Page 160 of That Rush

Josie thinks it over. “We can both hold it.”

By the time Paige starts negotiating who gets to turn each page, Josie is smiling again.

By the time we get home, Josie is asleep against the back seat with her two braids still intact.

Paige opens the door while I unfasten Josie’s seat belt. She stirs when I lift her, mumbles something about the owl page, then settles against my shoulder.

“I’ll get the doors,” Paige whispers.

I carry Josie inside and change her into pajamas. She stays half-asleep. After I tuck her beneath the covers, I set my phone beside her long enough to show her the picture of Krista and those joined braids. Her eyes barely open, but she reminds me to print it tomorrow.

Paige is waiting on the porch when I come back, her green dress hidden beneath the cardigan she keeps in her tote for the library’s aggressive air-conditioning.

“How is she?” she asks.

“Out.”

“She did well tonight.”

“She had a good partner.”

Paige smiles, though it fades as she looks across the dark yard. I sit beside her on the porch swing and wait for her to find the words. She keeps her distance, leaning against the far arm of the swing.

“Can I ask you something? And can you promise not to give me the easy answer?”

“That depends on whether you ask me which braid looked better.”

“Aiden.”

“Yes.”

Her fingers tighten around the edge of her cardigan. “When you picture me in your life, do you see a partner, or do you see someone filling the space Krista left?”

The question lands like a stone. She has every right to ask it.

“I loved Krista,” I say. “We were young when we got married and had Josie. Then I spent too much of our marriage working.”

Paige stays quiet.

“I told myself I was building a life for them. Krista was living that life mostly alone. She divorced me when Josie was little, and she got primary custody because she was the parent who was there every day. I fought for more time, even though I knew why she’d won.”

“You’ve never told me that part so plainly.”

“I wasn’t the father I believed I was. Wanting more time with Josie didn’t mean I had earned it.”

Paige’s expression softens, but I don’t let it stop me.

“I changed after the divorce. Slowly at first, then because I got tired of making promises I couldn’t prove. By the last year, Krista trusted me again. We were friends. We had finally learned how to be good parents together, and we agreed Josie would spend more time here.”

“And Krista was bringing her things.”

I nod. “She was on that road because I wanted my daughter here. I know I couldn’t have stopped the accident. Some days, I still believe wanting more cost Josie her mother.”

Paige walks over and takes my hand. “Wanting your daughter didn’t cause the accident.”

“I know.”

“The truth you know and the truth you feel don’t always line up.”