Page 142 of The Need to Know

Deep into the night Wednesday evening I pulled open my nightstand drawer and grabbed that strip of pictures from so long ago.

My hand slipped into my shorts and I touched myself as my eyes ran across the images of Ezekiel doing the exact same thing. I closed my eyes as I felt a tremor of pleasure while tears rushed to blur my vision.

It was no use. I wasn’t even close. I couldn’t do it as good as him. Couldn’t match the texture of his skin, the supple amount of pressure, the tenderness with which he kissed me in that moment in the photo booth. I couldn’t compete.

And for that I rolled over and cried.

Alannah called me Monday morning. I was taking the day off work, and I was half sure she was calling because I’d skipped my Sunday breakfast with our parents. I hadn’t answered their call and I’d been scarce on the phone with Paisley when I told her I needed a day. It was only a disagreement, but it felt like the end. Dramatic or not. I’d worked through the first day after our fight, put my head up high and kept it moving. Today I just wanted to simply not exist.

But Alannah wasn’t having that.

I answered her FaceTime call as I lay in bed. With my scarf on and pajamas, I wasn’t trying to be presentable or pretend I was up and active.

On Alannah’s end, she was in scrubs and her hair was pulled back in a tight bun. I knew she was pressed for time, so I didn’t waste any with making her drag it out of me.

“We’re having a disagreement,” I announced dryly.

My sister frowned and scratched at her head. “Nas.”

I tried to shrug it off, but my shoulder wouldn’t budge. “Maybe it’s for the best.”

“What happened?” Alannah wanted to know.

I gave her the ugly. The truth of it all, and I was relieved when no sign of judgment passed through her brown features. Paisley hadn’t been judgmental either. No, she’d been on ten and ready to drive by Ezekiel’s condo. I loved her loyalty, but I couldn’t let her do anything juvenile because we had our first fight. Because I couldn’t stand the thought of living states apart.

“Am I awful?” I wanted to know.

Alannah looked off. “Total honesty?”

I nodded. “Total honesty.”

“I’m super busy with this whole med school gig, and sometimes I can be a bitch when O wants attention.” On screen Alannah smoothed back a stray hair and frowned. “I worry if we’ll make it, but he’s always so patient, kind, and here for me. This takes a lot of time and energy, but I love him and he loves me, and we make it work. I think you got scared—which is totally understandable with a big move—and you’re rushing to a conclusion you think is necessary.”

My little sister was schooling me on my choices and I loved her for it.

I wiped at my nose to keep my face even. “You and Oisin are complicated in the same state. I already have a full work schedule with Shéc, Ezekiel’s always planning something for BLVCKJVCK, and now he’s about to be obsessed with this new club in a whole new world for him.”

“If it’s important you’ll make it work,” Alannah said softly. “Ultimately, though, I think you have to ask yourself the big questions. Do you love him? Do you want to make it work? Are you willing to try? I liked E when we met and I could tell he was good for you. He could’ve easily schmoozed Dad about helping you with the store, but he took a back seat and said you had it. Corey would’ve talked big shit about helpin’ with security, cameras, and a whole bunch of stuff.”

For the first time in a week I managed to laugh out loud. She had barely known my ex, but she’d gotten him down to a science. Corey would’ve been trying to impress my father by talking like that. Not Ezekiel though. Even if he had ideas, he didn’t shove them down my throat.

A beeping sound went off on Alannah’s end and she cringed. “Ugh, gotta go.”

Because I wasn’t entirely selfish, I made sure to ask about her life while I still had her. “How are things? With O?”

“Good.” Alannah bobbed her head. “Don’t tell Mom and Dad, but we live together. I had so much on my plate with school, and it just made sense to at least have someone to come home to, even if for a second. And I know you’re going to kill me, but I think for winter break I’m staying here to just be home. You know? I will make it a point to come back down, but for now, I just wanna lounge around the apartment and be with my boyfriend.”

I was a little annoyed she was ditching me, but at the same time, I was so proud of her for working hard toward her dream and focusing. I hardly knew Oisin but I loved him for Ali because he loved her enough to be supportive. His lacking of a fragile male ego was what counted most.

“Hey,” I said as I caught her attention one last time. “I’m proud of you, Ali. You’re doing amazing, and someday soon you’re going to save the world, you know that?”

Her eyes glistened with unshed tears which was contagious, making my eyes water too. “Okay, fuck you for making me tear up before I go back to class.”

We shared a little laugh.

“I love you,” I let her know.

“I love you, too. Take care of you, Nas, and don’t be afraid to roll the dice, okay?”