Page 9 of Bumpy, the Gargoyle Slayer

Another ripple of those perfect shoulders. She’s so pretty, it should be illegal. “You’re beautiful, with all that dark hair and your piercing amber eyes. Plus, you wear makeup. That’s what vamps do to avoid people noticing their death pallor, or so I’m told, but you really cake it on. I think their makeup is more sheer. Plus, you’re rich. Classic sign.”

“Very rich.”

“And not at all modest.” She glares at me.

“Guilty as charged. What else?”

She gestures up and down my body. “The whole thing, really. You look like you’re carved of marble. You’re kind of perfect, and sexy, and seductive… except for that slight hunchback, but the consensus is that you were crippled before you were turned, and the turning didn’t solve all your problems.”

From elation that she thinks I’m sexy and seductive, I bottom out. Hunchback. That’s not very flattering. I knew a real hunchback, once upon a time. Quasimodo didn’t get the girl.

“It’s the wings,” I point out. Ah, vanity.

“Vampires don’t have wings.”

“Exactly.” But when her brow furrows, I shake my head. “Did you have to travel far to try to stake me?”

“Twelve hours by train.”

“Touch of southern in your voice… where are you from?”

She hesitates, then says, “Originally, New Jersey. Morristown. But I attended UNC Chapel Hill, and I’ve been living there since graduation. My tutelary teaches there, so it just made sense to stay.”

“I see. We’re going to New Jersey now, actually.” I look out the window. The drive is far too slow. If I’d flown, I’d already be there, but I can’t trust Bunny not to jump out of the car if I’m not with her, especially since we’re snagged in traffic. “That’s where I make my home. Alpine, New Jersey. I think you’ll like it. We won’t catch much in the way of paparazzi.”

“Just far enough away for you to hide your evil deeds.” She sends me a snarky smile that ricochets right down to my cock.

Fake girlfriend. Fake girlfriend. Fake girlfriend. Those lips are not going to pop off your cock, Alain. Get your head out of the gutter.

The ensuing silence must encourage her because she adds, “Because I grew up in New Jersey, I kind of know my way around the city. It was easy to find the Finance Now headquarters.”

“And the roundtable program you derailed.”

She snorts. “More like a semi-circle.”

I slap my hand on my thigh, creating a loud noise in the confined space. “Exactly what I said. Should have called it Slightly-wavy-line-table. You made quite the impression on the old geezers.”

“I was on a mission.”

“You’re lucky I’m a gargoyle. If you had managed to slay me—and your aim was quite true, by the by—you would be in a world of hurt by now.”

“Don’t remind me,” she grumbles, still picking at her nail. She’s quiet for a few more moments before she erupts. “It’s not that I wasn’t aware I could be caught. I just thought that you would die and I would have a chance to run while everyone gaped at your smoldering pile of ash.”

“Vampires don’t turn to ash… or smolder.” Regretfully.

“Right. I know that.” She glares at me. “It was a metaphor.”

“Of course.” She really needs to read more if she’s going to go up against a real vampire. I should lend her some books. Immediately.

“I was being dramatic. I’m just saying that people would have noticed the black blood, which would have taken the heat off me. Plus, I’m good at running. I could have made it out of there during the chaos that followed your death, but then… ugh!” Her head flops down between her hands. “I’m such a failure.”

Instinct takes over. I lift her onto my lap in one small movement, and when she squirms, I hold her head against my aching chest. “No, no Bumpy, you’re fine. You would have killed me if I’d been a vampire. Really. You were so good, so quick. I was really impressed. We all were.” A little frightened, maybe, at least, the humans were.

But me? I was definitely impressed.

She sniffs hard and buries her face against me. “Really?”

“Really, truly. You are by far the best vampire slayer I’ve ever met.”