Page 62 of Ardently Yours

She licks her lips, and it draws my attention. I’m reminiscing about how my lips were touching hers only minutes ago.

She follows my gaze, making me blush. I look away, but not for long. My eyes are back on her because I want her to know how I feel. Which is difficult because I’m still trying to figure it out.

All I know is that what I feel for her isn’t fake. It never was. But how do I say that to her without sounding like I’m moving too fast or that I want too much?

How do I tell her that I never wanted to be just friends with her? I wanted to know her. I wanted to work with her, to be around her. Being her friend was a perk, but I never wanted it to be just that. I just never allowed myself to want more.

It could be the late hour or the drama of being back in a place that I thought I wouldn’t return to for a while, or maybe ever. A place the old me couldn’t wait to leave.

Now I’m back. Most importantly, I’m back with somebody from my new life who actually means something to me.

“What are we going to do?” she asks. “We have rules. We have guidelines for what we’re supposed to be doing and how we’re supposed to fake it. If the kiss was real... if this is real... then what are we going to do?”

I want to tell her that we should just call it all off. Like she mentioned before the kiss, maybe we need a new contract. We don’t have to tell anybody this was fake because maybe it never really was.

Maybe I was just looking for an excuse to call her mine. I don’t know if that makes it right, but I do know that now that I’ve gotten to kiss her and hold her close, I don’t ever want to stop.

“What do you want to do?” I ask her, and I hate myself for doing it.

I wish I could be bold and tell her exactly how I feel because I’m the one who told her that the kiss was real for me. But I also don’t want to push anything on her. I want to hear her out and see where her mind is, especially now that she’s met my family and can see a bit of the mess I’m in.

She says, “I want to know more about you. I feel like I know you, but...”

“You do.”

I tell her this because I don’t want her to second guess what she’s feeling for me just because of the things I’m dealing with right now. I don’t want her to feel like I’m this whole new person and forget about our months of friendship, working together, and getting to know one another.

“I may not have been as open about my family and my past here, but it’s not because I didn’t trust you. It’s just because I wanted to get away from all of this. I was running, but then I found Selah Falls, and I found you. I found a new home, and I got so comfortable being who I was there with you and with your friends. It was a fresh start for me, but I know now that it wasn’t fair for me to pretend like this other side of me didn’t exist.”

“I’m listening,” she says, encouraging me to go on.

“So you do know me. You probably know me better than most people do. But I guess this part of me isn’t something I can just bury. It’s the part of myself I’m ashamed of. I know I’m privileged, but I also know that privilege could be taken away. That’s why I wanted this scheme to work. I’ve been prideful. Too full of myself, my past, and my dreams. That’s why I wanted our fake dating relationship to work.”

“You’re telling me that pride is your downfall?” she asks.

“I don’t want it to be. I just wanted to have something real. Something that I could show my parents and prove to them that I’m stable in a new home without them. That I found a new family, and they can’t take that away. I thought maybe somehow I’d be able to convince them, with you and with the cafe, that I’m better off without them. Now I’m back here, and Dad is in the hospital, and my mom...”

I trail off because my mind drifts back to the hospital when I went to the cafeteria with my mom. It turned out to be closed, so we couldn’t get anything to eat except a few snacks from a vending machine. She cornered me and asked me why I would bring Lizzie home with me.

I tried to defend myself. I told Mom that Lizzie was my new girlfriend and about the life we were building together in Selah Falls with our new friends and the cafe.

Mom had tears in her eyes. She told me that she was happy for me and that she sincerely wanted me to be happy, but that my father needed me here. Her voice broke. Tears fell from her eyes.

I hugged her tight. I didn’t know what to say. I couldn’t make any promises. Because the fake relationship wasn’t bringing me the peace that I thought it would.

It brought Lizzie closer, but it wasn’t solving my problems. I was beginning to realize that it wouldn’t solve my problems and that I was being a fool, putting up a front for my family just to prove to myself that I was better off away from home.

All of this...only to end up back here because my father was in the hospital and might not recover. Mom told me that part too. There’s a part of me that wonders if she told me that to guilt me into staying and moving back home.

But there’s another part of me that knows she wouldn’t lie about something like this. My father is a difficult man, but she’s always loved him. He’s always been a great provider for our family, and she was the nurturer.

She was also the enabler. The one who allowed him to be harsh because he provided for us. The one who supported his harshness and his will.

And, of course, even as he lies in the hospital fighting for his life, she’s left behind to fight for his legacy. I know that, as the firstborn and his only son, that legacy was always supposed to be passed down to me.

I turn toward the hallway, looking at the staircase that leads up to where my sister had gone up to her suite. I know she’s been working so hard. She actually enjoys working in the family business, and she’s one of the top realtors at the company.

I also know Dad never looked at her as the one who was next in line to take over. He’s been waiting for her to get married. I know he and Mom are pressuring her to consider the options they have picked out for her.