Page 41 of The Discount Damsel

Dirk swirled a corkscrew. “No more pointy shoes with terrible arch support. Jubilations!”

“You couldn’t clean and categorize all this junk on the floor?” Bradley demanded.

“Have you sat on this floor for more than ten seconds? Harder than a virgin’s cock at a brothel. No, thank you.”

The sorcerer apprentice’s cheeks ignited.

“Oh! And I found this room⁠—”

“Then why the hells aren’t you in there instead of here?” he signed angrily.

She pursed her lips, her excitement deflating. “It doesn’t have any furniture⁠—”

“I’ll find you some immediately.”

“—or plumbing,” she finished.

“Eww.” The little dragon shook his head. “You’ll want that. Even if you don’t sleep in a tub.”

“Thank you, Master Dirk.” She brightened. “I also discovered a kind of open well at the bottom of the tower. It’s walled in against the sand and is delightfully cool. It even glows!”

“That’s the spring where we go fishing.” Dirk swooped low to nibble on the princess’s bare toes. “No big fish gave you a nip, did they?”

Giggling, she shooed him away with a fan whose lace had escaped the ravaging mouths of hungry moths. “Did you know there’s a dungeon down there? Surprisingly clean and cool. This tower’s base must penetrate deep into the sand for them to be so insulated from the heat.”

“We could fix you up a room down there,” Bradley suggested eagerly. “Think about it, no more fainting spells, the heat wouldn’t frizz out your hair, ample personal space⁠—”

“Hmm, no. Too far away from the kitchen. And the toilet doesn’t work. Don’t ask me how I know.”

Bradley finally left the threshold, moving into his space. Claiming it. “You are finding a room tonight, Tula. No more excuses.”

“You think I want to sleep in here? You talk in your sleep and fart under the covers! But until a room can be procured that won’t give me gangrene, you’re stuck with me. Maybe if you’d let me help you with your stutter, you could clean a room with your magic—which was how Master Dirk said you had to clean your room initially. So, Mr. Donmarin, in the end, it’s your fault I’m sleeping here. Don’t like it? Do something about it.”

The moment he took a lunging step forward, she snatched up the cinquedea, and a voice shouted from outside, “Come out, Dragon, and meet your doom!”

CHAPTER 19

LITTLE DRAGON SASSITUDE, SILLY STONES—A RESOUNDING VICTORY INDEED

“Who initiates a duel at such an ungodly hour of seven in the morning? And without introducing himself either?” Millie launched off the bed and bustled to the window for a better look, letter opener in hand. “Talk about incredibly rude, and that coming from a pirate aspirant.”

As if Sir Eustace had heard her complaint, he announced, “Sir Delray Berylson of Shardspire.”

“That’s the capital of Leighton,” she spat. “Of course anyone from Leighton wouldn’t have the decency to wait until at least ten o’clock so we would all be up, watered, and fed.”

“Who cares?” Dirk was a blue cyclone in the center of the bedroom. “I finally have my first Hero to defeat!”

“No.” Bradley seized the dragon’s tail tuft and yanked him out of orbit. When he had Dirk’s attention, he signed, “They take one look at you, and they’ll know what you are.”

“And whose fault is that? Someone didn’t figure out a way around the rice paper spells!”

“What’s this now?” Millie leaned out over the sill to get a better look. “There’s someone with the Hero.”

Bradley and Dirk hustled over to join her, the former grabbing the tail (yet again) of the latter and tossing him back into the center of the room where he couldn’t be seen from the window. Forgetting he was at war with the princess, Bradley shouldered into the tight windowsill beside her and leaned down to get a look for himself.

And the aspiring pirate, who momentarily forgot she was at war with the apprentice, guided his sight with an obliging finger. “There.”

Far below, two men were checking in at the desk Sir Eustace had erected a small distance away from his tent. The ministry official had also changed back into his three-piece suit and sat with a straight spine upon his stool.