Page 73 of The Way We Are Now

‘You’ve lost weight,’ he replied, ignoring my question about his choice of author, but instead placing it on the seat beside him.

‘You’ve grown a beard,’ I said. ‘It suits you.’

‘Bit difficult to shave with this.’ He held up his right hand, which was heavily bandaged, merging into the plaster cast reaching almost up to the shoulder on the same arm.

‘Theo, I’m so sorry.’

‘So am I,’ he replied.

‘Sorry for everything.’

‘I know, I know… it’s not easy.’

‘So, what do they say?’

‘What do who say?’

‘Your consultant… the hospital… will you be OK?’

‘Depends what you mean by OK? I’m alive.’

‘Your hand?’ I bent to take it, but he flinched, moving it away from my touch.

‘I’m sorry. Does it hurt?’

‘What do you think?’

I nodded miserably. ‘If I could take your pain, Theo, I would.’

Theo gave a short burst of laughter. ‘You always were melodramatic, Anna. Putting yourself at the centre of every little drama.’ He took a deep breath. ‘Look, I just wanted to see you to make sure you were OK.’

‘OK? Theo, of course I’m not OK. How can I be OK when I’ve done this to you?’

He smiled slightly at that. ‘Oh, don’t go on a guilt trip. You tried to stop me going with you and your brother. My daft fault for trying to prove something, I guess.’

‘Prove something?’

‘To the pair of you; that I wasn’t cast in the same mould as James and Duncan.’

‘Your sisters’ husbands?’

Theo nodded again. ‘They’re decent people, doing a job they want to do and believe in. Just because their views differ from yours, Anna, doesn’t mean they’re not honourable. You know, they do have a measure of integrity.’

‘I’m sorry,’ I said miserably. ‘I’m judgemental…’

‘Yes.’

There was silence for a good thirty seconds and then I knew I had to approach the elephant in the room.

‘Theo, what about us?’

‘Oh, Anna…’ Theo took off his shades, rubbing at his eyes.

‘What?’

‘Anna, you know what. I can never come up to your exacting standards. Look, I don’t know what’s going to happen.’ He held up his right hand once more. ‘I’m pretty well fucked. I can’t even hold a pen to write, let alone hold a squash racquet…’ His voice faltered and he couldn’t carry on for a moment. ‘I was going to rule the world with my squash. I truly believe I had the ability and determination to do just that.’

‘I’m sorry.’ I tried to take his hand once more, but again he moved it from my reach.