Page 45 of Every Eligible Man

Garrick tries. The boot does not fit because Garrick's feet are somehow even smaller than Brant's, a genetic tragedy I'm only now appreciating.

"Glove."

Garrick tries. The glove does not fit because his fingers are shaped like undercooked breakfast sausages.

"Ferret."

"Could we... skip the ferret?"

"No."

Gerald is placed in Garrick's arms with all the ceremony of handing someone a live grenade.

The ferret stares at Garrick.

Garrick stares at the ferret.

Gerald opens his mouth, leans forward slowly, and lets out a single, high-pitched screech directly into Garrick's face, the kind of sound that suggests the ferret has looked into his soul and found it wanting.

Then he urinates on Garrick's doublet.

I have to bite my tongue to keep from laughing out loud.

"That's not a bite," Garrick says weakly, looking down at the spreading wet stain. "That's not a rejection, that's just…"

"That's a rejection," Cinder says. "Gerald has very particular ways of expressing disapproval. You've been eliminated. Also, you now smell like ferret piss. You're welcome."

She turns to the Baron, who looks like he wants the earth to swallow him whole. "Now. Your farmhands."

"We don't have farmhands."

"You have a working farm. You have pigs, chickens, fields that need plowing. Someone is doing that labor, and it's clearly not your useless sons. Bring. Me. Your. Workers."

Ash closes his eyes beside me. "This is it."

"We could run," Wreck suggests from above. "There's a back door. We could be three fields away before…"

"She has Gerald," I point out. "And Susan would never forgive us."

Susan chitters emphatically.

"Also," Ash adds heavily, "I don't think I want to run."

I look at him. "You don't?"

"I've been thinking about her for days. Every night. Every morning. Every time I close my eyes." His jaw tightens. "If she wants to find us, maybe she should find us."

"You're just horny," I say.

"Yes. And also serious."

"Those aren't mutually exclusive."

"Exactly."

Outside, Baron Grimwald is making one last desperate attempt at deception. "The workers have fled! They heard you were coming and they ran away! Cowards, all of them! I have no men here except my sons."

Gerald launches himself off Cinder's shoulder.