Page 98 of On Your Knees

My throat tightens. My hand tightens too, squeezing Levi’s. I didn’t know that Patrick knew. On a certain level, maybe I did, suspected at least. But I’ve never been able to face it with him. Only with Levi.

But Patrick deserves better. God, he does. I tell him, trying to put everything into it, “I’m sorry.”

Patrick replies, “I’m not upset with you. And I get it, Ethan, I do. Why you’ve never talked to me. But I still wish you would have.”

I take a deep breath and let it out. I walk into the kitchen with Levi, and we help him finish cleaning.

He’s distant, apart from us. He’s helping, not intruding, and he’s always been that way. He’s always understood that that’s what I need from him.

But it’s not right.

While he’s washing his hands, I go to stand beside him. I tell him, “I’m sorry that I haven’t been as good a friend to you as you’ve been to me.”

Patrick shakes his head. “You have been. You’ve helped me when I needed you. You’ve helped me more than you know.”

“I love you, Patrick. I hope you know that.”

His lips tug. “I love you too, kid. But you don’t need me anymore.” His eyes go to Levi, who’s carefully holding himself away from our conversation.

At Patrick’s attention, Levi looks over. He says, wincing, “I’m sorry I tricked you.”

Patrick huffs. “It was kind of shitty. You scared the hell out of me. But I kind of love that you did it.”

Levi smiles. He walks over to Patrick and throws his arms around him. Patrick is startled, and he looks at me to make sure I’m okay with this, which I very much am. Seeing that, Patrick puts his arms around Levi and breathes out about ten years of tension.

But doing it takes some of his strength, and his eyes get sad, and he pulls away.

He says, “I have to go. I have to step back, Ethan. You can still call me, either of you, anytime, but I have to step back.”

My heart skips. “That doesn’t mean you get to vanish. I need to be able to check on you.”

“I’m fine, Ethan, really.”

“I fucking mean it, Patrick.”

“Jesus. Fine. My shit’s all at your place anyway.”

“It’s your place. And you don’t have to drive for me, but this is not an ending. We’re not doing that shit again. You’re part of my life, Patrick, forever, and you’re just going to have to deal with that.”

Patrick huffs a laugh. He shakes his head. He smiles a little.

“Goodnight, Ethan,” he says, then he ruffles Levi’s hair, and he walks out.

When the door clicks shut, I grumble, “I don’t trust him. He’ll try to vanish.”

Levi says, “He just needs space to think. He’s happy for us. Let him figure out what he needs. He has no idea, and I think it’s been a long time since he’s even thought about it, if he ever has.”

I sigh, frustrated, trying to let it go. I look at Levi more fully. The openness of him. The calm. “How come you’re so smart?”

“This one’s obvious.”

“Not really. Not to me.”

Levi comes to me like he knows I need it. He wraps his arms around me. I sigh again, relaxing this time, able to let it go. He’s right, of course.

I pet his hair. “Are you okay? That was a lot, what happened tonight.”

I feel him smile against my neck. “I’m okay. Are you?”