Page 83 of Absolution

“I’ve been better.” I grimace. “A long, long time ago. I think.”

He sits beside me, nodding to Drew. “I’m sure you’re wondering why you’ve been sabotaged again.”

“As long as it’s good news, you fuckers can leave with your wives.” I grin, snidely.

“Good to see you’re still an asshole, I thought you’d lose that once you regained your old self.”

“Oh, no.” I fake laugh. “Still an asshole.”

“I wanted to be the first to tell you, Riggins will be in the brig by this weekend for treason.” Jackson’s face remains the same throughout, and I’m in a puddle on the floor in my mind.

My head bounces from him to Drew and back. “Are you kidding?”

“No. You’ll also need to give a deposition. Once in custody, he’ll be court-martialed. Then you’ll need to testify once they have Riggins in custody.” Jackson grins when a smile breaks across my face.

“I never thought I’d see this day.”

“My only regret is that we’ll not be the ones to bring him in, but we did find him.” His words ring in my ears. My heart ceases, and I’m dragged back to the day I lost my brothers.

“I’ll never be able to repay you.” I stand, hauling him into a hug.

I catch something moving in the corner of the room and watch as Drew steps out the side door. Jackson sits down, waiting on me to join him again. He studies me for a minute before hitting the topic head-on.

“The last time we spoke, we all recognized what you were going through. Not many men have lost the amount I have, and being their commander didn’t make it easier.”

I hang my head in shame. “I was angry. At everyone and everything. I have no doubt all of you have lost brethren, and for the first time in a long time, I feel as though I am not alone.”

“You’re not, Hatch.” He pauses. “The second hardest thing I’ve ever done is to bury one of my team members, knowing I was responsible for them.”

“I can’t imagine, but I also know what losing my team has done to me. Fear has turned to self-loathing for being the only survivor, and I ran from it for so long. I don’t think I’ll ever live without guilt.”

“You won’t. It’s a struggle every day, and one that we must face or will never be able to live with ourselves.”

“I keep trying.”

“Survivor’s guilt is as real as losing your life on a mission, never forget that and don’t let it rob you of living.” Jackson lays his hand on my shoulder, reassuring me. Many times I’ve thought of them as my adopted brothers since losing mine. Today, I have found a new family.

I cock my brow, grinning at him. “So, you said it was the second hardest thing you’ve done. What was your first?”

“I walked away from Catherine. It was the worst mistake of my life, and almost didn’t live to regret it.”

“What do you mean?” I trot my leg, hoping to divert his attention from the fact I’m picking my nail.

“The day I pushed her away, I swore it was for her own good but then I got hurt and it took her to bring me to my senses.” Jackson crosses his arms, studying my every move. Once a SEAL, always one.

“And to your knees? Because I’ll be damned if I’m not eating dirt over here.”

“Are we talking about your parents, which would equally be painful.” The corner of his eyes wrinkle, there’s something brewing.

I drag a long breath in, filling my soul with the pain of regret. “Fuck that hurt. I guess I’m batting a thousand with you today.”

“You couldn’t have known what road your life was going to take, Creed. I have no doubt they’re simply happy to have you back in any capacity.”

“I’ve let them stay in a living nightmare for years, a hell created by me because I couldn’t face my own demons but damn if I don’t call them on theirs.”

His lips purse. “Are we talking about your parents or someone else?”

“Scarlet came by, shared some real truths with me, and I’m not sure how to handle them. Honestly, I don’t even know if I deserve her.”