Page 57 of All for Love

MERCEDES

“It’s good to have some time alone again,” I said to my mother as we strolled into the mall.

She squeezed my arm and smiled. “It’s just the honeymoon phase. It’ll pass. Besides, you’ve been plenty busy yourself.”

“I know. It’s just been a while, is all. I’m happy for you, though. I hope it’s not just the honeymoon period and that you two are going to be this wrapped up in each other forever.”

A dreamy glaze took over her eyes. “It’s unlikely, but I hope so too. For now, I’m just happy to be here with you.”

She blinked the dreaminess away and focused on the packed spaces ahead of us. “Christmas shopping on an empty stomach is never a good idea. Let’s stop for a quick lunch before we tackle the crowds, shall we?”

I nodded, glancing at her as she guided us toward the food court and noticing again how happy she looked. Her profile was soft and relaxed, a seemingly perpetual smile on her lips. She was always like this nowadays. Like her marriage to Mr. Wagner fulfilled her in every possible way and she was so happy that she couldn’t not smile.

I didn’t remember ever having seen her like this before, and I was thrilled for her. I just also had this weird, empty feeling in the pit of my stomach. Probably just the Christmas blues.

Whatever it was, I wasn’t going to let it ruin my time with her. Especially not here, with Christmas music playing through the mall speakers, all kinds of tantalizing, sweet scents in the air, and a joyous atmosphere to match.

Usually, I adored all this. I adored the decorations, the carolers, the trees, and the music. I adored the excitement on children’s faces as they zoomed through the mall with their exhausted parents in tow and I adored the never-ending reminder that Christmas was well and truly around the corner.

This year, however, it was making me miss something. Or someone.

It was like the very air I breathed infused my veins with a sense of longing and melancholy, and like that kept kicking the festive spirit just out of my reach. Oh, get over it. It’s not so bad. You’ll get there. It’s just been a long year.

I kept repeating that mantra to myself as Mom chose an Indian fast-food restaurant for us to sit at and disappeared to make our order at the counter. While she was gone, I worked on improving my mood, but by the time she got back, not even the aromatic scent of the food she set down in front of me was helping.

Mom sat down across the table from me, unwrapping her plastic fork and sighing happily as she breathed in the steam coming off her food. She looked up at me with her fork hovering right above her bowl.

“Are you okay?” she asked suddenly.

I frowned, but then I faked a smile and nodded. “Of course. Yes. Thank you. This smells divine.”

“It does, but you seem to be so lost in thought that it doesn’t look like you’d have noticed if I’d brought a piece of cardboard on a plate back to the table. What’s going on?”

I cleared my throat and picked up my own cutlery, shaking the cobwebs of misplaced nostalgia out of my head. “It’s nothing. Really. I’m fine. It’s just been a long week.”

Mom’s eyes moved from one of mine to the other, slowly and clearly assessing before she exhaled and cocked her head. “I know this marriage might not be the easiest thing for you to navigate, my darling. It’s been just the two of us for so long and now, suddenly, you have a stepfather and two grown stepbrothers. We’re spending time together as a family but they’re little more than strangers to you, and you and I haven’t had nearly as much time alone as we usually do.”

Leaning forward, I reached out and put my hand on top of hers that was resting on the table. “It’s really not that, Mom. Honestly, it hasn’t been the easiest thing I’ve ever had to get used to, but I don’t mean that in a bad way. In fact, I’m happy to do it, and as long as Mr. Wagner keeps putting that smile on your face, I’ll do whatever it takes to get to know them until they feel like a father and brothers rather than strangers.”

Mom chewed the inside of her lower lip as she looked at me with her head still cocked and that assessing shimmer still in her eyes. “You’ve always been a trooper, Mercedes. You’ve also always been far too quick to dismiss your own feelings if it means doing what you think will make others happy. I appreciate that you’ve been trying so hard with them, but I’m sorry for not checking in with you earlier. I know you’re saying that whatever is going on with you isn’t about that, but I’m just not so sure that’s true.”

“It is true,” I reassured her. “I’m so damn happy for you. Truly. The Wagners have been amazing about bringing us into the fold and opening up their home and traditions to us. Please don’t worry about me. I’m all good.”

“You’re not, though,” she said quietly, turning over her hand under mine and wrapping her fingers around my own. “There’s something going on with you, baby. You don’t have to talk to me about it if you don’t want to, but just know that I’ll be here to listen when you are.”

As I looked into her eyes, I realized she wasn’t going to stop worrying just because I’d told her to. Right now, just by trying to act like I was hunky dory, I was diminishing her joy. Leaching some of the happiness Mr. Wagner brought her.

I couldn’t be responsible for that. This woman had given birth to me, raised me, and was my best friend in the world. She knew me too well and the truth was that I wasn’t as happy as I was pretending to be.

Giving her absolutely nothing and treating her like a mushroom by keeping her in the dark and feeding her shit wasn’t going to work. “It’s not that I don’t want to talk to you about it, Mom. I have some personal stuff I’m navigating that I’m not ready to talk to anyone about just yet. It’s nothing serious and it’s not cause for concern. I just need to work on it.”

“Okay, well, when you’re ready to talk about it, just remember that I’m here, alright?”

I nodded, smiling. I withdrew my hand from hers and finally stuck my fork into a piece of lamb so soft it nearly slid right back off. “Now, let’s eat so we can get out there and buy our gifts.”

Mom held my gaze for another long moment, then smiled and tucked into her own food. We ate in comfortable silence for a bit, and I found myself wishing that I could open up to her. My mom always knew what the right thing to do was and she always had practical advice about how to go about doing it.

She was wiser than her years and she’d never shied away from talking to me about the hard stuff. From periods and losing my virginity, to religions, politics, and morals, she’d guided me through it all. Helped me gain perspective and then supported me with sticking to whatever decision I had made.