Page 45 of No Going Back

His sharp rap on the door was answered within seconds. A pale face greeted him, showing evidence of tears. His heart contracted. A long time ago, he’d got off on giving her the pain she’d craved, but not this kind of pain.

“We need to talk. Will you let me come in?”

Without a word she stood back, opening the door wider for him. At least she hadn’t rebuffed him without giving him a chance. That alone allowed him to hope there was something left to save.

He followed her to the sitting room, where she chose to curl up in the armchair, leaving the sofa for him. Fair enough—he couldn’t blame her for trying to protect the heart he’d come so close to breaking again.

“Do you mind if I…?” He gestured towards his coat.

She shook her head. “Make yourself at—comfortable.”

“Thank you.” He draped his coat over the arm of the sofa, using the time to weigh up his strategy. He’d already proved he was stupid—time to keep it simple. He went to Maddie, and knelt in front of her.

“I’m sorry—”

“Shh.” He laid a gentle finger over her lips. “I’m not sure where this conversation starts—what I do know is it doesn’t start with you apologising.”

“But this is my fault.” Maddie twisted the belt of her robe into knots. “I should have said something the moment you walked into my office.”

“No.” He laid his palm against her cheek. “Ros was there. It wasn’t the right time.”

“When you asked me to dinner, then. I should have explained, or… just said no and walked away.” Her eyes shone, and it wasn’t with happiness.

“Whatever happens now, I’m glad you didn’t say no.” That was a truth that came straight from his heart. “If you had, I’d never have found out you were still alive.”

“Perhaps that would have been for the better.”

“Don’t say that.” Guy slammed the door on his sudden urge to put her over his knee. “I do think, however, we’re starting this discussion in the wrong place, in more ways than one.” He glanced at the sofa. “Would you sit over there with me, and let me hold you while we figure this out?”

He offered her his hand, and as he stood, she unfolded her legs and then followed him, but stopped short of the sofa.

“Maybe I should make us some coffee. Or would you prefer something stronger?”

Some props might be a useful diversion. “Coffee would be fine—thank you.”

She made the drinks, but the two cups remained untouched on the coffee table. Guy wasn’t about to complain, though, when the trade-off was having Maddie curled against his side. A positive sign in his book.

“So where do we start?” Maddie asked. “When you and Ros walked into my office?”

“No, I think we need to go back further, to when you went undercover.”

“Ah.” She digested his suggestion for a moment. “I understand what you mean, but for me, it began even before then.”

“That bloody mission. I should have told you.”

“Tell me now—all of it.”

“You already know most of it. I was asked to go deep undercover in the Middle East, on a need-to-know basis. I was the only officer with the set of skills needed to pull it off—it was highly sensitive, and… there was a chance I’d never make it back. I was ordered not to discuss the mission with anyone, especially you. I used that to justify saying nothing, when the truth was, I could have defied that order and explained everything.”

“So why didn’t you?”

“Because I couldn’t bear to see the look in your eyes when I told you there was a high probability of it being a suicide mission. I thought if I made you hate me, it’d be easier for you to move on if I didn’t come back.”

“That’s why you went so quiet and distant—you were preoccupied with the mission?”

She was right—he had gone quiet. Distracted by the mission, the details, everything associated with it, he’d shut down on the one person with whom he should have shared everything.

“Yes, but not as much as I was preoccupied with what to do about you and our relationship. If I didn’t come back—and there was a high risk of that being the case—I didn’t want you grieving for me. I didn’t have the guts to end our relationship, so I thought I’d make you hate me instead. As for the mission, the brief was… complicated. But that was no excuse. I messed up. I’m sorry.”