Page 69 of Pick Me This Time

“What do you want me to say?” he snapped right back at me, but at least he’d spun around again. I saw the frustration in his eyes, the anger bubbling right underneath the surface. “You got out of this town, Sterling. You got away from this life. I’m not pulling you back in.”

“Why not?” I straightened to my full height, ready to face off with him. I’d given him as much time as I could bear, but we really needed to start figuring things out. “I’m offering, Dad. Don’t turn me down before you’ve even heard me out. I know you’re still grieving Mom, but I lost her too. Yet here I am, and I’m trying, and I know it’s way overdue, but I can’t just leave shit the way it is right now.”

“You should,” he said stubbornly. “Grieve if you need to grieve, but go do it in Manhattan. Your life is there now.”

“It doesn’t have to be,” I seethed, my own frustration, anger, and exasperation finally bubbling over. “Why don’t you want me here? You never have. You’re so pissed at me for leaving, but you never wanted to stay. Not really. You pretended for Mom’s sake, but⁠—”

“Is that what you think?” he practically yelled, his eyes narrowing to slits as he snorted. “Don’t speak about things you don’t understand, boy.”

“What don’t I understand?” I asked, desperate to finally get answers out of the damn man. “It’s true, isn’t it? You never wanted me here. I just didn’t ask why. I left. I left so that you could have your peace, but even then, you were pissed at me. You’ve always just been pissed at me.”

“None of that is true,” he retorted. “Like I said, don’t talk about things you don’t understand.”

“Then tell me what I’m not understanding,” I demanded. “If I’m so wrong, explain it to me, Dad. For once in your life, just sit down and fucking talk to me.”

A few things happened at once. My dad’s shoulders slumped and I just about saw the fight draining out of him. He picked up his coffee again, but instead of taking off, he suddenly nodded and strode over to the table, moving slowly, as if he was a hundred years old.

When he collapsed into his chair, he sniffed, and as he looked at me again, I saw the impossible—my father had tears in his eyes. “We wanted more for you, Sterling. Your mom and I both wanted more for you than life as a farmer.”

The wind left my sails in a rush. “What?”

“You heard me,” he ground out, clearing his throat and sending another look at the sky outside, just like I’d seen him do the other day. “It’s never been about me not wanting you here, and I was never angry about you leaving. I was prouder than I’d ever been, and I’d give anything to have you here with me, but I don’t want you to be.”

“Why not?”

“I didn’t want this life, but I chose to stay in it for your mother. If given the choice all over again, I’d make the exact same decision, but that’s me. Not you.”

My heart stammered and my eyes widened as I stared at him. “What do you mean you didn’t want it?”

He sighed. “I was never passionate about this place growing up. My father and my grandfather? They were born to farm, but not me. My passion for it only came later, when your mom started making it our home. Our life.”

I stumbled to the table and sank down in the chair across from him. “What happened?”

“Your mom convinced me not to sell it after your grandfather died. I was going to, you know. Sell it. But by then, you’d been born and we’d made a life here. It just didn’t feel like the right thing to do anymore.”

I was stumped. “That’s why you didn’t want me here?”

“That’s never been true. I just didn’t want you to be trapped in a life where you work your ass off for little to no gain when you could have had so much more.”

“I don’t see it that way,” I replied. “I would’ve come home if I’d known you wanted me here, Dad. I would’ve come back in a heartbeat to run the business. I would’ve kept this place running as the beacon of our town, but after Mom died, you shut down.”

“Because I knew you would do all those things you just said you would,” he snapped. “You worked damn hard to get out of here, Sterling. You dedicated your life to finding a way to get out of Allisburg and you did it.”

“Back then, I asked you what your plan was, Dad. All I wanted to know was that you’d be okay if I left.”

“I wasn’t okay and I’m not okay now, but I could hardly tell you that. I didn’t want you to feel too guilty to go back to your own life.”

“I hate my life,” I finally admitted, the words bursting out of me. “It’s empty. I’m alone in New York and I hate it. There’s nothing for me there, except the money and I’ve made plenty of that by now.”

My father fell completely silent, just staring back at me for a long beat. “What are you saying?”

“I’m saying that I left because I knew you expected me to, but I thought I was doing it for all of us. I thought I was leaving so I could make the money you needed for the farm. When I first went, my plan was never to stay away forever. I always thought I’d be back one day. Eventually. When the farm was doing better and⁠—”

Dad shook his head, cutting me off. “I don’t know if that was what you thought, but if it was, you were wrong, Sterling. We never wanted you to have to give up a full life for a simple one on a family farm.”

“That’s what I’m saying though, Dad. My life isn’t full. My bank account is, but I never laid down any roots and I think it’s because deep down inside, I knew I didn’t belong there.”

“No, Sterling. Where you don’t belong is here, in Allisburg.”

“I beg to differ.” I looked him right in the eyes, feeling the strength of the truth as I spoke it. “I miss living in a small town where everyone knows everyone. I want to lay down roots, have a wife, a family, and I want you to be part of that.”

My dad blinked hard, looking conflicted as he cocked his head. “Five minutes ago, you were offering to invest. To hire a manager and farm hands, and now you’re saying you want to come back?”

“When I said that, I thought it was the best I could do, but if I’ve been wrong about you not wanting me here, then I can do better. I can be here.”

“Can you?” he asked, but then he got up suddenly, all gruff again as he shook his head. “Well, get your boots on, then. We have work to do before the festival and it’s not going to get done if we sit here all day.”