Page 93 of Never Gonna Happen

Oh yeah, come on, squealed Kelly’s voice from the other side of the wall.

Jamie’s hands stopped their steady path southwards. Right there, don’t stop, continued Kelly.

‘Oh my God,’ whispered Emily, ‘are we going to listen to Kelly and Leon having sex all night?’

Up a bit, yelled Kelly. Oh yeah, that’s it. Harder.

‘She sounds like a foreman on a building site,’ laughed Jamie. ‘I’ll put the TV on.’

He scrambled for the TV remote as Leon’s enthusiastic grunts joined Kelly’s incredibly specific directions. Emily turned up the volume on a repeat of Gogglebox and nestled back into Jamie’s shoulder, both of them shaking with laughter as a rhythmic thumping penetrated the wall behind their bed.

Chapter Forty-Four

Emily and Jamie were eating breakfast in the hotel restaurant when Kelly and Leon appeared, both of them looking rough as old boots. Even though Emily loved Kelly like a sister, it was hard to ignore that she and Jamie had been kept awake half the night by their incredibly vocal shagging. But on the flipside, Kelly hadn’t had a man in her bed for far too long, so Emily couldn’t begrudge her what had clearly been a very satisfying evening. Leon at least had the decency to look a little sheepish, but Kelly was entirely impervious to any judgement.

‘Happy birthday, gorgeous,’ she said to Emily, pulling her into a hug before grabbing a triangle of toast from the rack and plonking herself down in one of the two spare chairs. Jamie nodded to the waiter, who scurried over with a fresh pot of coffee.

‘Sleep well?’ asked Emily sweetly. Leon glanced at Jamie and blushed.

‘Like a log,’ said Kelly. ‘What a great party. Your mum and dad absolutely smashed it.’

‘They’re on their way over,’ said Emily. ‘I think they want to have a nosy at the hotel.’

Kelly’s slice of toast froze halfway to her mouth. ‘Oh crap, I need to leave,’ she said. ‘They’ll think I’m a right slapper if they know I stayed the night.’

‘We can get a taxi later if you’re not in a hurry,’ said Leon quickly. ‘Do you need to get back to your daughter?’

‘No,’ said Kelly with a coy smile. ‘She’s at my mum’s. I said I’d go for lunch, so I’m free all morning.’

Emily couldn’t help but smile at them both, even though the 3 a.m. memories of Kelly demanding that Leon spank her with a rolled-up copy of Sussex Life were still vivid.

‘Might take breakfast back upstairs then,’ said Kelly. ‘Don’t tell your mum and dad I’m here.’

‘Won’t say a word,’ said Emily. ‘Enjoy the rest of your morning.’

Kelly winked at Emily, before giving Jamie a wave and following Leon to the buffet. They watched them both fill a tray, giggling and nudging each other like schoolchildren, before disappearing back towards the stairs.

‘Unbelievable,’ said Jamie. ‘Do you think she’ll be embarrassed when you tell her we heard everything?’

Emily laughed and shook her head. ‘Kelly doesn’t do embarrassment. She is entirely without shame.’

‘This is a bit posh,’ said Carol, looking up at the lantern window in the roof of the restaurant. She poked the flowers in the vase on the table to check they were real and admired the modern artwork on the walls. ‘I’ve always wondered what this place was like. Maureen almost had her wedding here but ended up getting a marquee at the football club instead. I don’t think Nigel had as much money as she thought. Do you remember, Martin?’

‘Why don’t you join us for breakfast,’ said Jamie quickly, before Carol launched into further stories about random acquaintances. He signalled to the waiter, who came over with his pencil poised. ‘Can we have some more toast and pastries?’

‘Well, don’t mind if I do,’ said Carol. ‘I’ve only had a SlimFast.’

Martin took the fourth chair and smiled indulgently at his daughter. ‘Happy birthday, Moomin.’

‘Thanks, Dad,’ said Emily. ‘It was such a great party.’

‘We got you a present,’ said Carol, rummaging in her handbag for a tiny box. Emily excitedly pulled off the ribbon and the wrapping and opened the lid; inside was a delicate silver bracelet with three hearts hanging from it.

‘One heart for each decade,’ said Carol.

‘I love it,’ replied Emily, her eyes filling with tears. ‘Thank you.’

‘Also that birthday roast I told you I was cooking,’ said Martin conspiratorially, ‘is actually a family pub lunch. Your brothers are treating us all.’