Page 74 of The Wedding Pact

‘Did your dad talk to you about him marrying Carrie before they did it?’

‘Not really. I certainly wasn’t given a chance to object. It all happened really fast.’ I grip the handle of my paddle hard, seeing the tendons on the back of my hand rise in hard cords. ‘I strongly suspect there was a relationship developing between them before my mum died. It still makes me sick just thinking about it.’

Leaning forwards, she props her splayed hands onto the board in front of her and looks me dead in the eye. ‘Do you know that for sure? Or is it a guess? Have you ever asked them?’

I shake my head. ‘I’ve never said a word about it to them. I don’t want to hear their excuses.’

There’s a tense silence for a moment where I wish I’d never told her any of this. I feel suddenly vulnerable and out of control. I don’t like her knowing this about me. I only want her to know the good stuff.

I’m not sure why I allowed the subject to be brought up. I seem to have been lulled into a false sense of security here by the sun, sex and relaxed vibes. It’s weirdly satisfying to say it all out loud though. I’ve not talked about this in a really long time. Not since I was drunk one night and let it all slip to Kit and Elliot.

‘I guess some people can’t be on their own, especially after a tragedy like losing their partner,’ Ida says carefully, clearly sensing my discomfort. ‘I’m not saying it was a great thing to do, but maybe that’s what he needed in order to cope and go on. To have your stepmum as a support. Especially as you were still pretty young. Perhaps he had no clue how to look after you on his own?’

I shrug. ‘Maybe. Anyway, I was expected to just accept his new wife and son and carry on as if nothing had happened. As if my mum had never existed. It tore me up. That’s why I hated spending time at home with them all when I was younger. And still struggle with it now. I’ve always felt like a fifth wheel. Like I’m in the way of their new happy family.’

‘So this rift between you all comes down to you feeling pushed out of the family when you were younger?’

‘Yeah, mostly. But I always hated how Darian could do no wrong in their eyes as well. I think my dad definitely preferred him to me and still does. He probably wishes he was his actual son.’

‘Ah, okay. So, this dynamic between you and Darian is making more sense to me now. And your determination to be more and more successful at what you do.’

I shrug and stare straight ahead of me, towards the horizon. But I don’t want to spend the remainder of my time here with Ida feeling like this. We’re supposed to be having fun, not psychoanalysing each other.

‘You’ve got me bang to rights, I guess,’ I say, turning to flash her a wry smile, hoping now she knows it all that that’s the end of it.

* * *

Ida

I get the impression Raffa doesn’t tend to discuss any of this with anyone else, judging by how tense and jerky his body language is right now.

But I suddenly really want to remind him he’s not the only one who’s felt abandoned. That I understand him – because I’ve felt a similar way all my life.

That we’re even more connected than we realised.

‘Don’t take this the wrong way, but I’m a bit envious of you having parents who clearly care about you and actually want you around,’ I say. ‘Mine couldn’t give a crap where I am or what I’m doing the majority of the time. It was always like that, even when I was young. I would have loved to have a family like yours, especially if I’d got a sibling out of it. I always wanted a brother.’

‘Brothers are a pain in the arse. Especially younger brothers.’ He flashes me a wry grin, but then seems to realise how callous that sounded. ‘But yeah, I can understand why you’d want a sibling if you felt lonely as a child.’ He shrugs. ‘But I wasn’t interested in getting to know Darian better. I had bigger things on my mind, like getting decent grades in my exams so that after I’d travelled and worked – to get some real-world experience and enough money to pay my own way – I could go to a good university, be fully independent from them all and live my life the way I wanted to. That choice worked out perfectly because I met Elliot and Kit while I was there.’

‘And they became your new family?’

‘I guess they did, yeah.’

‘I bet your dad’s envious of that.’

‘I hate how needy he is. It drives me crazy.’

‘Better needy than neglectful.’

He lets out a snort, but then flashes me a consoling smile. ‘Yeah, maybe you’re right.’

I watch as he rubs his hand over his face. He looks tired all of a sudden. And a bit beaten, if I’m honest.

My heart turns over.

‘You know, I like you more and more as I find out about your imperfections,’ I say, wanting to get our old easy-going closeness back. ‘And I really like that you trust me enough to make yourself vulnerable and tell me this stuff. It’s really attractive. Much more so than this perfect alpha businessman persona you’ve been trying to sell to everyone. It makes me feel better about the crap bits of myself.’

‘Oh yeah?’ He raises a sceptical eyebrow. ‘Which crap bits are those?’