Page 21 of Ardently Yours

“I thought being away would help. And in a way, it did. I have my dream job in Chicago. I own property. I’ve dated other people and I know what I want now.”

“Oh,” I laugh humorlessly. “You know what you want now, Billie? I knew what I wanted back then. I wanted you. I said yes to marrying you because I wanted you. I was willing to work through anything with you and build a life together. But you ran away. And, now what? You expected me to put my life on pause for years until you returned home like the prodigal son?”

“I thought we could try again. I’m in a better place now and I can afford to take care of us. You wouldn’t even have to work anymore. We can get married, start a family, get out of Selah, if you want.”

“You really are delusional, I see,” I say, exhaling. Disgusted, I look away from him. Somehow, I don’t know how I ever loved him.

I say, “But since I’m the sane one, I’ll be the one to tell you that you messed up back then and you’re messing up now. You obviously never knew me. I don’t want to be taken care of. I run my own business. I love living here in Selah, and I’d never run away with you. You and I will never be anything; you lost all that. I want you to take your flowers, and the rest of your dignity, and leave.”

I don’t wait for him to respond. I just turn around and head back towards the front door, which I yank open and slam behind me, leaving him on the porch. I hope he will leave and truly never return.

Once I’m back inside, I head to the dining room and sit down, ignoring the curious glances from everyone. I fill up my plate since they are already eating and I do the only rational thing I think to do at a time like this. I eat too.

On the inside, I am curled up in a ball, crying my eyes out. But on the outside, I smile, tell jokes, and pretend to be okay.

Everyone else does the same. My family is good at that. Pretending. Which explains why I’m so good at it too.

I pull out my phone under the table and begin texting the crew group chat.

Me: I hate it here.

Nic: Need us to save you?

Jane: Yeah, if you need us to come to you, we will.

Me: You don’t even know what I need saving from yet.

Nic: Is your mom giving you a hard time?

Jane: Did Billie really come over for dinner? When you texted us about that earlier, I thought you were joking.

Me: Yes and yes. No joke. He was here.

Jane: I can’t believe your mom actually invited him over and didn’t tell you.

Nic: I can’t believe that Billie showed up out of nowhere this morning.

Me: I can. Again, I hate it here. But George is here so I have to put on a front.

Jane: George Wickham???

Nic: Why is George there?

Me: I asked him to come. Obviously. LOL.

Nic: (side-eye emoji)

Jane: (thumbs up Nic’s side-eye emoji)

Me: STOP SIDE-EYEING ME THROUGH EMOJIS!

Nic: Are you sure about this? You know he’s a flirt.

Jane: He literally flirts with everyone

Me: Why does everyone keep saying that?

Nic: Who is everyone?