Page 30 of The Second Chance Supper Club

‘Nice in here,’ he commented. ‘Cosy, a bit different than our old place, mind.’

The kitchen at the Roundhay house was big, with an island, breakfast bar, two ovens, loads of cupboard space and a plethora of work surfaces. It had also felt rather lonely these past couple of years, with Adam away at uni, and Trevor often out at golf, or ‘working late’. She wondered now how much of that was the truth, when he’d turned up late and tired for yet another overcooked dinner.

‘It might be smaller here, yes, but it suits me.’

‘It’s charming, yeah,’ he conceded. He took a large gulp of his coffee. His shoulders slumped dejectedly, before he let out a long slow sigh and looked up at her with hang-dog eyes. ‘Cath, love, I’ve made a huge mistake … I’m so, so sorry for wrecking everything.’

So, this was the face-to-face apology she’d waited so long for. It was far too little too late.

His eyes were trained on hers. ‘Is there any way back at all?’ ‘What?’ She was so incredulous, she nearly choked on her coffee. ‘You want a way back in? For us? Are you serious?’ He was nodding, looking rather pathetic, she thought.

‘Trevor, you’ve shacked up with some other woman. We’ve sold the bloody house and half the stuff in it. And God, don’t you even realise, it’s so much more than that? A quick shag I might have coped with, that’s not to say it wouldn’t have bloody well hurt … but we were planning for our retirement together, our amazing second chapter once Adam had left home. All those dreams, the travels, the adventures … they all went up in smoke too. I left my teaching post, my deputyship, for all that. I had to walk away from my students. And you let me do it…’ She paused, suddenly feeling knackered. Her final words were quieter, filled with sorrow. ‘It’s the future I thought we were going to have that you took away. You wrecked all that. And then you left me wondering if the past was all a lie too …’

‘I’m so sorry, Cath. It wasn’t … it wasn’t a lie … we’d had a good marriage, before … I didn’t ever stop loving you, not really.’

There was a difficult silence, both lost in their thoughts. The ticking of the wall clock too loud. Like time was slipping away for them.

It was Cath who resumed the conversation. ‘You’ve hurt me so much, Trevor. This … it’s all just words … words that are far too late, too meaningless. You don’t do all that to someone you love. And you can’t just turn up like this, and think we can turn back time … go back to how things were. Just because it’s fizzled out with your new woman. Well, that’s what I assume has happened. It doesn’t work like that. It doesn’t fucking work like that, at all.’

Trevor looked up. ‘I know … and I’m truly sorry. I can see how much pain and disruption I’ve caused you … and Adam. If I could change things, I would.’

‘There’s no way back.’ Of that, Cath was certain. ‘There’s no magic wand, Trev.’ What she’d hoped for, what she’d wanted for the last few months was to rewind time, to make the affair never happen, to be able to trust again … but that could never be, she realised that now.

‘Look, I don’t expect you to forgive me just like that. I certainly don’t deserve it. But, maybe in time?’ He looked utterly deflated. ‘What we had was good … before …’ Nostalgia, regret, remorse; his voice was soft, yet the tone so heavy – filled with his own burden.

Cath could see he was in earnest, but she’d been hurt too much and for too long. Her tone was matter of fact. ‘A long time before, Trevor …’ She couldn’t deny that their early years of marriage, of having Adam and seeing him grow up, they’d been happy years. ‘We did have some good years, way back … but things have changed, so very much. And since I’ve been away, living here on my own, I can see that maybe what you did – going off like that – it was a sign … of how things had altered for us, over time. Maybe the glue had already become unstuck even before you went off …’ She let the words hover there, her own understanding of the situation growing as she spoke them. ‘Adam’s grown up and away now. Life’s changing all the time. And sometimes you either grow together or apart … and for us, well, it was apart. We were too busy just getting on with life to notice what was happening.’

‘Oh …’ was all Trevor could manage. He took another gulp of coffee.

Cath paused to take a sip too. She’d said far more than she’d intended. It was emotionally draining, but it was needed. They should, in fact, probably have had this conversation months ago. But back then, it was hard to talk, to even see rationally, not when you were damn well hurting so much.

Trevor made an attempt at an explanation, which sounded more like an excuse. ‘You were working all hours, Cath, always giving your all to those kids at school. Marking, most evenings, the weekends … then the planning. It wasn’t just me who’d drifted away …’

‘Teaching was my job, and I loved it, well, most of the time. I wanted to give those kids everything I could, what Adam had. Give them a chance in life, push them that bit more. Most of them would never get that kind of support at home … that’s why I did it. But I was prepared to stop it all, give up the job I loved and step back … for us. That’s why I left … but what was it all for? You were already bloody well seeing someone else. You’d already gone. There was no us left.’

‘Oh, bugger, it’s too late, isn’t it. I’ve pushed you too far.’ There were tears in his eyes.

Cath was nodding gently. ‘Look, it doesn’t mean we have to be enemies. Adam will always be our son, and hey, we did a good job raising him. We need to be civil, to be a team supporting him, even if he is almost a fully grown man. This doesn’t have to mean we don’t talk. We don’t have to be bitter and resentful going forward.’

‘Okay … yeah, of course. One day at a time, hey.’ He sounded accepting but also hopeful. ‘I need to earn my forgiveness, I understand that. And yes, we absolutely need to support Adam. He’s finding it hard, too … us breaking up.’

‘I know. It’s been tough all round.’ Cath nodded, suddenly feeling shattered. She waited in silence for a second or two, the conversation. letting their words sink in, before resuming. ‘So, how’s the old Roundhay gang? What have you all been up to lately?’ She shifted the conversation on to safer pastures, telling him a little about Helen’s recent visit too.

After all, there was no point going around in circles talking about their relationship, when actually it very much felt to Cath like they were at the end of the road.

Watching Trevor go, she gave a small wave from her doorstep, experiencing all kinds of mixed emotions.

Her husband – ex – hopped into his car. It was still the family saloon of old; she’d half expected him to have swapped that too for some sleeker, faster model. He nodded to her in his rear-view mirror as he held up a hand in farewell, and gave a parting toot on the horn. A small salute to everything they’d once had, and all they had been through. Despite it all, there was a huge lump in her throat … and a strange pang of longing for what might have been. Underneath all the layers of hurt and sorrow, was there still a little love left?

The past and present were at a crossroads, she told herself as she closed the cottage door. The future, the road ahead. She had, what, perhaps thirty years ahead of her hopefully, if she had a good innings and made it into her eighties. So, what was she going to do with that precious time? Bloody hell, how did you decide the best way to go? Sometimes as Cath well knew, the path wasn’t always clear, but you just had to keep on going, one foot forward, one day at a time … and always listen to your heart.

Chapter 20

Cath had cooked a double portion of supper for herself last night, partly to take her mind off the rollercoaster of emotions of the last twenty-four hours since Trevor’s surprise arrival, and also intending to take a dish of home-cooked lasagne around to Andreas and Dan this morning. She’d heard from Nikki that they were back from the hospital, but no doubt they were having a difficult time.

En route to the village stores and about to cross the road, Cath spotted a bicycle heading her way. She waited a few moments on the kerbside. The cyclist came to a halt before her, looking up with a friendly, ‘Hi.’ She recognised those deep hazel-brown eyes … Will.

‘Oh, hi.’ She felt the warmth of a blush creep over her face. ‘Hey, how’s it going? Uhm, were you okay, after the meal … with Trevor? I’ve been thinking about you, about how you must be feeling …’ He sounded rather awkward, stumbling a little over his words. He looked a little flushed, too.