Page 6 of Daughter of Rot

Dirt and rocks crunched under her feet. The air was heavy with the depth of blooming cottonwoods. Sun rays shone through the fractals of branches above her and left diamond shaped shadows on the trail. Go-Go zoomed ahead then looked back and waited for Olivia to catch up. At the end of the trail, she picked him up and kissed his nose.

She took him home and they ran circles around the house. She let him nap in her room. She made him a bed with a pillow and fluffy blankets. She napped next to him. It was all so surreal. This was love at first sight. She loved him. Deeply. She didn’t want to imagine a future without Go-Go, but ultimately, she understood it could all be taken from her. A trace of anger vibrated in her gut. Is this what a mom is supposed to feel? Endless fear? As though it could all be gone in an instant? Then, there’s nothing. Just an emptiness? A void in the belly? An ache in the throat? Olivia sat up in bed and watched as Go-Go slept.

When Isela got home, Olivia asked her in a whisper, Do you think we could ever have a dog?

Isela scoffed, And then what? I waste money on a little creature that only eats and shits and cries? I become responsible for another little thing?

Olivia looked into her mother’s eyes. Can we please have a dog?

Enraged at the question, Isela turned the TV on and blasted the volume. Olivia covered her ears at the jolt of sound.

I never had any animals and I turned out fine! Isela sighed and turned the volume down. You'll live without a dog.

What if a dog just showed up? Sort of like a miracle?

A stray is not a miracle. A stray is a nuisance. A stray is an omen. Did you see a dog today?

Olivia nodded.

Where is it?

Olivia didn’t respond.

Where is the dog?

Olivia could feel the back of her throat tightening into a cry, but she held it back. She pointed to her room.

Get it out of the house. NOW.

Olivia wanted to scream. She held it in. Her face turned hot.

What if Dad wants a dog? Can we keep him then?

Olive, don’t start. Don’t you dare go to your dad and start a fight between us.

What if he says yes?

Keep the dog until your dad gets here. Let’s see what he says.

Alfonso never showed up. Olivia slept with Go-Go until around 3:00AM. Isela crept into Olivia’s room and picked up the puppy. The puppy whined and licked the top of her hand. She walked toward the mossy door, her hand reaching for the handle. She stood there for a moment and turned away. She walked toward the front door instead, opened the garden gate, placed the puppy down and watched as he wandered into the darkness.

A PROTECTION SPELL

Olivia wants to cast a protection spell. She overheard Rebecca on the phone, talking to a client. If you protect your heart, your mind and soul will be protected too. Do not let that woman steal your energy. Olivia imagined energy as fireflies zipping around someone’s body with golden light. The energy thief, a shadowy frog with a ridiculous and long slimy tongue. A gluttonous beast with the intention of a demon. In her eavesdropping, Olivia overheard ingredients and kept mental notes. Rosemary. Rose oil. Eucalyptus. Salt. A black candle. A bay leaf. Imagine a white light of protection around you. Let it envelope you. Olivia imagined herself as a mummy with glowing cloth covering the entirety of her body. She listened in on more phone calls with bated breath. Spells are about intention. Spells are about what has settled into your heart.

Olivia wants protection from her mother. Specifically, an energetic shield of protection for her own heart. Alchemy could help her take matters into her own hands. She’s never fallen in love with another person, but she understands the numbing sensation of heartbreak. There's a hollow echo in her chest from yearning to be understood. Sometimes, when Isela dozed off on the couch, Olivia watched her sleeping, wondering what she dreamed about. What goes on in her head? What really goes on in there? Her mother reminded her of a thunderstorm. Soothing and frightening at the same time. Olivia often wondered if Isela loved her. Does her mother feel softness for her? Why does the air around her mother feel so heavy all the time? Why is Olivia’s urge to run away? To disappear? Why did it hurt when she thought about Isela? Who was this strange person who made her feel as though everything was her fault? Isela's words were venom inside of Olivia's head. Her mother was a source of heartache.

Olivia finds an old baby food jar and collects her ingredients inside. She takes pink rose petals from the garden. She uses ten petals for her age. She gathers two acorns from the oaks and thanks the trees. She washes and dries eggshells in the sun and crumbles them into the jar. She adds a spoonful of salt. She knows better than to write anything as evidence, so she whispers into the jar, Please protect my heart. Protect me from those who wish to do me harm. Protect me until I can finally run. She imagines her words as neon pink, filling up the jar like liquid. She seals the jar and envisions a dandelion yellow light leading her through the forest to the jar’s burial spot. When she finds the spot, she digs with her hands until they cramp. She takes some of the dirt and rubs it into her face and hair. She rubs her arms with the dirt and sobs as she places the jar under the earth.

When she gets home, she runs a hot shower and rinses off the dirt. She visualizes the dirt as all of the words her mother uses that make her feel unwanted and unloved. The words fall off and circle down the drain. She imagines the dirt writing a letter under the earth asking for roots of a rotting tree to take her mother and keep her under so she can rot too. Olivia shakes out these thoughts and pictures the roots of ancient oak trees taking her under instead, then showing her the candescent core of the earth and launching her through. On the other side, there’s safety. Another world. Another dimension. A place where she will never have to see her mother again.

THE MOTHER

It had been hours since the knocking started. Over and over, the noise rattled inside of Olivia's head. It was a Saturday. Isela was gone and Olivia tried her best to sleep in. The incessant sound irritated Olivia until she felt no choice but to succumb to it. It woke her up. Olivia clenched her jaw as she walked through the house. The knocking unchanging. It went from a soft tap tap tap to a BANG BANG BANG as though someone were knocking with both fists. Over and over. Olivia tried to ignore the sound, she turned the TV on and let it play in the background. She turned the volume up on an infomercial for psychics who claimed to be qualified because they all had near death experiences. WE ALMOST DIED. TALK TO US FOR $19.99. The knocking grew louder. The quirky psychics turned silent as the TV went mute on its own. The knocking escalated into a rapid succession of thumping and banging all around her, shaking the walls and knocking over photographs of her mother. Olivia tensed up as her irritation turned to fear.

Olivia stayed as quiet as possible, counting each soft breath she took, and sweating from the violence in her gut. Beyond her room, the new door was calling to her. She walked toward the door and the house went silent. The knocking stopped. Olivia's chest heaved and her heartbeat thudded inside of her head.

The first temptation started as a singular coral honeysuckle vine, blooming bright and pleasant. It slithered up the wall and burst into multiple vines. One of the vines wriggled onto Olivia's head and spiraled itself into a halo, hovering above the crown of her head. The scent of honeysuckle spread into the house.