Page 67 of Falling for a Grumpy Hero

Barry was still speaking to me, telling me where he’d been stationed and how they’d heard about the crash, but I didn’t really hear what he was saying. Feeling like my head had been thrust underwater, it was like I could make out vague sounds but not enough to hear him clearly.

Oxygen stalled in my lungs and panic slid through my veins like an oily paint I already knew I couldn’t scrub off. The memories became thicker, more visceral. It was like I could feel the weight of my rifle pressing against my thigh. Shouts echoed in the distance, either from children around me now or soldiers in the distance past. I couldn’t tell.

Just as black spots started dancing around in my field of vision, the sound of Lila’s laughter reached my ears, so beautiful, and lyrical, and real. As if suddenly released from a giant hand, I crashed back into the present, snapped out of my spiral—but only barely.

I sucked a breath of air into my lungs and blinked away the black spots, surprised to find that around me, no one even seemed to have noticed that I’d been well on my way to a full-blown panic attack. Barry was still telling literal war stories, a faraway look in his own eyes as he swept a hand out dramatically.

“Never thought I would see such vast landscapes, you know? Nothing but sand and mountains for miles. It was incredible.”

Behind me, the older men had moved on from discussing their swimming pools and were engaged in a heated debate about lawn care. Children were still zooming around on their bicycles or chasing their friends with those water pistols.

Absolutely nothing had changed, yet it felt like everything had. The only person who might’ve noticed something had gone wrong was Lila. She appeared at my side seemingly out of thin air, gently bringing a palm to my forearm and laying it down as those cornflower blues fixed onto mine.

“Despite your best, highly procrastinated efforts, you didn’t win best lawn this year,” she said, but as she stared up at me, worry tightened the corners of her eyes and she stepped into me as if she knew I needed that contact to keep me grounded in the present.

I slid an arm around her hips and brought her soft body closer to my own, finally feeling like I could breathe again as I smiled down at her. “Maybe next year.”

“Oh, I have big plans for the yard before then,” she said cheerfully, leaning into me and finally averting her gaze. “You’ll definitely win then.”

I laughed and pressed a kiss to her forehead. “You can do whatever you want to my yard, baby. I’m just still not really going to care about winning.”

She giggled, wrapping her arms around my waist and resting her head against my chest. I refocused on the burgers but held her with one arm and used the other to ensure that I didn’t betray the trust that had been graciously bestowed upon me when I’d been assigned grilling duty.

But the darkness was still there, creeping and spreading like wisps of smoke just below the surface. Her laughter had broken me out of the spiral and her presence now was doing what it could to keep me anchored, but I honestly wondered how long I was going to be able to keep these tendencies at bay for her sake.

Lila stayed where she was for a few minutes, just holding me and watching as I flipped the burgers, but finally, she let go and introduced herself to Barry and some of the others. The block party went on, but eventually, as the sun was dipping low on the horizon, she and I started heading home.

It took a while because everyone wanted to talk to her as we said our goodbyes, and I imagined what this could be like a year from now. Five years.

I imagined weekends spent listening to the projects she had planned for the house, making multiple trips to the hardware store, and having to chat to every neighbor on the street whenever we took Rook for a walk. The emotions that spread through me as I allowed myself to envision that as my future left me feeling weirdly warm and happy.

But as I waited for Lila to finish talking to a woman who wore exclusively yoga pants, Barry drifted closer again. He wasn’t coming over to me, just making his rounds with his wife as they said their own goodbyes, but the sight of him was enough to send me careening right back to the edge of the abyss.

Closely cropped hair told me memories of the landscapes weren’t the only thing he’d brought home with him. Even the way he moved told a different story. He still stood just a little too straight, his posture just a little too rigid.

Obviously, he was doing a better job than I was fitting into the community and pretending that he’d left everything he’d seen and experienced an ocean away, but I could see now that wasn’t entirely true. Watching him laugh while practically marching his wife from group to group, I felt the bad memories stealing closer again.

No one I’d ever spoken to had managed to leave it all overseas. Some simply made the adjustment more easily than others.

As Lila slid her fingers between mine, I grasped her hand and followed her to my house, but I also thought of Luke and how happy and excited he’d been. I thought about his girlfriend and the ring he’d brought. About the life he’d wanted to make with her when he got home.

What the hell did I do to deserve the kind of life he should have had? Why did I survive and he didn’t?

Lost in thought, I was only vaguely aware of the orange glow of streetlights and the weirdly peaceful look of my house as we approached it. The lights were on inside and the yard was neater than it’d been in a long time, and I felt my heart give a longing twang.

What I wouldn’t give to have had Luke here today. He probably wouldn’t have settled in Florida with his folks and his girl, but he might’ve visited. Might’ve⁠—

“Are you okay?” Lila asked as we walked into my house. Rook had been waiting and she smiled, pushing her hand into his fur, but looked at me over her shoulder. “You’ve been even quieter than usual since this afternoon.”

“I’m fine,” I said, turning to shut and lock the front door behind us. “It was just a long day, is all.”

She straightened up and walked toward me in the foyer, a soft smile on her lips as she looped her arms around my neck. “Are you sure that’s all it is? Was it too much for you?”

“Nah.” I took her hips in my hands and lowered my forehead to hers, breathing in the sweet scent of her as I walked her backward to my room. “I’m just real glad it’s over now.”

The dark clouds remained, the storm raging in the corners of my mind, but with her warmth against me and the night wide open ahead of us, all I needed to keep sane was her. For as long as I could focus on her, I really would be okay. Once she left though, all bets would be off. I just wasn’t about to tell her that.

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