Page 88 of The Way We Are Now

‘I think the first thing for me to do is move out of the apartment at the hall – that’s really all we’re left with now, the rest is given over to the Trust. I’ll move into one of the estate cottages – there’s one coming free very soon.’

I took Theo’s face in my two hands, kissing his eyes, his nose, his mouth. ‘You are everything to me, Theo Mandeville. We’ll sort it somehow.’

28

I knew, even before it was confirmed with the two little blue lines, that I was pregnant. On my last run in Hyde Park, I’d had to stop for a pee behind a tree, something I’d never had to do before, and my breasts felt painful to touch. I also knew that I’d not been careless with my contraception, but rather I’d played Russian Roulette, reckoning fate would play whatever card it deemed best. And fate had certainly played a blinder. Come up trumps. Whether for the best, and who owned that card, I really had no idea. Part of me still couldn’t quite believe that at the very first opportunity of gambling with my body and its fertility at the ripe old age of forty, I appeared to be calling, ‘Bingo!’

A miserable cold March had morphed into an even more wet and miserable April, with the beginning of May not looking a good deal better, and I longed for sunshine and warmth. I’d kept to myself my double life with both Michael and Theo, not even confiding my duplicity to Gemma, and although I think she suspected, she was so wrapped up with doctor and hospital visits as well as terrible morning sickness, I was too ashamed of my infidelity to confide in her. Luckily for me, I was given leeway by Michael spending ridiculous amounts of time navigating what appeared to be a period of significant mid-term unpopularity, marked by intense internal divisions over the Iraq debacle, strained relations with trade unions as well as preparations for what would turn out to be a disastrous set of local elections. I managed a couple of evenings with him when I knew I had to tell him what was happening in my life – our life – but he was so stressed, constantly on the phone, and on both occasions ended up leaving early, called in to speak to the PM. And how did I tell Michael what was happening, when I didn’t know myself?

During these wet, grey spring weeks, I’d spent a lot of time on the phone with Theo, usually from out on the estate as he tended to the sheep, or while out walking Florence.

And then his son’s school had called in a panic. Angus, his elder boy, had deteriorated with what was thought at first to be a simple sore throat, but now was much more serious, and he was in hospital fighting for his life with suspected meningitis. Theo rang me, just the once, to tell me he and his wife were at Angus’s bedside, and I told him he must not, in any circumstances, ring me while this was going on. His absolute priority had to be Angus and his wife.

So I called my big brother, told him I needed him, and was he free to come over?

‘I’m pregnant.’ I blurted out the words even before he’d sat down in his usual place at the breakfast bar in my kitchen.

‘Woah! Well, how fabulous! Congratulations! Where’s the champagne?’ He stood, moving in for a congratulatory hug, but feeling my tension, he stepped back, holding me at arms’ length and looking down at me.

‘Ah! Not congratulations then?’

‘It’s complicated.’

‘Is it? Well, Michael must be over the moon. He spent most of your party not only telling me he’d proposed, but that he was planning to have a whole raft of kids.’

‘Jesus!’ I stared at David.

‘So, what did he say when you told him?’ David frowned when I didn’t say anything. ‘You haven’t told him?’

‘He’s been at Number 10 until the early hours most of the week. Even spent the weekend down at Chequers.’

‘Oh? You weren’t invited?’

‘It was an emergency call rather than a social one.’

‘Well, I get that. The PM’s looking on thin ice.’

‘David, I don’t really care about infighting in the government at the moment.’

‘Not like you!’ David stared. ‘Well, you could at least have phoned Michael.’ David was a bit put out. ‘I mean, I don’t suppose there’s much chance that I’ll ever get to be a father. You know as well as I do the idea of marriage, let alone adoption, for two gay men is still frowned upon. But, Anna, if I ever do become a dad, I’ll want to be the first to know…’ He broke off when he saw my face. ‘What…?’

‘David, I don’t know if Michael is the father.’

‘What? Oh, for heaven’s sake, Anna… So…? Who…?’

‘Do you remember at my party, when you came to look for me?’

‘And you were talking to that bloke you used to know from years back? The one Mum always reckons you never got over?’

‘I didn’t know you’d talked about Theo Mandeville to Mum,’ I said, surprised. ‘I’ve certainly not said anything to you. Or to Mum.’

‘Mum knows everything.’

‘She didn’t know you were gay when Dad and I both knew.’

‘Anna, we’re not talking about me.’ David was cross. ‘This is a bit different.’

‘A bit? Jesus.’ I closed my eyes.