Page 110 of For the Love of Art

CHAPTER

TWENTY

Nathan lay asleep beside me, but I couldn’t seem to fall into the same state. I watched the fan turn, turn, turn. I tried to count how many times it did to fall asleep, but that failed me over an hour ago. So, now I just watched it spin the way my mind was.

Kids.

I cringed at the replay.

Everything between us was going so well, and now–

I clutched my chest. It felt like someone was stabbing me.

Our relationship was over. I felt shattered, but I had my secrets, and once Nathan knew, I would be exactly what I feared- another notch on his bedpost.

I eventually fell into a fitful sleep.

The next morning I managed to fake my way through breakfast and packing, but the drive back to New York was quiet. I watched as everything passed me by, a less vibrant color than when we had arrived. I felt like I couldn’t look at Nathan. I worried I would break down and never stop crying if I did.

Nathan reached across the console and took my hand in his. I flinched a little but didn’t pull away. The movement was enough to bother him, though.

“Everything okay, baby?” He pulled my hand up to his lips and pressed a kiss to it.

The knife that had been in my heart since last night twisted.

“I’m okay,” I lied and instantly felt bad.

“You sure? You seem a little off.” His grip tightened.

Could he feel me slipping away?

“I’m fine. I promise.” I offered him the best fake smile I could.

This felt familiar, saying everything was okay when nothing felt okay. I’d done it so many times with Don that it eventually felt easier to lie and say I was fine than to tell him I was hurting.

I didn’t want that with Nathan, though. I wanted honesty, but I’d never told anyone that–

I stopped the thought. I couldn’t bear to think of it right now, not after his confession.

“It wasn’t because I talked about our future, was it?” Nathan looked genuinely concerned, and it only made me feel worse. “I’ve never done this relationship thing. Maybe I’m moving too fast. I don’t want you to think I’m not happy where we are; I–”

“It’s not that,” I cut him off quickly. I couldn’t hear the word kids fall off his lips again. “I’m just feeling a bit nostalgic.”

“Nostalgic?”

“It felt weird not having Lianne and Frankie around this weekend. We celebrate most major holidays together.” I hated that lying was becoming my norm. I had missed my friends, but it was nothing a cocktail on Friday couldn’t fix. “I guess maybe I’m wondering if it would be awful of me to ask if I could come in a little late tomorrow and visit them. I feel like there’s so much to tell them and prepare them for with us.”

Nathan chuckled as he once again brought my hand to his lips and gently ran my knuckles along them.

“If that’s what you need, baby.”

“I’m not taking advantage?”

Nathan chuckled again. “Absolutely you are. Lucky for you, I like being able to give you everything I can.” Nathan sighed, then asked, “You had a good weekend, though?”

I nodded. “I did.”

Nathan nodded, then let the music fill the SUV as the New York skyline appeared.