Page 104 of The Way We Are Now

‘Hmm.’ Noah doesn’t seem to know what else to say, just continues to look at Theo.

‘Drink, Theo?’ Mum says, trying to break the atmosphere. ‘I’m having a whisky.’

‘I think I’ll join you,’ Theo says, ‘and then I guess we need to sort this out.’

‘Can you stay?’ Noah asks.

‘Stay?’ Theo looks at me and his face is a picture. ‘Here?’

‘Stay in London until we’ve done the test,’ Noah says, opening his laptop, scrolling and turning it towards Theo. ‘Look, we can order it now even though it’s the weekend; it’s 24/7. It’ll arrive tomorrow and then we can have the results the day after.’

‘Really? Goodness, I’d have thought it would take weeks.’ Theo raises an eyebrow in surprise.

Noah shakes his head. ‘Look, which one shall I go for…? Dad and child…? Ninety-nine pounds and 99.99 per cent accurate. They’ll deliver it tomorrow…’ he continues to read ‘…and results come through an online portal they give you a code to…’ He looks up. ‘Yes?’

‘Yes,’ Theo says and Mum and I nod.

‘Hang on, do you not think Dad should be in on this, Noah?’ I take his hand. ‘It seems a bit sneaky, you know, a bit underhand leaving him out.’

‘This seems underhand?’ Noah exhales, reaches for my glass of wine. ‘And what you and Dad and… and… Immi’s dad have kept to yourselves – kept from me – doesn’t?’

‘We need to know,’ Theo says, looking at me. ‘For Noah and Immi’s sake.’

‘Too bloody right!’ Noah exhales again, downing the wine before pouring another and turning back to the laptop.

‘Here.’ I throw him my phone. ‘Use my Apple Pay.’

‘Noah, do me a favour,’ Theo now says as Noah orders the test. ‘I would ask you keep all this to yourself until we know. Please, please, I beg of you, don’t ring Immi and tell her what’s going on.’

As he speaks, Noah’s phone beeps and he grabs it from his jeans pocket, holding the screen towards us where Immi’s name and smiling photo are centred.

‘OK, OK,’ he says, moving to the door, the stairs and the privacy of his room as he does so. Then, remembering his manners, he turns back to Theo. ‘Good to meet you.’ Noah gives him a long searching stare, mutters, ‘Too fucking weird,’ and leaves the room.

‘I think I’ll go and have a lie down,’ Mum says. ‘Before we have our tea.’ She looks at the clock on the wall. ‘Time’s getting on.’

I help Mum stand, offer her stick and the promise of soup and a sandwich and then, when she’s also left the room, turn back to Theo. ‘Oh, God, what a mess.’

Theo comes to sit on the floor beside my chair, something he’d always done, I now remember. And it’s like he’s never been away.

‘How on earth will you tell Immi?’ I ask and have to sit hard on my hand to stop it straying to Theo’s head resting against the arm of the sofa. ‘Oh, Jesus, Theo, how will you tell Honor? You know, if you are… you are Noah’s father? That I was pregnant at the same time as she was with Immi?’

Theo gives a hollow laugh but says nothing for a while. Eventually, he says, ‘Anna, my wife and I lead very separate lives.’

‘But you’re still together?’

‘Only just. And only in name. It’s not a marriage. Anna.’ He turns round fully, still at my feet, his eyes never leaving mine. ‘You know as well as I do that had Honor not been pregnant with Immi, I wouldn’t have gone back to her all those years ago.’

‘You’re forgetting Angus was so ill,’ I say gently. ‘And, you know, what I knew about your dad…’

‘Anna, that was my father, for heaven’s sake. Not me. Do I forever have to suffer the sins of my father?’

‘It was Fliss. She was my friend! She died!’

‘Anna, we went through all this years ago, when you found out. When that Sara woman from Leeds came to your office and you waited at home, waited for me to come round knowing not only that Honor was pregnant, but worse, my father had presumably been with Fliss the night she died.’

I remember vividly the drive home from my office after Sara Cleeves’s visit, tears streaming down my face, great sobs racking my whole body, my two offside wheels curbing as I took a corner too soon and too quickly. Then, Theo’s face, once he appeared at my door, as I told him about Sara’s visit, the colour draining from his face, me continuing to cry because I knew I’d lost everything. I’d lost Theo once more.

I bring myself back to the present because Theo is holding my hand, stroking each finger. ‘I can only apologise again and again for the dreadful things my father apparently got up to. He was a sexual deviant, a selfish and uncaring man who appeared to get his sexual kicks in a way I can’t even begin to imagine. You know he and I were never close; he wasn’t the father I would have chosen. I was a disappointment to him. Off with young women when he was married to my mum? Doing what he did when he was married to my mum. When he was our father!’