Page 103 of All for Love

“They’re going into hot cocoa,” Kody said, leaping to my defense without hesitation. “Give them a few seconds and they’ll be good as new.”

A terse second passed as Mom’s gaze clashed with his. Then she sighed and went to grab her coat before ushering us all out the door. I knew she was doing her best to create the perfect familyChristmas, but she couldn’t marry a man and expect his thirty-year-old sons to treat her like they would their own mother.

They also couldn’t expect a piece of paper tying themselves to one another legally to automatically turn us into one big happy family. We weren’t that, and it wasn’t only because I had feelings for Kody. Even if he and I didn’t have these feelings for each other, giving us each a personalized mug wouldn’t create the familial tie she was trying to force.

My mother kept quietly complaining about the expired marshmallows. I sighed, dragging my boots through the snow. God, I really wish I was anywhere but here.

Even being alone at Christmas had to be better than this. I swore to myself then and there that next year, I was making other plans. I wouldn’t subject myself to this again. As the cold air made my nostrils burn and chilled me to the bone, I decided that a warm Christmas sounded like a great idea.

Next year, I’m heading to Hawaii for the holidays. Or Fiji.

At first, I didn’t realize that Kody had come up beside me, but as I took my next breath, I caught a whiff of his cologne and my insides went haywire. Tears welled in my eyes and I gripped my mug tighter.

“Do you think everyone is having fun?” he asked quietly, his voice raspier than usual. Like he was forcing himself to speak past a constricted throat. “They should be, right?”

I shrugged, still mad and sad, and feeling a thousand other things, but I managed a smile. He was my only ally here, and even though I wanted nothing more than to be either in his arms or to forget I’d ever felt this way at all, I still managed a small smile.

“The Grinch didn’t steal Christmas this year. We did.”

He shook his head, bumping his shoulder gently into mine. “Christmas isn’t over yet.”

“I know,” I murmured, not looking at him. My eyes focused dead ahead but didn’t see anything.

In my mind’s eye, I pictured him instead. I tried not to, but it didn’t work.

Since I couldn’t stare at him for real, I did it internally, imagining what he looked right then. He was wearing jeans and a thick navy jacket with the hood up, his bright blond hair swallowed by the black and navy weatherproof fabric. Brown leather boots on his feet. He was clean shaven but the corners of his mouth had been turned down almost all night, except for when he was faking it.

My heart twisted in on itself at the mental image, and I nearly gasped out loud at the excruciating pain. Only a soft whimper escaped that I couldn’t hold back. He groaned quietly in response but that was it.

We kept walking side by side, but we hardly said a word to each other. As we passed the decorated front lawns of their neighbors, he didn’t even make any snide comments except for one. “Can you feel their eyes on us? I can. It’s like they keep expecting me to fucking mount you like I’m some kind of animal.”

Once again, I wished I could give him some comfort, but all I could really do was agree. “I know, but I just don’t feel like I belong back there with them right now.”

“Same.”

A few short sentences, and that was it for the entire walk, but those few short sentences had made my pain escalate so damn much. Neither of us felt like we belonged anywhere but with each other right now, and we both knew it.

All this had been easier when I’d thought he wasn’t feeling it as badly as I was, but now that I knew in no uncertain terms that he was, it was torture.

The people in the neighborhood had gone all out with the lights. There were Santas and sleighs, reindeer and giant candy canes. Massive Christmas trees made of lights and all sorts of wonderful displays, but while I appreciated it all, I just couldn’t get into it.

By the time we got back to the house, I didn’t even know what to do with myself anymore. I was so sad and so miserable that all I really wanted was to go to bed, and yet, everyone else headed back to the living room.

Mr. Wagner gave my mother a quick kiss and then turned to glance at us. “If you’ll excuse me for a few minutes, I have to go tip the staff and send them home for the rest of the year.”

He disappeared, and Kaden turned to Kody. “Join me for a cigar?”

Kody arched a brow at him, but then shoved his hands into the pockets of his jeans and nodded. The twins vanished and I watched them go before settling down on the sofas with my mother and Brooke. There wasn’t enough alcohol in the world to make the conversation we were probably about to have even the least bit tolerable.

Bah humbug.