Page 142 of The Discount Damsel

He straightened with a devilish smile and returned to the counter to finish brewing his tisane. “We both know my hygiene is impeccable.”

When it was done, he scooped Fink onto his shoulder, and the ferret immediately nestled into his hood with a yawn. Whistling, the apprentice gave her a little wave on his way out of the kitchen.

“I hope my hollering gives you nightmares,” she flung after him.

“I’ll be sure to close my door. You know, to muffle the sounds?” He smirked. “Enjoy your lesson, Tula.”

CHAPTER 58

A LOVELY DAY TRIP TO THE CORAL COAST, THE WISDOM OF DOLPHINS, INSPIRATION STRIKES

Dirk was itchy all over after dumping the unconscious Heroes off Calumbria, and no amount of rolling in the abrasive sand of the Ashburnum desert could abate his discomfort. Not that he’d miss Beau, but it’d all felt sneaky, underhanded. Especially since he’d used his command over air and water to render Beau unconscious so the knight wouldn’t struggle during the flight.

The princess was going to pissed when she found out. She would undoubtedly express her displeasure with a good deal of shouting, jabs of her hairpin (though she was getting really good with that cutlass), and no small amount of cussing. All of which would not put her in the mood to bake teacakes, which the little dragon had become most fond of.

As this was all Bradley’s fault, Dirk thought it would be best if he didn’t return to the tower at all and let her and the apprentice figure it out. The little dragon gulped down an indurus spell and swept over the dunes far to the south until he reached the Coral Coast.

It was the most beautiful coastline of the entire continent and the most deadly for all its many reefs that could tear through the bottom of a ship faster than a third son could gamble away his inheritance. There was no freshwater here, either, so no one visited the brightly colored corals and the clear blue water except for the local fish population, the dolphins, and the mermaids of course.

Marvelous conversationalists, those dolphins were, and the mermaids weren’t half bad either. Conversationalists and therapists, for who better to give advice and impart sage wisdom than a creature whose entire environment shifted daily with the tide? Their lives were nothing but change and adaptation, and Dirk was in need of some guidance, or at least a sympathetic ear.

As luck would have it, either by his glimmering scales or the random fortune that flowed through the ether of the world, the mermaids were sunning themselves upon the flats of the tide pools while their dolphin friends whistled amongst the shallows.

“What’s this now?” a mermaid with orange scales and turquoise fins exclaimed. “A Mini Red?”

“Perhaps it’s like the scorpions of the desert—smaller but more lethal than the big ones.” Her pink-scaled companion was already scooching off her perch. “Dive, girls! Dive!”

“Wait!” Dirk put on a burst of speed. “I’m only enchanted to look like a red dragon. Please, I’m a pescatarian.”

“Not better,” shouted the mermaid with the yellow scales. “You’re a fish killer! You’re probably the wretch who ate my beloved porcupine fish, Blowspike.” She hurled herself into the water with a wail.

Dirk looked to the other mermaids. “But . . . don’t your dolphin friends eat fish?”

“Never mind Elaine, she’s on a cleanse and thinks everything is an apocalyptic event,” said the orange-scaled mermaid. “So you’re a Mini Red who isn’t a Mini Red?”

“Yes! Watch this.” Dirk flattened his faux wings against his body and performed a series of aerial acrobatics that had half the mermaids clapping at the end.

“What a strange little thing you are, and that’s saying something when you have flowerhorn cichlid and blobfish swimming about in your backyard. I’m Lizbeth.” The mermaid with the orange scales held out her hand.

“I’m Dirk.” He dutifully swept her hand up to his muzzle and kissed her knuckles.

“These are my friends, Jordyn, Whitney, and Megan.”

The mermaids nodded and smiled, and the one with the opalescent scales and brown skin took an oyster out of her fishnet purse, pried it open, and offered it to him. “Snack?”

“I would be delighted. Thank you.” He slurped the oyster down, coughed up a green pearl, and offered it back to Whitney.

“No, no. You keep that.” Whitney smiled.

Dirk had nothing in his satchel other than his rice paper spells and an Anti-Fainting orange, which he produced and offered. The mermaids exclaimed something about how they usually had to wait for storms to break ships apart so they could get their webbed hands on these tasty little fruits, and Lizbeth carefully divided into four equal portions amongst them.

“Well, now that we are all friends,” the mermaid said, “what brings you to the Coral Coast, Dirk?”

“Iodine and Vitamin D deficiency?” asked Whitney.

“Girl’s day?” said Megan, the tall mermaid with long blond hair as golden as her scales. She tapped her chin. “Hmm, seems you forgot the wine.”

“He’s a boy, Megan,” Lizbeth whispered.