fingers thread through my hair. “Yes.”

“And are you scared?”

Ethan whispers, “Yes.”