Page 78 of Fate Fiction

thursday, june 4

I woke up beside Evan McLeod for the second time this week. The comforter was somewhere on the floor, one of us had thrashed it off in the middle of the night. My clothes were in a pile somewhere in the corner. Evan’s hand was cupping my breast beneath his t-shirt that he tossed to me as we were climbing under the covers last night.

Evan Fucking McLeod’s hand was acting as my bra right now.

On an empty stomach my guilt and regret were far more obvious. Not regret about sleeping with Evan, per se. Sleeping with Evan was nothing short of excellent.

I regretted my inability to come completely clean to him. I’d failed at the one thing I was supposed to do to fix all of this. The big lie still loomed over us. He knew more, he accepted more of my fandom. I had peeled away the lacquered layers to expose some of the mess inside and he didn’t run.

I was convinced he didn’t understand it.

“Mmph, love touching you,” he grumbled as he laid next to me. His other hand wrapped tighter around my stomach and pulled me in closer to him. We savored this quiet. I let the word “love” dance around happily in my head.

His chest was solid and warm against my back. “I want you to come visit me in New York,” he groaned against me. “Next weekend if you want to.” He said it so casually, like the train tickets were booked and restaurant reservations were me. “We can give this a spin in the real world. I know how to be invisible there.”

Those visions I’d been trying to suppress resurfaced. Us holding hands walking down a street. Curled up on his couch eating takeout. Getting drinks at a rooftop bar. Real life.

“Okay.” I’d let my imagination run a little while longer.

“Really?” His voice brightened.

I turned to face him, he smiled when he saw me, radiant blue eyes sparkling in the morning sun, his growing beard darkening his chin. The vice grip around my heart tightened. “Yes, really,” I even surprised myself. “It’s been a while since I’ve been to the city”

He mindlessly twirled one of my curls. “So we’ll have to do all the touristy things then. The double decker tour bus, pictures with a crusty mascot in Times Square⁠—”

“You would never go to Times Square,” I laughed. “But we can do whatever you want, even if it’s lounging around your beautiful penthouse suite.”

He huffed a laugh. “You’d be sorely disappointed with my apartment.”

“Why, it’s not a massive penthouse with all marble surfaces and shiny chrome fixtures?”

Evan kissed me instead of answering, giving a breathy laugh against my skin.

“I’m gonna go off and make us some coffee.” I yawned and stretched and sat up on the edge of the bed.

I turned to Evan who was still lounging, a sweet, lazy grin on his face. “You’re so pretty in the morning,” he said quietly.

I leaned over to kiss him, he grabbed my waist and pulled me back into bed. A raucous giggle exploded out of me, shrill and girlish and all of the things I’d been trying to not be.

He buried his face in my hair, his arms wrapped tightly around me. “I don’t want to leave.”

“This bed or camp?” I rhetorically asked.

“Both.” His eyes darkened as he looked at me sadly. “We probably should get up, though, shouldn’t we?”

I nodded. “I need caffeine as soon as possible…and it’ll look suspicious if we’re hiding in here all day.”

“Fine, fine,” he digressed. He planted a chaste kiss on my cheek and I stepped out onto the porch.

The morning was cloudy, a haze of traveling Canadian wildfire smoke had settled itself across the mountains encircling the lake. Thanks to an abnormally strong southern wind, the sun was clumsily pushing through the smoke, creating tiger stripes of blue across the amber-gray sky. Small white caps kissed the top of the waves as a chilly breeze blew past.

The lake had changed over the years, much like I had. The coastline eroded slowly but changed nonetheless. Year over year, I grew taller, changed my hair, friends, clothes. Far more jarring than the millimeters of rock whittled away by the waters.

But still, change nonetheless.

This trip with Evan was a garish juxtaposition to every time I’d been here with Nick. Evan was in tune with me and the surroundings. I wouldn’t round a corner to see him crouching down, hovered over his phone like a troll protecting a magical rune like Nick used to. There were no heated words exchanged regarding how we spent the trip and his addiction to his phone. There was no devolution into fights about the rent, the scent of alcohol that lingered on his clothes, and everything else that seemed to bubble up the moment we raised our voices.

I was spoiled with the opportunity to quietly enjoy this all with Evan.