Page 100 of Falling for the Playboy Pilot

The three of us stood there in silence for a moment. This was what I’d been trying to tell Janna without actually saying it. This was why I kept my walls up, why I didn’t do relationships, why I couldn’t let myself care too much about anyone.

Because when you cared, when you let someone matter, losing them destroyed you. And I’d already been destroyed once. I wasn’t sure I could survive it again.

“I should go,” Janna said quietly. “I’m sorry for following you. I thought...”

“I know what you thought,” I said, finally looking at her. “And I get why you thought it.”

“I’ll leave you two alone,” Tanya said. “My flight leaves in a couple of hours.”

I gave her a hug. “It was good to see you.”

“It was nice to meet you, Janna,” Tanya said. “Take care of this one. He’s stubborn as they come, but he’s worth it.”

Janna waved and stood silently. When Tanya was out of sight I turned to face Janna.

“Why’d you follow me?” I asked gently. I already knew the answer, but I wanted to hear her say it.

She dropped her gaze to her feet. “I saw the message this morning.”

“My phone?”

“I swear I wasn’t snooping. It was going off and I wanted to make sure it wasn’t work. I saw it. Got mad. And left.”

I nodded. “And you assumed I had someone else.”

“Yes. Like you said, we’re nothing.”

“Not nothing, but not serious. I can’t do serious and this is exactly why.”

I moved my arms to encompass the entire cemetery.

“I’ve always thought of myself as a dead man flying. If I die, no one else has to mourn me. It keeps me from hesitating in a cockpit. Keeps me from holding back in the face of danger. I don’t have to think about leaving a wife and kids or a girlfriend. I can focus on doing what needs to be done and what happens, happens.”

She frowned. “That’s why you push me away. Because you think caring equals weakness.”

“Caring can lead to letting someone get burned,” I said bluntly. “Not just burned—incinerated.”

Her voice softened. “Or maybe it lets someone live.”

I shook my head, stepping toward her. “If we’re going to keep spending time together, we do it my way. I can’t do serious. I’m sorry if that makes me a dick. I’ve thought about this for a while and I’m just not that guy. I can’t make promises. No deep shit.”

“I don’t think it’s right. But I’m willing to do it your way if that matters.”

“It’s wrong, Janna.”

“Why?”

“I’m a dick. I’m a complete asshole for even asking you to set aside what you feel is right. I know it’s unconventional. I know fucking around is not something most women want. You want something real, and I can’t give it to you.”

“Why don’t you let me worry about what I want?”

I grabbed her waist and pulled her against me. My forehead dropped to hers. I knew what the right thing to do was. I knew it and I couldn’t bring myself to fucking do it.

“You should walk away from this,” I whispered.

“Yeah, probably.”

I smiled. “Why are you so stubborn?”