Page 24 of The Discount Damsel

Their eyes met only for an instant, ocean blue and chocolate brown, before the apprentice threw her arm away at the same time she wrenched free of him. Glaring at each other, they resumed their positions against the railing, this time on opposite sides of the balcony. Which wasn’t as far as either of them wanted.

“The flare has been sent,” Sir Eustace crowed. “The Discount Damsel Protocol is now in effect!”

CHAPTER 11

DISCOUNT DAMSELS AND TIN CANS WITH DELUSIONS OF GRANDEUR

With his rucksack still firmly in place upon his back, Sir Eustace lifted his bugle to his lips and played a short fanfare. Then he let it swing from its red satin cord once more.

“The Discount Damsel Protocol,” he recited. “Should an unwed princess or highborn lady (hereinafter referred to as the ‘Damsel’) be taken forcibly against her will (hereinafter referred to as ‘kidnapped’) by a member of the mythical species of creature known as Draco typhonus (hereinafter referred to as ‘Dragon’), the Discount Damsel Protocol (hereinafter referred to as ‘DDP’) must be enacted by a member of the Ministry of Folklore, Damsel Division by joint method of signal flare and proclamation.”

“What, no hereinafter with that one?” Dirk snorted. “And that was the longest one yet.”

“The DDP states that, upon being kidnapped by a Dragon, a Damsel’s bride price must decrease by half on the grounds of the inconvenience and mortal peril to be faced by a knight, noble, prince, king, every second son looking to improve his prospects, or anyone of the rescuing mind (hereinafter referred to as the ‘Hero’), as well as a societal reprimand to the family and/or court, if the Damsel is a ward, for not securing their house, court, kingdom, or country (hereinafter referred to as ‘Land’) against the perils of miscreants.”

Millie gasped, but she was more intrigued than insulted.

“In the event of a kidnapping, the Damsel’s family and home Land will be alerted to the enactment of the DDP by the Ministry of Folklore. Announcements of the kidnapping will be sent to all Lands within five hundred leagues of the Dragon’s tower to initiate the retrieval of the Damsel by any non-magical means necessary (hereinafter referred to as ‘Rescue’) as deemed fit by the Hero.”

Dirk thwacked Bradley’s shoulder. “You see how he said tower there instead of abode, establishment, domicile, et cetera? He knows it’s industry standard so there’s no reason to incorporate any other edifices under an umbrella term. It’s like I told you before—dragons lock their princesses up in towers.”

“Of course,” Millie agreed. “Where else would a dragon stash a princess?”

Bradley just huffed.

“A Rescue is further defined as single combat or similar engagement between Dragon and Hero,” Sir Eustace rattled on. “Should a Hero be accompanied by others, they are not to interfere once a Rescue attempt has been initiated, other than squires or similar staff, which may provide alternative weapons or equipment if called upon.

“The benefits gained by the Hero, or his liege lord if he be proxy, through marriage to the Damsel remain the same despite the discount. If, after a period of ninety days, backdated to the initial date of the kidnapping, the Damsel is not Rescued from the Dragon by a Hero, the Damsel is presumed Unrescuable, labeled a Drain of Resources, and removed from the line of inheritance. The Dragon may do with the Drain of Resources whatever he deems appropriate, including consumption, indentured servitude, release, et cetera.

“The discount then transfers to the next eligible female in the Drain of Resources’ familial line for the next ninety days as recompense for the waste of time, resources, and/or lives lost to the Dragon during the failed Rescue attempts. This transference is only negated if there are no attempted Rescues of the Damsel by a Hero.”

“How often does that happen?” Bradley signed, and Dirk shouted the question down to the little man.

“Never,” Sir Eustace answered crisply. “Now please let me finish.

“To ensure the rules of the DDP are followed, the ministry official who delivered the DDP proclamation is to remain on scene, unmolested by Damsel, Dragon, or Hero, in the role of a third-party observer. The official will keep a record of every Rescue attempt, to the best of his or her ability, including the Hero’s name and origin, occupation, method of Rescue, the Dragon’s method of thwarting said Rescue, and Rescue outcome, along with any details deemed worthy of note. This concludes the DDP proclamation. You, Damsel, may now be Rescued.”

The ministry official played another fanfare on his bugle to conclude his announcement, then promptly whipped out a chronicle as thick as his forearm and a very large and important-looking quill from his rucksack. “Now, Dragon, I must inquire as to the identity of that young man with the unusually long dark hair up there beside you. It is unheard of for a dragon and his princess hostage to share their tower with another, so, pray tell, who is that?”

Dirk and Bradley shared an anxious look. The ministry official obviously didn’t recognize Bradley as a sorcerer apprentice by his brown robe, and that was a good thing. If word got out that this was no ordinary tower in the middle of a desert, but a sorcerer’s tower, why, it could attract the worst sort of individuals. Treasure-hunters, rogue sorcerers, maybe even a witch of the waste or a soulless warlock.

“Well?” Sir Eustace demanded.

“This is Bradley. My, uh, valet.”

The ministry official squinted, as if that had any sharpening effect on his hearing. “I beg your pardon?”

“My valet,” Dirk replied in a more confident tone, fully committed to this ruse now. “If knights can have squires, why can’t I have a valet?”

Sir Eustace, who had overseen many a DDP, had never heard anything so outrageous in his entire life, and he was approaching his six hundredth birthday this August. “Because you’re a dragon!”

Dirk crossed his arms over his chest. “I never saw any fine print on my birth certificate saying I couldn’t have a valet just because I’m a dragon.”

“But—”

“I am a dragon, meat sack! I do what I want!”

Sir Eustace obviously couldn’t argue with that, though he disliked the dragon’s tone. Sniffing his displeasure, he noted that a human named Bradley was Dirk the Dangerous’s valet in his chronicle and shucked his rucksack.