Page 139 of Neap & Spring

“I can’t do this.”

“You can. You’re doing it right now. One more time. In.”

She breathes in, shaky and shallow, but it’s a breath.

“Good. Hold it. Now out.”

She breathes out. Then in again. Each breath a little steadier than the last.

“That’s it. You’re doing great. Keep breathing.”

We stay like that, crouched in the alley beside my restaurant while eighty-five people wait for their food inside. I talk her through each breath, keeping my voice low, my hand a constant pressure on her back.

Slowly, gradually, the panic starts to recede.

Her breathing evens out and the shaking lessens. The tears slow.

When she finally looks at me again, her eyes are clearer.

“I’m sorry,” she whispers.

“Don’t apologize.”

“I ruined everything.”

“You didn’t ruin anything.”

“Your service —”

“Is still happening. Amara’s got it.” I reach up to wipe a tear from her cheek with my thumb. “Are you okay?”

She laughs, but it comes out broken. “No. Not even a little bit.”

“What happened in there?”

She closes her eyes, fresh tears squeezing out. “I don’t know. I thought I could do it. I thought I was fine. But then it got loud and everyone was shouting and I just — I was back there. In that kitchen. And I couldn’t —”

She stops, pressing both hands over her face.

I want to ask so badly in this moment. This is the moment for her to be honest with me. I want to know what happened. Who hurt her. Why she stopped cooking. But she’s still trembling, barely holding herself together.

“Okay,” I say softly. “Okay. You don’t have to explain right now.”

She drops her hands, looking at me with red-rimmed eyes. Her mascara is smudged. “You need to get back in there.”

“I know.”

“I’m so sorry, Cal.”

“Stop apologizing.” I stand, offering her my hand. She takes it, and I pull her up gently. “Do you want me to get Iris? She can come sit with you.”

“No, I —” She wipes at her face, smudging her makeup even more. “I’ll be fine. I just need a minute.”

“Take all the time you need.” I squeeze her hand. “And Vivienne? This doesn’t change anything, okay? You didn’t ruin anything. You hear me?”

She nods, but I can see she doesn’t believe me.

I want to stay with her. I want to hold her until the shaking stops completely and the fear leaves her eyes and she tells me everything.