Page 47 of The Last Thing You Said

What I loved about Lulu: her laugh, her smile. Her white teeth, perfectly straight except for those two on the bottom, which bothered her even though no one noticed unless she pointed it out. Her long brown hair. I loved how she got irritated with herself whenever she forgot to put it up before we went out on the boat, and how she would braid it and tie the end with fishing line. I loved how she could spend an entire day out on the boat and never get bored, how her freckles popped out across her nose after all those hours in the sun. I loved that look she got in her eyes when she was excited or interested or amazed. She could lock eyes with you, and you’d feel like you never wanted her to look away.

I loved when she looked at me like that.

Like that day on the shore of Lake Superior when we found the inuksuit, at least fifty of them, on the rocky beach. She watched me with wide eyes as I tried to make my own stack, tried to balance the porous rocks, and then she tried, too, laughing as they collapsed and knocked mine over.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” And she laughed, high and light, and it was the most beautiful sound.

I never wanted to move from that spot, next to Lulu on the shore.

I loved her.

In Duluth, everything was good. Trixie was alive, and we didn’t know what summer would bring. Lulu was with us, happy and amazed by the expanse and energy of Lake Superior.

This trip to Duluth will be different. Trixie’s gone. Lucy isn’t Lulu anymore, and I’ve got no one to blame but myself.

I start the Firebird and drive home to give Mum the message from Tami.

26 · Lucy

Ben’s cousin Aaron gets married in a massive cathedral that overlooks Lake Superior. It’s a cloudy, windy day, but Aaron and his bride María don’t seem to mind. They are a vision of love and happily ever after. I stand outside and watch while the photographer takes picture after picture in the cold and wind.

When John and Tami are ready to go to their seats, by unluck of the draw, Ben is the usher up next to walk me down the aisle. He holds out his arm, and my hand shakes as I place it near his elbow. Beneath the fabric of his suit coat, his muscles tense; my hand instantly warms, a welcome sensation after the cold wind on the front steps of the church. We follow Tami on the arm of another usher, John with Emily. When we get near the front, I let go of Ben’s arm and am cold once again. I look up at him. I wonder if he felt it, too, but there is no emotion in his eyes.

Jane and Tom sit in the pew in front of us. Jane turns around as the wedding march begins and for the briefest moment catches my eye. Hers are filled with tears, but she smiles. As the ceremony begins, she slips her arm through Tom’s and rests her head on his shoulder.

Of course. This must be agonizing for them.

Tom will never walk his daughter down the aisle. Jane will never be the mother of the bride.

The ceremony is long, traditional, beautiful. John stands in an imposing marble pulpit to read a passage from the Bible, and I feel out of place, out of sorts. Emily squeezes my hand as her father reads, his words booming through the microphone and echoing to the far back corners of the church. She claps when he’s done, then looks around, embarrassed, when no one joins in her applause. I stroke her hair and kiss the top of her head, filled with so much love for this little girl who reminds me of Trixie.

As I’m walking into the reception with Emily, Jane catches me.

“Oh, Lucy, sweetheart, it’s so nice to see you.” She pulls me into a hug. I stand, stiff, not sure what to do. When she steps back, I’m relieved. “You look absolutely lovely. How are you, my dear?”

“I’m—I’m okay,” I whisper.

She tilts her head, considering me, what she’ll say next. “I’m sorry, I have to go. Tom and I are the host and hostess, you see, but I’ll come find you later. I’d love to hear—” She falters, then says, “Well, I really must go.”

She’s so wonderful, Trixie’s mom, and I’m a terrible person. I haven’t gone to see her. I’ve been so wrapped up in my own grief, I haven’t considered hers or Tom’s.

Emily takes my hand. “C’mon, Luce, let’s go find Mom and Dad.”

Later, after the dinner and toasts to the couple’s happiness, after the first dance and more photographs, Emily pulls me out on the dance floor with Tami.

“She’s doing great,” I say to Tami. We’d been worried she would get tired and cranky after a long day at the church. I was certain we’d be back in our hotel room by now.

“It’s because you’re here,” Tami says.

Emily grabs our hands and we swing together. She sees Ben and drags him over. He joins our circle in between Tami and Emily, directly across from me, but he doesn’t look at me. The music changes to a slow song and Ben scoops Emily into his arms. They sway together and Emily squeals. Tami smiles and takes my hand as we walk back to the table.

“Thank you so much for coming with us,” she says as we sit down. “It wouldn’t be the same without you. You’re part of the family.” Her voice sounds a little sad at the last part, and I know she’s thinking of Trixie.

I nod, too choked up by her words to speak. I take a drink from my water glass. The ice has melted; I watch flakes of minerals swirl in the water.

My phone buzzes. Simon has been sending text messages all day. Friday morning, before John and Tami picked me up, he kissed me hard and said, “I’m going to miss you, Lucy. I’ll think about you while I feed my sorrow with pie at the Full Loon.”

“I’ll only be gone two days, Simon,” I’d said.