Page 88 of Fake It For Him

She turned to face me, tears still brimming on her eyelids, but the corners of her mouth lifted in the barest hint of a smile. “I just want to go home, Calan. I think it’s for the best. We’ve both said things we can’t take back and the term of the contract has come to an end. Let’s not hurt each other more.”

As she said it, it felt like giant parts of my internal organs were being torn apart by a rampant beast rattling around inside me, but I didn’t mention it. The last thing I wanted was to hurt her more, and right now, I just didn’t know how to dial this back so far that we’d be able to have the conversation we needed to have.

The contract term had come to an end, and if she wanted to leave, I couldn’t keep her here. I wasn’t sure I should try because I wasn’t used to feeling this way. I’d never felt more helpless and it felt like I was standing right at the edge of an abyss.

Like what remained of my life was in such a fragile state that if I took even one step, I’d drop right into said abyss and I’d never be able to pull myself out of it. It was unlike anything I’d ever felt and I didn’t know what to do about it, but I doubted she wanted to stand around and wait until I finally figured it out.

I was also genuinely afraid that, if I tried pushing, if I tried to talk to her, I’d end up pulling her into that abyss with me. Until I managed to find a way to put several miles between it and myself, it was better to let her leave.

“I’ll call you a driver,” I said, reaching into my back pocket for my phone.

Ella shook her head again. “I’ll call Mikey and Kara. You need to get back to your family, Calan. They’re what’s important right now.”

Logically, I knew she wasn’t wrong, but yet, despite having realized that it was better to let her go for now, I couldn’t bring myself to take so much as one step away. Ella Carver had changed my life for the better these last couple of months.

She’d made me feel things I’d never thought I could feel. Made me see things from a whole new perspective. I was at the edge of that abyss now because I knew I was losing her, and even though I was still afraid of pulling her into it with me, I couldn’t bring myself to just let go.

With those two parts of my brain, heart, and soul waging a full-fledged war within me, I watched as she dug her phone out of her purse and made the call.

Fuck, I know I have to let her go. I know I can’t keep her here if this isn’t where she wants to be, but how the hell am I just supposed to let it happen? How am I supposed to watch her leave, knowing that she’s never going to come back once she’s gone?

46

ELLA

Calan had barely said a word since I’d called Kara and Mikey. He sat on the sofa in the living room, most of the lights still off as they had been since we’d walked in.

A fire danced in the hearth and the lamp in the corner of the room was on, but aside from the soft glow of orange highlighting certain parts of his sharp features, his face was shrouded in shadow. He gripped a glass of whiskey in one hand, but he hadn’t taken a sip yet.

Instead, he was staring at the fire, looking more broken than I’d ever seen him before. His handsome features were contorted, his brow furrowed and a haunted look in those eyes I couldn’t blame him for. Everything had gone to shit in the space of an hour, and while I still didn’t know why he’d told Finn the truth, I wasn’t surprised that he had clammed up in the aftermath.

Gutted, heartbroken, and reeling, I didn’t know what to say either. I didn’t know how to act, so while he sat in front of the fire, I sat at the kitchen counter, waiting on tenterhooks for Mikey and Kara to arrive.

Or for Kara, at least. I had no idea if Mikey would be coming with her. It was past eleven on New Year’s Eve, after all. He’d been trying to warn me about Calan for weeks. I didn’t know if he’d have dropped everything to come rescue me now when I’d been so horrible to him before.

When I’d called, I wasn’t even sure Kara would answer, but she had and it was a testament to her incredible friendship that she said she’d be leaving in five. With nothing left to do but wait, I’d left all the Swarovski gifts from the Reids on the dressing table in the bedroom, grabbed my toothbrush, and then I’d come to sit here.

As I glanced at Calan again, I had to fight the urge to go to him. To help. I didn’t even know what he was doing here anymore. He needed to go back to his family and attempt to patch things up all over again, but perhaps he’d had enough confrontation for one night.

Perhaps he didn’t even care anymore.

I honestly didn’t know. As he sat there, it didn’t even look like he was really even in his body anymore. He hadn’t moved for the longest time, but he was still blinking, and his eyes were open, so he hadn’t fallen asleep or anything.

More tears welled in my eyes but I beat them back with a mental stick. I didn’t want to cry anymore. Not right now. My heart was in shards, my anger at myself a living thing breathing fire into my veins. Out there, I’d tried to blame it all on him, but the truth was that it wasn’t only his fault.

Things between us had gotten out of hand. We’d been digging our own grave deeper and deeper for weeks now. I’d known it was a bad idea. Known he was a bad idea, but I’d stuck around.

Every time I had a crisis of conscience, I’d allowed him to talk me out of leaving. I should’ve been stronger than that and I definitely shouldn’t have been so naïve as to let myself fall head over heels for a man who had been a walking red flag since the moment I’d met him.

It’d been so unbelievably stupid, and I should’ve known better. Hell, even if I didn’t know better, I should’ve listened to Mikey’s warnings. Calan and I had both been emotionally and financially invested in this insanity, but Mikey was an independent outsider.

As soon as he started expressing his doubts to me, I should’ve pulled back, but I hadn’t, and now not only was I hurting, but I’d hurt other people in the process. And for what?

Calan and his family were worse off in their relationship now than they’d ever been before, and if Freya never spoke to him again, I wouldn’t be surprised. She’d been the last person he’d had left in their family and now we’d hurt her more than any of the others and we’d done it on the day she’d been hoping to bury all those old hatchets for good.

A sob rose from deep within, but I bit it back. I shot off the stool I’d been sitting on when the intercom went off, signaling someone was at the front gate. Kara!

Calan stood up to buzz them in, then turned to me with a tortured expression. The broken pieces of my heart all tried reaching for him, longing to wipe away the pain he was obviously feeling inside. But I couldn’t do that.